Random Updatery

The Notre Dame Blues
Notre Dame got beat by Navy.  Believe it or not, that’s worse than it sounds.  It basically means the sky is falling on Notre Dame fandom, but not just any sky — a big concrete sky.  We Notre Dame fans are pissed, and sad, and frustrated, and disappointed, and — to bring my analogy to a conclusion — squished.  You know, by the falling concrete sky.  We’re despondent.  Not even good porn can help.

Thank God the Colts won.

Crisis
I didn’t realize my wife was having a mid-life crisis until she appeared today in an all pink sweatsuit with red lightning bolts on it.  I smiled and asked her if that was what she was planning on wearing to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Contest Winner
I forgot to announce the winner of the Truth and Fiction contest from October 29th.  The winner is Katie and/or Brian Fulton.  He or she guessed correctly — after about seven tries — that all of those 50-word stories were true.  I know it’s hard to believe that my mom would say such things, but she did.  She’s a mom, after all.  A mom will do what it takes to get to the truth when it involves her children.  Saying “ass face donkey fucker” is nothing to a determined mom.

Administrative Note
What’s this?  Me sneaking in an administrative announcement?  Yep.  I’m sure that some of you saw my post way back in June that announced the new posting schedule.  I’ve decided that I’m going to make some changes to that schedule.  The Thursday posts will not strictly be Truth or Fiction anymore.  There will still be some of that, but there will also be more free form posts like this.  I may also skip a Thursday post in favor of a Friday Fun post from time to time as well.  If you’re worried about keeping up, follow me on Twitter or watch Facebook.  I always announce new posts in both places.  Or you could add my blog to your RSS feed.  Don’t know what that is?  If you don’t, your life is harder than it needs to be.

Robot Pirate Monkey Bacon Zombies
Everyone loves robots, pirates and monkeys.  At the very least, popular culture never seems to get sick of those three things and everyone seems to think that anything that is robot, pirate or monkey based is better than that thing sans robot, pirate or monkey.  We need to officially add bacon and zombies to that list.  I would also add vampires, but they have gone mainstream.  So let’s agree that zombies and bacon are now in the overused hipster jokes canon.  Thanks.

Speaking of… 
Professional football players are probably the closest thing we have to actual robots.  Especially when they’re wearing one of those new helmet designs with the crazy facemasks.

444
This is the 444th post on this blog.  Fours are wild, bitches!  I'm playing the lottery and no one can stop me.  Except for that guy with the gun.

Friday Fun

Sometimes I find cool shit on the web.  Unfortunately, I’m not very good at sharing that shit when I find it.  Well, sometimes I am but only if you follow me on Google Reader.  Anyway, I thought I’d share some fun shit that I’ve stumbled across on the web.  Here you go:

Ice Cream
Do you like ice cream?  Do you like making your own ice cream?  Do you like making your own ice cream out of one ingredient?  Do you like making your own ice cream out of one ingredient that is bananas?  You do?  That’s great because you can:

Banana Ice Cream

It works.  I’ve made it twice and it’s delicious.


Play a Game
If you are a human around my age, you probably remember playing Excitebike on your Nintendo.  If so, you’ll love this game.  If not, you’ll still love this game.  It’s the only way I’ve made it through all those dancing shows Dee watches.

Cyclomaniacs


It’s Time to Get Real
Not everything is fun and games.  I’ve never seen the American Merchant Mariners’ Memorial.  It’s one of the most amazing and powerful memorials I’ve ever seen.  Check it out.

Scouting New York — American Merchant Mariners’ Memorial


Art that Moves You

Here's the Thing...

…of all the things that disappoint me about Americans, reality TV is at the top of that list.

…none of the ideas in Windows 7 came from regular people.  All of the ideas came from the Mac operating system that has been doing all of those things for years.

…everyone is sick.  That’s it.  Everyone is sick.  It’s getting weird.

…my shoes have been wet for three weeks straight.  It’s time for the rain to stop.

…screw the guilt.  Sometimes a Five Guys burger is exactly what you need.

On Halloween

It’s no secret that Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  It never has been.  I’ve never liked thinking up a costume and spending the ridiculous amounts of time it takes to put the costume together.  For what?  A few hours before the costume falls apart and maybe, if you’re lucky, some chuckles and nods.  No thanks.  It’s always a let down.  Plus, I’ve never really had a sweet tooth.

Most people assume I don't like Halloween for more the more popular reason of “it’s just an excuse for people to dress slutty.”  I don’t actually hate Halloween for that reason because it’s not really true anymore.  If you take a look around Wrigleyville on any given weekend night, you see plenty of people dressed slutty.  Plus, when do straight people ever get together and get sexy all at once?  Halloween.  It’s the gay pride parade for straight people.  In a society that’s wound way too tight, a little sexyness is needed.

My Halloween
I spent most of Halloween night watching the Notre Dame game.  Thank God for late starts, huh?  Eventually, the game ended and I ran out of excuses for avoiding Halloween parties.  I dressed as “warm and comfortable” and met my wife at a bar.  I was one of the few people not wearing a costume, but I didn’t feel out of place.  I was comfortable with my decision about not wearing a costume.  However, I made a few observations about the crowd while I was out:

If you’re costume requires a sign explaining your costume, you have a crappy costume.

If you’re costume is a sexy dress that you just added fake wings to, you have a crappy costume.

The most important feature of a truly brilliant costume is an easy way to use the bathroom.

If your costume involves a modifier — as in “Zombie Tom Brady” — you’re trying too hard.

If you wear a rainbow wig and street clothes, you’re a genius.
 

Truth & Fiction: Four 50-word Stories

There are four stories below.  They may be truth or they may be fiction.  The first person to guess each story correctly gets an invite to Google Wave or the satisfaction of being the winner.  Leave your guesses in the comments. 

The Fall
I saw her swaying and wondered what song she was hearing.  She wasn’t swaying but falling.  I dropped my glass and ran.  Suddenly, her head was in my palm.  I called her name.  She looked at me and asked, “Is that the ceiling?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Where are my tacos?”

Bad Names
I came in from the bus stop crying.  My mom met me at the door and asked what was wrong.  I told her that the older kids on the bus were calling me names.
“Like what,” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I cried.
“Son, was it ass face donkey fucker?”

The Cab
“No, he’s too drunk.  He’ll puke in my cab.”  My friend assured him that I wouldn’t.  We got in.  Everything had stopped spinning.  I burped.
“Is he going to puke?”
“No.”
Without drawing the cabbie’s attention, I rolled down the window and quietly puked down the side of his door.

The Manager
We sat in the conference room waiting for our long-winded boss to arrive.  It was his meeting; we couldn’t start without him.  We would wait ten minutes before we returned to our desks.
“Isn’t it just like Tom to hold up our meeting?”
“Wait until he actually gets here.”

What To Do While Your Wife Opens Her Birthday Gift

1) Pretend you didn’t pick it up on the way home and wrap it on the train.
2) Scream, “SURPRISE!”
3) Get into the kitchen and start doing dishes.
4) Walk the dog.
5) Pretend she hasn’t already seen the charge on the bank account.
6) Tell her you’re going to the bathroom but actually sneak in there to sign the card you forgot to put with the gift.
7) Act really excited and hope that it rubs off on her.
8) Tell her that whatever gift she’s opening is from you, too.
9) Get a confused look on your face and say, “Hmmm, that’s not what I ordered at all.”
10) Hope that the bow hasn’t cut off circulation long enough to do any permanent damage.

Dee's Birthday

Today is my wife’s birthday.  She looks pretty good for sixty, huh?

Don’t forget to post on her Facebook page today because it’s the only way that everyone can know that you’ve done your duty as her friend.

Dee and I took the day off work so that we could do all sorts of marginally fun stuff in the city.  We’ll probably go stand in the glass boxes at Willis Tower (formerly known as Sears Tower).  After I change my underpants, I’ll take her to dinner somewhere downtown.  If you have any suggestions, shoot me an email, tweet me or send me a text.  I’m thinking Quizno’s, but that will go right out the window if I can find one of those Dairy Queens that serve food.  I’ll probably even spring for a cab to get us down there and back unless she really, really wants to ride the train.  She loves choo-choo trains.

At some point — I’ll know the right time — I’ll present her with her birthday gift.  I got her a two year warranty on our dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner.  I also made a birthday card out of a piece of computer paper folded into quarters.  On the outside I wrote “Happy Birthday, Wife” in big, block letters.  Inside, I wrote “I love you” and drew a picture of a rose because she loves roses.

It will be an early night since we have to work tomorrow.  We’ll make out a little bit before Monday Night Football begins.  Sounds like a pretty sweet birthday, huh?  I know, I’m a pretty great husband.

Happy Birthday, Dee.  I love you.