Random Thoughts #245

I once thought a woman on my Metra train had a little Moleskine notebook in which she was drawing little sketches. Then I realized that I'm on a train to the suburbs and no one interesting rides these trains. I looked closer. It was a day planner.

I sit in the upper deck of the Metra train which means that I get to look down see people playing games on their phones. It's surprisingly hard to figure out the name of the game they are playing so that I can download it and play it, too. Added difficulty points: I ride in the quiet car so I can't just shout down at them like Zeus and demand to know what game they play. There should be an app for that. Not the shouting down from above like Zeus -- though that would be a good app, too. The figuring out what game someone is playing by snapping a long-distance shot of their screen from your own phone is the app I'm talking about. Also, I don't think I need an app for the Zeus-shouting. I'm pretty good at projecting when I want. Sometimes Scarlett and I play a fun game that Dee hates called LOUD NOISES. Basically I shout-sing, "LOUD NOOOOOOIIIIISESSSS," and then Scarlett shout-sings, "LOUD NOOOOOOIIIIISESSSS!" Repeat until Dee gives me the I-want-to-murder-you look or until she starts laughing. I consider it a win if Dee starts laughing. Scarlett can't quite grasp that concept yet. She just likes to yell.

When I walk into the dry cleaner's it's like when Norm walked into Cheers. Only they call me "Mister Ford" and do it with an accent (I was going to tell you that it's done with an Asian accent of some type -- I'm not good at differentiating -- but you would have just assumed that I was making a racist joke even though I'm just stating simple facts. Is it still racist to relate an actual event that is also stereotypical? Maybe. I guess I'm a racist then). They know exactly how much starch I want in my shirts and sometimes they'll even remember my phone number (it's what they use to look up my account). However, no matter how many times I go in there and request a pickup two days later they always suggest some time next week. If I go in on Wednesday, I'll want to pick up my clothes on Friday but they'll say, "Is Tuesday okay?" No, Tuesday is not okay. Friday. Then they change it and everything is fine. If they remember all my other shit -- I mean my phone number! Who remembers phone numbers anymore? -- then why can't they remember that I want a quick turnaround on my clothes? Get it together, stereotypical dry cleaning store owners.

Has anyone ever noticed how hipsters really like bicycles and glasses? I really think I might be on to something here. [Note to self: Could this potentially be an entire post of its own?]

Hall and Odie. Simon and Garfield.

You guys, check your watches. You might be late for something. (If you're actually late for something I just blew your mind.)

I know where Chicago keeps at least a small portion of its sandbags. Pretty sure you've got to have top level clearance to know this information. Or just look around you a little bit when you're sitting on the train tracks at Union Station.

There's a very good chance that I'm wearing some kind of checked shirt at the very moment you're reading this (gingham, window pane, etc. You choose, it's your imagination after all. Don't be afraid to use the BlueFly accessory wall wisely.)

My wife suggested that I should do reviews of "So You Think You Can Dance." I said, "You think everyone wants to read about how much I like great butts?"

Still, you've got to love that my wife is always encouraging me to do things I love. Like write about and look at great butts.

Is "great butts" more or less creepy than "sweet asses"?

Neither is as creepy as "tight tushies."

What I Want for Father's Day

I want to hug my daughter. I want to dance with my daughter. I want to laugh with my daughter. I want to be frustrated by my daughter. I want to change her diaper. I want to enter a battle of wills with her over whether she'll eat her lunch or not. I want to fight her the entire time I'm trying to put her down for a nap and I want to stay patient but firm because she doesn't know it but she needs that nap. It's best for her. That's my job. To make sure that she gets what's best for her whether she likes it or not. I want to be a dad on Father's Day. No, I want to be a damn good dad on Father's Day.

Why?

Because dads get short shrift. Nobody expects anything of us when it comes to our kids. Sure, things have changed from my father's generation. We're expected to change diapers and wake for nighttime feedings but no one expects us to be good at those things. Everyone assumes we'll just mess it up. Many times our own wives don't trust us enough to leave us with the kids without help from a grandparent or two. Yes, there are plenty of men who are the stereotypical bumbling idiot around their children but they're just living up to expectations. Set the bar low and some people will only strive for the bar. There are also plenty of men who are very good fathers. They want to do all of the things that mothers are just somehow supposed to know how to do well (and are assumed to do well) and they do them as well as the mother. Sometimes better (gasp!). There are more of these men out there than popular opinion would have you believe.

I'm not trying to be the lone beacon of hope for good dads. I'm just asking you to take some time this Father's Day to think about common perceptions of dads in our society and see if they square up with your reality. If not, think twice about making that joke about how your dad or husband bumbles with the children. Or stop making jokes about the incompetance of dads in general. Or maybe just trust that your child's dad will be okay with the kid if you go out with the girls for a night. Maybe then we can string together enough small changes in the way we think about dads that we raise the bar just a little bit more.

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Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

****

The Bachelorette Episode 3 (Desiree) -- A Review

You might have noticed that there was no review last week. Two reasons: I was in New York and it was game seven of the Heat-Pacers series. Those things are way more interesting than this show -- especially since I'm doing this for free.

Chris Harrison makes his appearance to tell the guys there will be two group dates and one one-on-one. He says he doesn't need to but he explains anyway that one-on-one time with Desiree is critical. Why do we even have a Chris Harrison?

By the way, shouldn't Desiree's name have an accent over one of the e's? Was her family too poor to afford one?

First Date -- Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K., Ben

The date card reads, "Love is a battlefield." This will turn out well.

Apparently the guys hate Ben. He must have done something like go on a date with her or get a rose or something. It feels way too early to have such a clear-cut villain. Did they fire their old writing staff? This season feels very poorly written.

The guys will be playing dodgeball. Yes, let's let these meatheads whip balls at each other and pretend it's not a metaphor.

During their "training session" with "professional" dodgeball players, Chris Harrison shows up to tell them they'll be playing against each other. Surprise. We've never seen this before on the show.

Red team: Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris, Brandon

Blue team: Ben, Drew, Zach, Brad, Brian

The game takes place at some mall in L.A. The Grove? They're dressed in short shorts and tanks. The winning team gets extra time with Des. Best of three.

The Blue Team wins the first game; the Red Team wins game two. Who could have predicted? At the beginning of game three, Brooks breaks his finger and is sent to the hospital. What's this? A spontaneous moment? 

The Blue Team wins the final game. Des decides that both teams get to go to the after party. YOU ALL GET A TROPHY. GOOD JOB, GOOD EFFORT.

At the hospital they reset Brooks' finger and he passes out. They've even got him hooked up to tubes and shit. Did his finger suddenly get kidney failure?

At the after party Brad reveals he has a three year old son who lives with him full time. Then he tells some convoluted story about his drunk ex-wife and domestic abuse charges. It kinds seems right up Desiree's alley.

So many of these guys have gay voice.

Chris takes Desiree to the roof of the building. They talk about how they were both there today.

Brooks shows up with his broken finger, still in his dodgeball gear. He plays the sympathy card into a kiss. It doesn't mean much, Desiree is definitely not being stingy with the kisses this season.

Chris gets the rose. You know, because he existed in the same area as Desiree earlier that day. He and Desiree get some extra alone time while some singer no one knows serenades them. They slow dance and kiss. He looks like he's a terrible kisser.

The Girlfriend, The Crazy, Crazy Girlfriend

Look, Bachelorette Writers, if you don't want people to think this is all fake, you need to not have all the guys sitting around the announcement table when Chris Harrison shows up for a surprise visit.

Chris brings another woman into the house and she introduces herself to Desiree as "Brian's girlfriend." Cue the indignant outrage from the rest of the guys. How dare he date someone else while he chases a girl who is dating 20 guys at once? The nerve!

This girl, Stephanie, claims that she is still with Brian and that she tried to break up with him the day before he came to the show. Then she starts crying and freaking out. Wait, why is she so upset if she tried to break up with him? Shouldn't she be welcoming this development? Again, Bachelorette Writers. Check your logic. Also, hire better actors to play these parts. 

Brian says, "She threw rocks at my face." Stephanie says, "Yes, I threw rocks at you because you're a jerk." Yes, let's blindly trust the word of a woman who admits to throwing rocks at someone's face because that's completely reasonable. Chris asks Des if there is any way he's staying. She says no. For some reason he doesn't immediately go pack his shit and sits there to take more abuse.

Brandon takes this whole thing really hard because his dad left and "father figures" in his life left him and, I don't know. It's just so fucking obvious this season that these are all hired actors.

Second Date -- Kasey

This guy has top-notch douchey hair. I mean, he's really setting the bar.

Desiree takes Kasey to Sunset Boulevard. She reveals to him that they will be dancing suspended in the air on the side of the building. They don't actually do any real dancing. They just flip around a little bit and then bail. Lame.

In the evening, they have dinner on the roof of the building they danced on. They sit down to talk and suddenly the winds whip up and everything starts blowing around. So they get into the pool. The pool is freezing. Cue the tuba music. They kiss in the water, awkwardly. They sit on the stairs to end the night. She gives him the rose even though everything has been awful.

Final Date -- Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden, Zak W.

The date card reads, "Who will be the LONE man standing?" Do I smell a movie promotion tie-in?

A stagecoach waits in the driveway to take the guys to the date. They arrive at an Old West town to see Desiree dressed in her best Old West gear. She tells them they'll be going through a "cowboy boot camp."

They are taught to lasso, draw pistols and fake movie fight.

They have to ride a horse. Fake fight, quick draw and rescue Desiree. For something that should be cool, they make it surprisingly lame. Juan Pablo speaks Spanish the whole time and steals the show. He gets the extra time with Desiree.

They get a private screening of The Lone Ranger. They kiss. Or maybe they were just sucking the popcorn husks out of each other's teeth. 

In the evening, the whole gang has a campfire by the barn.

Then everyone kisses Desiree.

James gets the rose after basically asking Desiree to send him home to be with his sick dad. Hang on for one more week, dad.

The Cocktail Party That Wasn't

Chris Harrison shows up again. The cocktail party has been cancelled. Instead there will be a "relaxed, chilled pool party." Chris, you don't get to determine the tone of the party. Not with these meatheads.

When Desiree pulls up Ben meets her outside and asks her to go for a drive. When they return, the other guys see them kiss. They guys are pissed and attribute his cleverness to "character flaws." Ben doesn't admit that he talked to her when they ask him. THIS MAN IS PURE EVIL.

Brandon gets all weepy on her and tells her about all the men that bailed on him. He tells her, "I'm never going to hurt you. I'm never going to take you for granted. To be honest, I am falling in love with you." Then he kisses her. When does he go get a creepy tattoo on his wrist?

The Rose Ceremony

Desiree is wearing the worst dress ever. It's like a regular dress puked blue plastic chunks out of the top.

Chris, Kasey and James all have roses. Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G., Mikey, Ben all get roses.

Dan and Brandon go home.

Dan says, "I'm really bummed. She's been duped by Ben." Also, this is the first time I've heard you speak.

Brandon says, "I'm blown away. I'm fucking blown away." Des tells him she wanted end it now instead of later because she didn't feel the chemistry. Brandon says, "Once again, someone left me. Yeah, way to go, Brandon." WHO IS THIS GUY?

Look, this season is terrible. It's just really awful and it's blatantly obvious how scripted this is. I'm not sure I can keep doing this. In the past they were at least somewhat decent at hiding the ruse of the show. They're failing miserably this season.

****

The Bachelorette Premiere (Desiree) - A Review

No Bachelor Pad this year? What the hell? Instead we have to put up with a bunch of douchey dudes without the proper balance of crazy girls. Pretty sure that counts as psychological abuse.

Wait, Desiree's last name is Hartsock? From the ancient peoples who put the hearts of their slain enemies in a sock and hung them above their doors? Wow. I didn't know we were dealing with a descendant of such proud warriors.

They open with a bold display of Desiree's dumb. She says, "Picture, like, the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten and then live in it. That's where I am." When I "times" that statement by dumb my calculator explodes.

If you think it's funny or cute when Desiree puts her hand up and says, "I'm ready to put a ring on it," prepare yourself for a long life alone with your cats.

Finally, we get to meet the guys.

Drew -- Gets a feature package. Alcoholic dad, mentally handicapped sister, divorced parents. Perfect for AshLee.

Brooks -- Forgets to tell her his name. Kinda looks like Chris Kluwe.

Brad -- Brings a wishbone so they can make a wish. It's some kind of callback to her intro last season. We're all less than impressed.

Bryden -- Iraq War vet. If he doesn't get a rose today, America will turn on Desiree forever.

Michael G. -- Wades into the fountain to get her penny back from last season. Admits he can't find it instead of pretending the ones he brought were hers.

Kasey -- A Social Media Ad Exec. Instead of being interesting, he reels off a bunch of hastags: #theperfectbachelorette #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin. What's up with guys named Kasey? Can we agree we're going to call him "Hashtag?"

Will -- Gets the most awkward feature package ever. Gives her the nickname "Athena." Tells her she has to come up with one for him. How about, "The One Black Guy."

Mikey T. -- Comes out swinging by playing the family card right up front. Sincerity is boring.

Jonathan -- Creepy voice. Gives her a card. It reads, "Should you choose to forgo the remaining men you may elect to proceed with Jonathan directly to the Fantasy Suite. A room key is enclosed." She says, "I'm not that kind of girl. No way." This would have been clever if he wasn't actually serious.

Zak W. -- Stands naked on his balcony in the clip package. Shows up shirtless. Early leader for douchiest hair award. That Guy.

James -- Says something boring about loyalty. I don't know, I was checking the Spurs-Grizzlies score.

Larry -- Teaches her a dance move. Her heel catches on her dress when he tries to dip her. TRAGEDY. 

Nick R. -- A magician. Burns a piece of paper and it turns into a rose. Only lame dads do magic.

Zack K. -- Awkward.

Diogo -- Wears a full suit of armor. Takes off his helmet and says, "You look beautiful like a princess." With his accent, he's basically a cartoon character. Even the shirtless guy is all, "Whoa."

Chris -- Gets down on a knee. She says, "Oh no." He says, "Will you mind if I tie my shoe?" As he walks away she says, "Funny."

Mike R. -- Dentist. Wears his lab coat. You know, because dentists like to try too hard to prove they're real doctors.

Robert -- Claims to have invented that thing where a guy stands on a corner and spins a sign around. Professional liar.

Juan Pablo -- Former pro soccer player. From Venezulea. Brings her chocolate. Moistens her panties.

Brandon -- Rides up on motorcycle. She asks if he can give her a ride. I bet she'd go to the Fantasy Suite with this guy.

Brian -- While taking notes, I typed, "wears beans." Way funnier than "wears jeans."

Micah -- Designed his own clown suit. 

Nick M. -- Says, "I wanted to do something a little different," then reads her a poem like a thousand other guys have done before him.

Dan -- Absolutely nothing remarkable to report.

Ben -- Brings his son Brodie. Has locked down a rose for sure.

The Cocktail Party

Chris Harrison offers her 19 roses to hand out as she chooses at the cocktail party.

Immediately, Nick R. steps up and says that he's going to make Desiree disappear. He takes her out of the room. Clever move,  magician. Too bad no one likes magicians. Cue the cavalcade of dudes cutting in on other dudes' time.

Ben gets the first rose. When the guys ask him how he did it, he says, "I just told her who I was." Shirtless guy says, "You must be someone good." Yes, someone who can dress himself.

Zak (the shirtless guy) drops his pants and jumps in the pool. While he's in the pool, Hashtag steals Desiree away. Because she can't resist his abs, she gives Zak a rose anyway.

Bryden tells her he's still in the military. Talks about an Iraqi kid he met in Iraq. She gives him a rose so America won't hate her on Memorial Day.

Juan Pablo takes Desiree outside and starts showing off his soccer skills. All the guys come outside and a soccer game breaks out. I THOUGHT WE WERE IN AMERICA.

Prediction: Drew will be the first gay Bachelor.

Larry apologizes for screwing up the dance. Then he keeps talking about it. Then he gets all intense and creepy. I can't tell if he's wasted or just Jeffrey Dahmer-level creepy.

Jonathan continues with the Fantasy Suite bit. He tries to take her up to a room he's prepared. She refuses. Then he immediately tells her that he's nothing like her last boyfriend, Sean. She cuts him off and tells him that his time is up. Then he says to the camera, "My love tank hasn't been depleted for many years so we're looking at a very large love tank." I think this guy needs to go to the Fantasy Suite and empty his own love tank. When he tries to take her again to the "Fantasy Suite," she asks him to leave. Ladies, he's still single.

The Rose Ceremony

The following guys receive roses:

Brandon

Zack K.

Will

Brooks

Juan Pablo

Brad

Kasey #gotarose #callinghimhashtag

James

Robert

Brian

Dan

Chris

Mikey

A bunch of other dudes already had roses but I didn't keep track. What I do know is that Larry, the magician and the armor guy all went home. I'm pretty sure armor guy didn't know what was going on at any point of the evening.

Also, I want to start a band called Larry, The Magician and The Armor Guy. We'll open for Florence and the Machine.

****

Cheating Death

*I wrote this on Friday after I left the Dental Surgeon's office*

Guess what, guys? I fucking cheated death today. I fucking murdered death. I had surgery and I came out the other side. Do you know how alive I feel right now? There's nothing quite like cheating death on a beautiful spring day to really put a skip in your step. I'm alive and I want to fucking LIVE. WOW. Feelin' pretty damn good.

Sure, maybe it was just oral surgery. Yes, it was very minor oral surgery. So minor that they didn't have to put in any stitches, but still. There were risks. They did use anesthetic. Any time they use anesthetic there is always a chance of some pretty scary shit going down. They made me acutely aware of those risks with forms and stern-faced warnings. Okay, it was just a local anesthetic. There could have been complications. Who knows how my body might react? My body chemistry has probably changed significantly since the last time I was administered a local anesthetic to the inside of my mouth. Plus, eating with a numbed tongue (assuming I made it through the surgery itself) can be pretty fucking dangerous. I could have bitten the shit out of my tongue and not even known it. We all know how tempting it is to chew on your tongue when it's anesthetized. It feels so big and chewy. 

The doctor still hacked away at the inside of my mouth with sharp blades. He removed tissue. He fucking chopped it right the fuck out of my mouth. There was blood. I didn't see any blood, but I know how it works. You cut away someone's delicate mouth tissues and they bleed like a Scotsman (I'm assuming that Scotsmen are known to bleed profusely. Please correct me if this made up idea is in any way misleading or disparaging to the people of Scotland). I did hear the doctor ask for gauze. You don't ask for gauze unless you're looking to sop up pools of blood. Everyone knows that gauze is, by far, the best tool for sopping up blood. My point is that I could have bled out. THROUGH MY MOUTH. Imagine that particular hell. Would I have died from blood loss or from drowning in the very substance that has been sustaining me these 37 years? IRONIC, says Alanis Morissette. That didn't happen, of course. He stopped the bleeding pretty easily with a relatively small piece of gauze and the wound left in my mouth is the size of a small peanut, but let's not quibble over the minutia. I SURVIVED WITH MINOR INJURIES. I STARED DEATH IN THE FACE AND TOLD HIM (OR MAYBE HER) TO FUCK OFF.

I live to see another day and it feels fucking good. Also, it's true what they say, everything does taste better.

****

The Bachelor Finalé - A Review

They spend the first five minutes of the show touting that this is a “three-hour special event” like it’s a good thing.

You don’t really care about all the in-between shit. You just want to know what happened, right? Well, I stood in front of the fridge and ate cheese for three hours.

Chris Harrison is with a live studio audience and calls this the “Nationwide Bachelor Viewing Party.” Is Nationwide a sponsor now or… No. He’s just saying the dumbest things possible.

Sean is joined in Thailand by his family. His mom (Sherry), dad (Jay), sister (Shay — which I just realized is a combination of Sherry and Jay. I now fully hate Sean’s parents.) and her two kids. The little boy says, “Emily didn’t choose you.” I like this kid.

Sean’s mom is worried. Probably because she’s one of those awful people from Texas.

Catherine

Suddenly there’s another dude at the dinner table. Did Catherine bring a date? Major faux pas.

Catherine reveals that she played football with the boys in sixth grade. She also played doctor, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Sherry asks Catherine, “How long did it take you to think ‘I could fall for this guy?” Catherine basically says, “When he passed me a note in Social Studies class.”

Jay asks Catherine, “How do you know for sure that you really are in love before you get married?” The correct answer is, “How do we know this is all real? Are we in the matrix?” Instead she gives some lame answer about “best friends” and “giving herself.”

Lindsay

I always forget Lindsay’s name until someone on the show says it. I’m pretty sure she does too. Seriously, she’s too dumb to win, right?

Again, Jay asks the same question, “How do you know that you’re truly in love for life before you get married?” Jay, how do you know that I can’t fly? Lindsay says, “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” I hope someone in the ABC Labs is recalibrating the Dumb Response Machine 2000. That machine couldn’t have come up with a dumber response to that question.

Jay reveals that he and Sherry “began praying for his wife” when he was born. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t turn out to be gay.

Sherry asks, “Have you gotten him to be serious with you?” Lindsay says, “Yes, we talked about stuff.” Or something like that.

Sean talks with his Family

Mom cries all over the place because she doesn’t think he should propose to either girl. What’s the big deal? Hasn’t she heard of divorce? Sheesh.

Last Date with Lindsay

DON’T CARE.

Chris Harrison tells us that only live TV can capture this kind of emotion. Then he throws it to the tape.

Last Date with Catherine

ALSO DON’T CARE.

Chris talks to the crowd and they say dumb things.

The Ring

Sean picks out a ring.

The Rose Ceremony

They’re setting us up to think there’s no way it isn’t what’s-her-name. Lindsay? Lindsay.

Some of the girls from the show are there: Leslie, Sarah, AshLee and Jackie. Chris asks them who Sean will pick. They might as well go ahead and plug Bachelor Pad while they’re at it.

Lindsay arrives first. He tells her how great she is. Then he says, “Lindsay, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart’s something something somewhere else.” He keeps talking and she just keeps nodding her head like, “Yeah, yeah. Just let me go.” But he just KEEPS TALKING. 

She says, “Okay, gosh. Well, I’m gonna go. ‘Cause this is just really, really painful and this is just my nightmare. I really didn’t see this coming. So, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you found love but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you and that’s something I’m going to have to figure out.” PERFECT.

In the car she says, “I just want to grow old with someone and have a family. I don’t want to be alone.” YOU’RE 24. CHILL OUT.

Chris gives Sean a letter from Catherine. Wait, how is Chris in the studio and also in Thailand? Is he magic? Sean opens the letter. Commercial. SO MUCH DRAMA.

The letter is about how she’s looking forward to their future together. In other words, boring.

He proposes. Catherine says yes. Then she says, “Oh my gosh. Is this for real?” Golly gee, it sure is. Unless we’re in the matrix.

After The Rose

Is stupid.

THE END. FINALLY.
****

No Ticket, No Boots, No Problem

Last Wednesday I lost my Metra monthly train ticket. The few days after that I was holding out hope that my ticket might be recovered and wouldn't have to pay another $178 for another one. In the meantime, I still needed to ride the train. This is the story of the morning after I lost my ticket.

Look guys, I'm taking some big chances today. First, I'm going to play the ticket stub game with my delightful morning train conductor because I lost my ticket on the train yesterday. Second, I'm not wearing my boots. So yeah, things might get a little messy today. This is the kind of excitement that can only happen after you've moved to the 'burbs and completely given up on life. I mean, if I still lived in the city and was single these things wouldn't even register on my fucking radar. I mean, I'd have all sorts of other interesting shit to deal with and write about and make me happy. However, that's not me. I made some fucking major decisions. I moved to the 'burbs. I had a kid. Not in that order. That order is sadder than the order I actually did it in. I think. Yeah, definitely. Moving to the 'burbs before having a kid is definitely sadder because it means you gave up before you even had a kid. When I was single, City Jeff I was making decisions about what kind of sketch show I was going to do next and how I was going to get an agent and if signing up for Match.com was worth it. Now that I live in the 'burbs I get to make the exciting decisions that really affect my life. Like deciding what kind of salt to put in the water softener. Or figuring out when to replace the filter on the furnace. Or when to buy a fucking snowblower because it's now a matter of when not if. Some decisions get made for you. But today I decided to take some fucking chances. No boots. That's huge. The bottoms of my pants could get messy and I'd have to take them to the dry cleaners. The ticket thing. Wow. This is really something. I mean, I'm going to try to talk my way into her letting me ride by basically showing her the receipt for the ticket that I've already paid for. I mean, I don't even know if this is a conversation she'll have. Plus, I'm on the quiet car. I'm definitely going to disturb the peace by having a conversation with the fucking conductor in the goddamn quiet car. I know. I'm living life on the edge here. Imagine the annoyed stares I could get from the people around me. I mean, the dude in front of me is TRYING TO READ and the girl behind me is LISTENING TO MUSIC. This could be a disaster. Uh oh. The plot thickens. The voice over the PA isn't the typical conductor. Plus, she usually makes an appearance by now. I may be dealing with a complete stranger who hasn't seen me on the train every day. Boy this will really be a high-wire act. I haven't even told you the stakes. If the conductor (whoever it might be) doesn't take my ticket, I'll have to pay $6.25 for a one-way ticket. Yikes. Thankfully, I've got exact change. You know how things can be when you ask a conductor to make change for a ten or even a twenty. TENSE. They look at you like, "Get your shit together, buddy. What are you? Some kind of rookie at this riding the train thing? Pshhhhht." INTIMIDATING. I can't tell you how badly I want the conductor to come through the car. The suspense is killing me. I just want this impending public humiliation to be over with so I can finally go back to being another working zombie on the train waiting for his life to end.

Okay, we're at the last stop before Union Station. After this, things should get heated. That's when the conductor usually makes her (if it is her today) rounds. Buckle up. It's about to get real rocky. Oh man, we're pulling out of the station. She's probably in the first car taking tickets right now. It's just a matter of minutes now. Maybe less if those people have their shit together. You know, not like me. Uh Oh. The stakes have been raised. The guy in front of me is no longer TRYING TO READ, he's now TRYING TO NAP. Whoa. I'm totally going to disturb his cone of tranquility with my unnecessary drama. Trust me, dude. No one feels worse than I do about what's going to happen to your attempt to nap.

BAM! I called it. Different conductor. Of course, I forgot that his need to check tickets would disturb this guy's nap session, so I'm off the hook for that. When I explained the situation, he looked at me all stern-like and said, "I'll give you a day to find it." Oh, you will? YOU will? It's your call, guy who I've never seen on my goddamn train before? If it was the regular lady, I might have accepted that answer. However, you come in here strutting around like you own the goddamn place. Listen, I've ridden this train more than you have, buddy. Don't come stomping around here like you own the fucking joint on your first day. You've got to earn it a little bit. Damn, I told you there was going to be some major drama. Shit, that was TENSE. Deep breath. Deep breath. Happy thoughts.

Who said living in the 'burbs couldn't be exciting?
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