Many of you have made the New Year's resolution to get in shape. Congratulations. Now, read carefully because I'm going to give you a few helpful hints on how to make your way around the gym.
1) Your New Year's resolution is not "get in shape", it is "annoy fit people for four weeks".
2) The gym is not for chatting, it is for running, stretching and lifting heavy things.
3) If you can't figure out how to use a machine by looking at it, a) you probably shouldn't be using it and b) don't ask me.
4) That girl really, really doesn't want you to talk to her.
5) When choosing a locker, be sure there is at least one empty locker between your's and all other used lockers. There is nothing worse than trying to squeeze between two fat, hairy men who are a) trying to figure out how to work the electronic lock and b) trying to not have a heart attack.
6) If you can't figure out how to use the electronic lock on your locker, don't ask me.
7) Do not stand in front of your locker and over-apply your aerosol deodorant. Use a changing booth or a shower. There is nothing worse than unknowingly walking through a cloud of deodorant and tasting a big mouthful.
8) Speaking of clouds of stench. Wash your clothes.
9) You are fat and sweaty. Feel free to use the towels provided for you to clean up the machine you just used. The towels are free.
10) If you can't figure out how to use the towels, kill yourself.
If you follow these simple rules, we should get along fine during the four weeks you fool yourself into thinking that you'll be getting back into shape.