Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The State of the Union

The following is a transcript of Jeff Ford’s State of the Union Address given on February 1, 2006.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and anyone else who happens to be in my living room at the moment: In the past year my person has undergone great change in this new and ever-evolving world. Jeff Ford has risen to meet these changes, and the state of the union is – much to my parents’ chagrin – nonexistent. (Hesitant applause.)

Just under a month ago, I began my 30th year on this planet. I remain legally single, employed and healthy. (Applause.) Over the past twelve months, many new reforms and initiatives have been implemented to improve my quality of life and allow me to use my time more efficiently. So while I may still be single, employed and healthy – as in 2004 – this year I became less single, more employed and more healthy. (Applause.)

In 2004, we saw a rise in efficiency due to the acquisition of a laptop. The use of this laptop continued throughout 2005 to outstanding results. This laptop allowed me to automate my bill paying process, thereby reducing the time and effort required to reduce the Personal Debt. I also used the laptop as a conduit to my creative outlet, my blog. Due to its mobility and wireless connectivity, I was able to quickly and effectively answer email queries and problem solve on the run. The end result of the increased use of the laptop was a productivity increase of approximately 10%. (Applause.)

The Person of Jeff relocated to a new shelter early in 2005. This relocation became a necessity based on the crime rate in 2004. In 2004 apartment break-ins were up 200%. I determined that the location of my residence and the residential security within played a major factor in that increase. I decided to relocate to a more secure location in the same general neighborhood. This led to a 200% decrease in break-ins for 2005 – back to the previous 2003 levels of zero break-ins. (Applause.)

Another major win for the Person of Jeff in 2005 was the 100% decrease in automobile emissions. (Applause.) This was due to the donation of my vehicle to the AIDS Research Foundation. I was able to find alternative transportation in the form of busses and trains to get to and from my primary place of employment. This change not only reduced my contribution to the harmful emissions emitted by automobiles, but it reduced transportation expenses. By decommissioning my vehicle and relying upon CTA and Metra, I reduced transportation costs by 65%. (Applause.)

Preventative health care greatly increased in the past year. I continued my consistent workout regimen that began in 2004 and supplemented it with program direction from the Person of Dee – who aside from being my beautiful girlfriend is also a professional fitness expert. Energy levels increased dramatically along with my level of fitness. Body fat percentage dropped from 10% to 6%. (Applause.) Strength and stamina improved along with confidence and positive body image. My medical staff gave me a clean bill of health following my yearly examination. (Applause.) In short, Jeff Ford is faster, stronger and healthier than in 2004. (Applause.)

Entertainment also saw increased enjoyment and savings. In the early third quarter of 2005, my cable was replaced with DirecTV resulting in a 24% savings in my television expenses. (Applause.) The acquisition of DirecTV also coincided with the acquisition of TiVo. The combination of these two acquisitions allowed me to watch TV more efficiently; thereby increasing my enjoyment of the entertainment I consumed and decreasing the amount of time needed to watch such programming. (Applause.)

We also saw an increase in volunteer time in 2005. This bulk of this time was devoted to Birch Family Camp – a camp for kids and families affected by HIV/AIDS. I went to New York to spend a week as an activities counselor at Birch Camp. I coordinated games and sports for the kids to play during the day. I made memories that will last me a lifetime. It was a week that refreshed my mind, body and spirit and I returned home a better man. (Extended Applause.)

However, 2005 provided its challenges. As many regions of the Person of Jeff flourished in 2005, others did not. My position as Marketing Director of pH Productions NFP was one of those regions that did not flourish. After holding the Marketing Director title for three years, I decided that it was in the best interest of Jeff and pH Productions NFP that I step down. I will still maintain my involvement with pH Productions as a founder, performer and member of the Board of Directors.

Despite my poor performance as Marketing Director, I was still able to perform well for my primary employer. I completed five large projects in 2005 on time and without defects. (Applause.) For this effort, I received a mid-year raise (Applause.) and was awarded with a promotion and further raise at year-end. (Applause.)

The biggest development in 2005 was the acquisition of a girlfriend. (Applause.) Midway through the first quarter of 2005, I met the Person of Dee. Due to careful financial planning in 2004, I was able to secure several meals and movies for the two of us as we exchanged Personal information. Soon we were able to share matters of Personal Security and aid each other in the ongoing War on Loneliness. The Person of Dee and I have continued to wage that war – and we are winning! (Applause.) This alliance has yielded incredible improvements to my emotional and psychological health. The Person of Dee is extraordinarily beautiful, delightfully witty and amazingly understanding. Adding this ally in the War on Loneliness has helped the Person of Jeff reach unprecedented levels of Happiness, Love (yes, Love) and Making Out. (Extended Applause.)

2005 held great achievements for the Person of Jeff as he completed his 30th year. Those achievements have merely set the stage for further achievements to come in 2006. I increased my health, wealth and happiness and expect those to continue to increase through 2006. The plans for 2006 are lofty in scope and many in number, but the Jeff that was built through the hard work of 2005 is poised and ready to accomplish each and every one of those goals. And so I move forward with hope, happiness and faith in the Person of Jeff.

God bless you all, and God bless Jeff Ford.

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