Thursday, June 22, 2006


You're walking down the street and you pass a homeless man on the street.  He holds out his cup and asks for some change so he can get something to eat.  Typically, you would respond with a cursory, "Not today, man" and keep on walking.  Today, you are in a good mood so you pause to consider your options.  A thought occurs to you.  What would Jesus do?  Would Jesus give him that extra change jingling in His pocket?  Would Jesus give him the shirt off His back?  Would Jesus keep walking?  Nope.  Jesus would turn that old shoe lying on the sidewalk into a sandwich.  That's what Jesus would do.  Satisfied, you keep walking.

Follow Up

You may remember my feud with Aaron's.  I'll give you some time to read about it...

Welcome back.

Sure, my deserving girlfriend was snubbed by that deceitful corporation and kept from going to Vegas to perform.  Fortunately, my girlfriend got the last laugh.  As it turns out, the extremely mediocre Chicago Rush decided to put it all together at the right time and made an impressive little run through the playoffs.  In fact, their victory over San Jose put them over .500 for the first time since February 26th when they were 3-2.  That victory also put them into the ArenaBowl. 

This victory then gave my girlfriend a new chance to go to Vegas.  The Rush were kind enough to pay for hotel rooms for the Adrenaline Rush Dancers.  Most of them managed some cheap air fare and made their way out to Vegas to cheer on the Rush.  In fact, they did such a great job cheering that the Rush managed to win the ArenaBowl.  She got to go down onto the field and celebrate with the championship trophy.  Aside from that, she got to hang out with her friends in Vegas for a few days.  She had a great weekend.

If she had been selected for Aaron's Fraudulent Dance Team, she would not have been able to hang out with her friends as she would have been scheduled for events and other such B.S. during the weekend.  She would have had to dance with other girls who are not as talented as she is.  We all know how frustrating dealing with incompetent people can be.  In short, her weekend would not have been as great.

In the end, my girlfriend won the little battle against Aaron's.  However, that does not mean that Aaron's is exonerated of its past crimes.  They are still Lying Lyers from Lyerville.  Don't buy their substandard products.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Three Childhood Stories

It's a slow day for me, so I figured I'd take this opportunity to catch up on some blogging. What follows are three stories from my childhood. In chronological order.

Swimming Lessons
When I was a second or third grader, my dad decided that I needed to learn how to swim. He took me to the high school where swimming lessons were being given to kids about my age.

At this time, I was deathly afraid of the water. I did NOT in any way want to go to swimming lessons. My dad insisted and he was the boss of me. He would pile me into the car and I would throw a fit the entire time. I would cry and scream and kick. I got so upset that I would actually make myself puke. I didn't stick my finger down my throat, I just got so freaked out that he would have to stop the car at least twice on the way to the lessons.

Once I got to the lessons, I would spend all my time in the shallow end making sure that I did not do too well in any of the swimming exercises. If I was picked out as a strong swimmer, then I would be sent to the deep end and thrown in to drown.

Eventually, the teachers got wise to my scheme and forced me to go down to the deep end. I forced up some vomit. They forced me into the water. I sank.

Later, when I was in high school, we did a section on swimming for gym class. I found that I could swim just fine. In fact, I was one of the better swimmers. I don't remember learning how to swim, but I did.

I once got sent to the Principal's office for cheating by my 8th grade English teacher. She was a little crazy. On days when we had quizzes, she made us come into the room and put all of our books below the desk so that nothing was on our desk except for our pencils. Then she would make us sit in silence for 10 minutes. She believed this 10 minute period of silence would decrease the success of a cram session just before class. She thought that if we could still answer correctly after 10 minutes of silence then she had succeeded at teaching us something.

During the 10 minute silence, she would sit at her desk and read. She didn't look up at the class so long as it was quiet. The students then proceeded to write the info they remembered on their desks, study it for 9 minutes and wipe it off the desk just before she handed out the quiz. Unfortunately, I was placed in the front row one day when she finished her book before the 10 minute period was up. She looked up and saw me studying the writing on my desk. She immediately assumed that I was going to leave it on my desk for the quiz and use it to cheat (strangely enough, I had written the material on my desk from memory so it technically wouldn't be cheating at all). I was not going to do that. I was going to erase it like everyone did because we weren't stupid enough to think that she wouldn't notice a bunch of shit written on our desks. She sent me to the Principal's office.

The Principal was surprised to see me because I never got in trouble. I explained the situation and he believed me. However, he was still going to let my teacher give me an F on the quiz (it was only worth ten points and I still got an A in the class, in case you were worried) because failure is an important lesson to learn. He then went on to explain that he never hires a teacher that hasn't failed or gotten a D in a class at some point because he thinks that they will be able to better identify with the struggling students. I bit my lip to keep from mentioning that that may be the reason why the teachers at my junior high sucked.

Oh Captain, My Captain
My freshman year in high school, everyone had to take Social Studies. This class was taught by a Captain Kangaroo look-alike. He thought he was hilarious and he would tell really bad jokes about how mountains don't get cold because they wear their snow caps. You know, really lame rim-shot stuff. He would always assign us to color and label maps of various different parts of the world. It was usually the easiest 50 points in the history of school. All you had to do was find a map and basically copy it - even the colors.

In the class, my friend Ted would get bored so we would constantly crack jokes. The rest of the class thought we were much funnier than the teacher and he hated that. He hated me especially because I was a smartass and I would also always ace all of his tests. That way he couldn't even make snide comments to me when he handed back our tests. He always did this to Ted (a C student) and even though Ted played it off, I think it always made him feel bad and stupid. Therefore, I hated Captain Kangroo.

ANYWAY, the Captain assigned us to color a map and we all did so. When he handed them back, he had taken five points off of mine because I had slightly (very, very slightly) colored over one of the borders of the countries. I went to his desk in front of the class and asked him why he took off so many points. He responded by saying, "You started a war. You annexed part of that country."
I said, "How did I start a war if no one knows about it outside this classroom?"
He quickly replied, "Well, stupidity should be advertised." Then looked at me smugly as if to say, "Take that."
Before I knew what I was saying I snapped, "If stupidity was advertised, you'd be famous."
His jaw dropped and the whole class gasped. Then silence. I stood there for a second waiting for him to send me to the Principal's office, but he never did. I walked back to my desk and class continued as if it never happened.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Do I Exist?

It's a natural human tendency to wonder about our existence. In fact, there have been many movies about it. Are we all living someone else's dream? Are we all living our own dream? Are we all living a computer generated dream? No one knows. Philosophers have debated the question of our existence from the beginning of time.

Despite all of the debates I am reasonably convinced that I do exist. Until today.

It was a routine trip to the bathroom in my office. I went in to do my business and moved to the sink to wash my hands. Much like airport bathrooms, the sinks in my office bathroom are operated by motion sensors. You simply place your hands below the faucet and the water turns on. I chose a sink and placed my hands beneath the faucet. The water did not come on. The man at the sink next to me placed his hands under the faucet and the water came on. The man at the next sink did the same. The water came on. I waited, but no water. I said, "Huh, that's weird." Nobody turned to look. I waited. Still no water. No matter how I tried, the water would not come on. That led me to the only logical conclusion: I do not exist.

The motion sensor could not detect me, therefore I do not exist.

Also, I have dirty hands.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The 4400 by Marvel

I'm sitting here watching the season premiere of The 4400 on the USA network. I watched most of last season and enjoyed it quite a bit. The show seemed to have an interesting and unique premise.

4400 people were abducted from different points in time and taken to the future. One day, they all appeared near a lake in Washington, unaged. This is how the first season opened. We learned that they each began to display special powers. For example, one creepy little girl could see the future. Another woman could control the level of adrenaline in other people. There is even a guy who can read minds. The government then put the 4400 in quarantine and began secretly injecting them with an "inhibitor" to curb their powers. This was exposed at the end of last season.

I was hooked. I thought it was clever and intriguing.

Now, I'm beginning to wonder. I didn't notice before, but this show seems to be a direct rip-off of the X-Men premise. There are these people (the 4400) with special powers who are misunderstood and feared by much of the public. Within the 4400 there is a small group that has gone rogue and have begun killing the leaders of the non-4400 in the government who they believe are trying to destroy them. Sound familiar? All they need is a leader who can control magnetic fields.

The government is using the 4400 who can read minds to locate the other 4400. The difference is that he's a black guy and has hair. Oh, he can walk, too. They've got a guy who can heal people more quickly than they heal themselves. He does not have foot long blades embedded in his hands.

I'm just waiting for the episode in which the government builds huge robots with which to hunt the 4400.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has noticed this. Let's hope that Marvel doesn't notice or this show will be cancelled in no time.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Over the past few months some new graffiti has been showing up in my nieghborhood. I've noticed it because it's not your standard graffiti. I've taken a few pictures:

Since I've taken these pictures, they've all been painted over. However, more have appeared since then. Whoever has been putting up this graffiti has been very persistent. So persistent that you might think that there was a tagging war. The sweetest tagging war of all time. However, I've not seen a response to the rainclouds yet so I don't think the tagging war is likely. It seems much more possible that it's the work of some rogue artist.

Anyone have any insight on what this might be?