Thursday, July 17, 2008

How To Be a Douchebag at the Gym

I've spent many years in the gym and I've discovered that there are some sure-fire ways to be considered "that douchebag" while working out.  Follow the guidelines below and you too can be a douchebag.

  • Wear so much Icy-Hot that the entire gym reeks of the stuff.
  • Loudly grunt while lifting weights.
  • Do everything as fast as you possibly can - especially on the back extension machine.
  • Wear the same clothes every day and make sure you don't wash them.
  • Crank the incline on the treadmill as high as it will go and then hold on to the display the entire time.
  • Hoard the free weights.
  • Walk around barefoot.
  • Use at least half a can of the gym supplied deodorant.  Make sure it's in a spot where everyone has to walk through the cloud.
  • Talk to the girl who's trucking it on the treadmill at about 8.0mph - especially if she has headphones on.
  • Don't re-rack your weights.
  • Steal towels.
  • Don't wipe down the machine when you are done.
  • Pee in the shower.
  • Blow dry your chest hair.
  • Leave your towels for the cleaning crew to pick up.
  • Wear shorts that are too short or shirts that are too tight.
  • Set the treadmill to 2.0mph and talk to your best friend on the treadmill next to you the whole time.
  • Always choose the locker directly next to the only one that's locked.
  • Farmer blow.
There.  I've done my good deed for the day.  Now we can all be douchebags.


  1. Ha! Indeed. I'm glad to see we find so many of the same things frustrating in our respective workout lives.

  2. I could not agree more! My favorite is the old guy that is always next to me at the sink that somehow manages to always forget to put his clothes on!