Listen, assholes. If you are sick, don't come to work! Stay home. I know you're really important and you have lots of things to do but: 1) You're making everyone else sick so nobody gets anything done anyway. 2) The shit you need to do isn't life or death. 3) We have the technology for you to work from home - use it!
Are you wondering if you're sick enough that you need to stay home? Here are some guidlines/questions to ask yourself:
1) If you're wondering if you're too sick to go to work, you're too sick to go to work.
2) If people don't recognize your voice over the phone, you're too sick to go to work.
3) If you can't stop coughing, you're too sick to go to work.
4) If you get so lightheaded that you fall down in the elevator lobby (this actually happened), you're too sick to go to work.
5) If you feel the heat radiating from your eyeballs, you're too sick to go to work.
6) If work is the most important thing in your life and you look down on people who take days off but you're sick anyway and your sneezes shake the entire floor, you first need to stop dressing like it's the 80s, then you need to get a freaking hobby, then you need to stay the fuck home and stop making us all sick.
Got it, assholes? You better because if you don't stop coming to work and spreading your falling down disease, your sickness is going to be the least of your worries because I will make you dead.