Monday, October 13, 2008

The Answers

I'm feeling a little Jeopardy-ish today, so I thought I'd try an experiment.  I came up with a series of questions and answered them.  I'm posting the answers here and I'll post the questions later, then I'll post the questions and the answers together in a few hours.  The questions have been replaced by dashes.  Here we go:

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That's what I said.  It's ridiculous, but we have to deal with it if we want to get that license.  That's the way things work in Chicago.

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I'm Jeff and I'm sick of you questioning me.  In fact I have half a mind to toss you the hell out of here.  And when I throw someone out they stay out.  They don't come back.  So either you leave on your own or I throw you out. 

Yeah, that's what I thought.

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Over here.  I thought I'd fill up my water bottle.  You know, because I'm thirsty.  So, I'll be over here...  Filling up my water bottle...  So, yeah.  Right here.

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Obviously more than twice - otherwise you wouldn't be so pissed.  I'll write it down.  There.  Happy now?

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No.  In fact, I'll probably do the opposite.  Unless the opposite of what everyone is doing is really dangerous, then I'll do something different than what everyone else is doing that isn't quite as dangerous.

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Well, it's what I am wearing.  I had planned to continue to wear it, but now I'm having second thoughts.  Maybe I'll change my shirt, but I like the pants.  I'm keeping the pants.  Well, maybe the pants, too.  But the shoes are good.  Yes, I like the shoes.  I think.

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I was taking a nap.  I thought that was pretty obvious.  Thanks for waking me up.

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Probably just the wind.

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You mean the obnoxiously loud tornado siren?  Yeah, I heard it.  Why do you think I'm going to the basement?

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Not me.

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Frankly, I didn't.  I just wanted to give it a try.  It seemed somewhat possible, but I wasn't holding my breath.  I'll just have to try something else.

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Don't you worry about that.  I've got it covered.  Just take whatever you need and get to work.

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Why do you care?  What does that have to do with anything?  Do you mean to imply that you are my daddy?  You, sir, are not my daddy.  My daddy was a much better man than you.  To wit, he would never ask silly, taunting questions to his opponents after besting them at sport.  By the way, well played.  I'll see you at the other end of the court.

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Porcupine

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Well, I thought you'd be charmed by my wit and realize that your husband is bland and boring and that you might as well take a shot with me.  Or at least I thought you'd be slightly enamored with me and frustrated enough with your husband that you'd be willing to say "screw it" and have a one night stand.  I guess I overestimated how lame your husband is.

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Yeah.  Sorry man.  Nothing I can do about it.

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Not if you're going to try to sell me something.

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No.

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$200

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*Click*

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If you're asking, you already know the answer.  Do you think she would have stormed out of the room if it wasn't?  She's pissed and you need to apologize.

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Of course you are.  That is completely racist.  It's not even debatable.  You are 100% in the wrong.  In fact, you need to leave.  Get out.

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Nope.  They're replicas.  I keep the real ones in a safe deposit box.  These are just for show.

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I'm not really sure.  They seem that way, but I'm not an expert.  I just try to find some that aren't bruised and hope for the best.

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Well, there are all kinds of options.  You just need to find one.  If you don't take care of this, there's going to be trouble.  And I don't mean it's-going-to-be-hard-to-get-a-loan trouble.  I mean sleep-with-the-lights-on trouble.  So figure something out.  I'll be back in a week, you better have a plan.

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Oh yeah.  Just like that.

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No, I won't.  It's just going to be a telemarketer and I'll have to hang up.  I don't like hanging up on people.

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A ten, five, four ones and four quarters.

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Depends upon what you're willing to pay.  To a collector it's worth about $2,000 but to a guy who's freezing it's worth as much as a week-old newspaper - great kindling.

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Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Just thinking to myself.  I swear.

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