Monday, October 27, 2008

Conference Calls

Listen, assholes.  Stop having side conversations when you're on a conference call with a speakerphone.  It fucks everything up.  The mic on the phone picks up your little side convo and all the other end hears is silence while someone actually participating in the meeting is trying to say something that people need to hear.  Don't you nod your head like you know what I'm talking about guy-who-loudly-shuffles-his-papers.  You're just as guilty.  You're inability to sit still causes the same problems.  And you, guy-who-calls-in-from-his-desk-even-though-the-conference-room-is-twenty-feet-down-the-hall-because-you're-too-busy, put your goddamn phone on mute.  We can hear you hammering away at your ergonomic keyboard.  It's annoying.  Plus, we now know you're not paying a damn bit of attention.  Thanks for showing up, dickbag.  And fuck you, guy-who-dials-in-late-and-wants-to-be-caught-up-on-everything.  You already suck for being late, don't make us waste any more time by bringing you up to speed.  But mostly, I'd like to send out a super-triple dose of go fuck yourself to the mute button guy.  Yeah, you know who you are.  You put us all on mute while you make some snarky comment about us.  You know what?  We can tell you just put us on mute.  And we know you're saying something shitty about us.  We're not idiots.  Life is filled with background noise and when the phone goes completely silent we know something is up.  Go choke on a crusty scrotum, assholes.  We're sick of you fucking up our conference calls.

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