Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Questions and Answers

What the fuck?
That's what I said.  It's ridiculous, but we have to deal with it if we want to get that license.  That's the way things work in Chicago.

Who do you think you are?
I'm Jeff and I'm sick of you questioning me.  In fact I have half a mind to toss you the hell out of here.  And when I throw someone out they stay out.  They don't come back.  So either you leave on your own or I throw you out. 

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Where do you think you're going?
Over here.  I thought I'd fill up my water bottle.  You know, because I'm thirsty.  So, I'll be over here...  Filling up my water bottle...  So, yeah.  Right here.

How many times do I have to tell you?
Obviously more than twice - otherwise you wouldn't be so pissed.  I'll write it down.  There.  Happy now?

If everyone else does it, will you?
No.  In fact, I'll probably do the opposite.  Unless the opposite of what everyone is doing is really dangerous, then I'll do something different than what everyone else is doing that isn't quite as dangerous.

Is that what you're going to wear?
Well, it's what I am wearing.  I had planned to continue to wear it, but now I'm having second thoughts.  Maybe I'll change my shirt, but I like the pants.  I'm keeping the pants.  Well, maybe the pants, too.  But the shoes are good.  Yes, I like the shoes.  I think.

What are you doing?
I was taking a nap.  I thought that was pretty obvious.  Thanks for waking me up.  Asshole.

What was that?
Probably just the wind.

Did you hear that?
You mean the obnoxiously loud tornado siren?  Yeah, I heard it.  Why do you think I'm going to the basement?

Who farted?
Not me.

Why did you think that would work?
Frankly, I didn't.  I just wanted to give it a try.  It seemed somewhat possible, but I wasn't holding my breath.  I'll just have to try something else.

How are you going to pay for this?
Don't you worry about that.  I've got it covered.  Just take whatever you need and get to work.

Who's your daddy?
Why do you care?  What does that have to do with anything?  Do you mean to imply that YOU are my daddy?  You, sir, are not my daddy.  My daddy was a much better man than you.  To wit, he would never ask silly, taunting questions to his opponents after besting them at sport.  By the way, well played.  I'll see you at the other end of the court.

What's the safe word?
Porcupine

How did you think this was going to play out?
Well, I thought you'd be charmed by my wit and realize that your husband is bland and boring and that you might as well take a shot with me.  Or at least I thought you'd be slightly enamored with me and frustrated enough with your husband that you'd be willing to say "screw it" and have a one night stand.  I guess I overestimated how lame your husband is.

Seriously?
Yeah.  Sorry man.  Nothing I can do about it.

Can I have a second of your time?
Not if you're going to try to sell me something.

Are you a cop?
No.

How much can I put you down for?
$200

Would you like to talk about changing your phone service?
*Click*

Was that rude?
If you're asking, you already know the answer.  Do you think she would have stormed out of the room if it wasn't?  She's pissed and you need to apologize.

Am I wrong?
Of course you are.  That is completely racist.  It's not even debatable.  You are 100% in the wrong.  In fact, you need to leave.  Get out.

Are those real?
Nope.  They're replicas.  I keep the real ones in a safe deposit box.  These are just for show.

Are these fresh?
I'm not really sure.  They seem that way, but I'm not an expert.  I just try to find some that aren't bruised and hope for the best.

How in the hell am I supposed to come up with that kind of money?
Well, there are all kinds of options.  You just need to find one.  If you don't take care of this, there's going to be trouble.  And I don't mean it's-going-to-be-hard-to-get-a-loan trouble.  I mean sleep-with-the-lights-on trouble.  So figure something out.  I'll be back in a week, you better have a plan.

Do you like that?
Oh yeah.  Just like that.

Will you answer that?

No, I won't.  It's just going to be a telemarketer and I'll have to hang up.  I don't like hanging up on people.

How do you want it?
A ten, five, four ones and four quarters.

What is this worth?
Depends upon what you're willing to pay.  To a collector it's worth about $2,000 but to a guy who's freezing it's worth as much as a week-old newspaper - great kindling.

What are you laughing at?
Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Just thinking to myself.  I swear.

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