Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fiction: Of Nipples and Women's Underwear

 “Hey, dude, you’re bleeding through your shirt.”

“Oh, shit. I need to change my gauze.”

“Are you okay, man? What did you do?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Come on, man. You’re bleeding through your shirt.”

“Yeah. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Don’t want to talk about it? I just admitted to you that I like to wear women’s underwear to work.”

“Yeah, I’m trying to get that image out of my head.”

“I’m just saying that we can tell each other anything, man.”

“Not this. It’s too stupid.”

“Women’s underwear, man. Right now. Behind this thin layer of denim.”


“Just laying it all out there, man. You can trust me, you’ve got something on me.”

“Okay. But this is against my better judgment.”

“So is wearing women’s underwear.”

“Okay, I get it.”


“First of all, you should know that I have a third nipple.”

“What? You’re not serious.”

“Dead serious. I have a third nipple.”

“Can I see it?”

“Do you want to hear the story?”

“Not as badly as I want to see the nipple.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to see it. Not right now.”

“Come on.”

“I’m done. I’m not telling you this story.”

“Okay, okay. You can show me later.”

“So I have a third nipple. When you have a third nipple, you have a choice. You can embrace it or you can reject it.”

“Which did you do?”

“At first I decided to reject it.”

“Reasonable move.”

“But then I saw how much it would cost to have it removed.”

“Yeah, I would expect a nipple amputation to be expensive.”

“It was.  Insurance doesn’t cover nipple removal.”

“So what did you do?”

“Well, I decided to embrace it.”

“Good call, man. Good call.”

“Put your camera phone away.”

“Just one picture?”


“You suck.”

“Anyway, I decided to embrace the nipple. I mean, it was the one thing that set me apart. It made me unique. How many people do you know with three nipples?”

“Including you, one.”

“Right. So I started thinking about what ‘embracing’ the nipple really meant.”

“You said, ‘Embracing the nipple.”

“And I thought that simply letting it exist wasn’t enough.”


“Well, just having it was what made me different. If I was to embrace it, I had to do something more.”

“Something more?”


“Like what?”

“Like a piercing.”


“Just wait.”

“With my new-found self confidence, I ran off to find a tattoo place that also does nipple piercing.”

“That’s not a sentence you hear every day.”

“I found a couple of places, but they wouldn’t do it.”

“Why not? You can’t tell me that people that work in a tattoo shop were freaked out by a third nipple.”

“Nope. There was even one guy who had a tattoo of a third nipple.”

“Then what was it?”

“Well, it’s a third nipple, so it isn’t as well formed as the first two.”

“I see.”

“So it would be a bit tricky to pierce.”

“Are you sure it’s even a nipple?”

“Yeah, it’s definitely a nipple. It’s just not your standard nipple.”

“And these places only do standard nipples?”

“Basically. They told me that it wouldn’t be safe to pierce that nipple. They didn’t want to take the risk.”

“Oh man, I really want to see the nipple now.”

“No you don’t. Let me finish.”

“Go ahead.”

“I didn’t really see how piercing my third nipple could be dangerous, so I kept looking.”

“Good call.”

“Right. This is where I kinda lost my mind.”

“Because you were thinking rationally up to this point.”

“You know what I mean. Anyway, I found a place that would do it.”

“Of course you did.”

“It wasn’t the best place in the world, but it looked like they kept their equipment clean so I figured it would be okay.”

“Just like a Kia dealership.”

“So I had it done. It was pretty painful, but I had never had a nipple pierced before so I just thought that was how it was supposed to go.”

“Did the guy that pierced you at least speak English?”

“Yes. As a second language.”

“You should have just slammed it in a car door, man.”

“Shut up. I’m not proud of this.”

“Okay, go on.”

“It was fine for a few days, but then it started getting red and puffy and tender.”

“Don’t take any offense if I puke.”

“I iced it and put some antibiotic cream on it, but it didn’t seem to help.”

“So you went to the doctor?”

“Not yet. One night I rolled over on it and it felt like it exploded.”

“Oh my God. I’m going to vomit.”

“I looked down and it pretty much had. Like a pimple. It was obviously infected.”

“Then you went to the doctor?”

“Yes. I went to the doctor.”

“And what did he say?”

“That he needed to remove the nipple.”

“So you removed the nipple?”

“Yes. I came straight here afterwards.”

“So you’re bleeding from what used to be your third nipple?”


“I guess your first instinct was right.”

“Reject the nipple.”

“Reject the nipple, man.”


“You should get that as a tattoo.”

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