Monday, August 17, 2009

Weddings and Snowflakes

It’s been the summer of weddings for Dee and me.  We’ve been to four and still have another one to go.  The wonderful thing about weddings is that they are like snowflakes.  They’re all annoying and the same from a distance, but up close they’re all annoying and unique in their own way.  What makes each wedding annoying and unique?  The guests and their clothes.

You see, I’m an old man and I’ve been to many, many, many weddings.  I’ve seen the good and the bad and no matter how cool you or your friends are, there will always be someone at the wedding that adds to the uniquely annoying pattern of your snowflake. 

Examples, you say?

I know that it’s warm and sunny in the summertime and that many of you have sensitive eyes, so I understand that you’ve brought your sunglasses.  I have mine, too.  Let’s wear them while we’re outside at the ceremony.  Let’s wear them while we’re on the patio having drinks.  Let’s not wear them inside while we’re hanging out having hors d’oeuvres.  We have lights that are adjusted to acceptable levels inside so that we don’t need sunglasses.  I know you think they look really cool — and they kinda do — but you look like a douche when you have them on inside.  Plus, people might think you’re blind and that’s insulting to actual blind people.

Don’t laugh over there, underdressed guy.  Your un-ironed shirt and poorly tied tie does not dress up those acid wash jeans.  I don’t care that you have a long, graying beard and steel-toed motorcycle boots.  You’re still at a wedding and everyone else managed to at least put on a pair of Dockers.  Also, your jeans are too tight.

I almost forgot about you, girl in ill-fitting dress.  Yes, that dress looked great on Vanessa Hudgens when you saw it in People, but you’re not Vanessa Hudgens.  In fact, it looks like you may have eaten Vanessa Hudgens.  Also, you shouldn’t wear an open-backed dress when your back looks like a topographical map of the Alps.  Look at that full figured lady over there.  Doesn’t her dress look great?  She’s accentuating the right things and not trying to be trendy.  Take notes.

I love to dance at a wedding when the DJ is really bringing it and I get hot and sweaty.  That’s part of the deal when you’re at a wedding.  Now, I know you think you look really good in your brand-new wife beater but we don’t need to see it.  Loosen up the tie, unbutton the top button, roll up the sleeves.  Those are all acceptable.  You can even lose the tie altogether, but keep your shirt on.  No one should have to see unshaven armpits at a wedding.

Excuse me, miss.  You’ve got great legs but that dress is way too short.  We’re not at the club.  Plus, my wife has caught me looking more than once.  Our hotel room does not have a couch.

Excuse me, sir.  Did short dress girl tie your tie?  That thing should at least reach your belt.  I’ve got some big shoes and a red nose you can borrow.

These are just a few examples of the people that make every wedding special.  I’d say that I’d love it if they read this post and took my advice, but then I’d actually have to work to make fun of people.

4 comments:

  1. Love it! it made me a bit insecure about my wedding attire but I think I'm OK now! We can't wait to share a few wedding laughs with you in Galena!

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  2. Thanks for reading!

    Don't worry, I'm sure you looked great. See you in Galena.

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  3. Dare I ask what role did our wedding have on the list?

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  4. @Christina - I think your wedding may have had a too short tie guy, but I don't think there were any of the others. You're in the clear.

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