Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Listening to Your Wife Give You Suggestions for Pros and Cons

Pros:
1) She’s a lot more fun to stare at than the blank computer screen.
2) I get to judge and I love to judge.
3) She eventually inspires an idea.

Cons:

1) She shouts out whatever she sees on TV.
2) She thinks “The Pros and Cons of Having Burning Hands” is hilarious.
3) It feels like cheating.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Why I Could Never Be President

1. Campaigning.
2. I couldn't resist making jokes at inappropriate times - I also couldn’t resist making inappropriate jokes at all times.
3. Traveling is annoying.
4. My paranoia.
5. I'm old and tired.
6. My house would have a bowling alley in it.  I'd never get anything done.
7. They would take away my iPhone and my laptop and the technology in White House is notoriously bad.
8. I say "dude" way too much.
9. There is videotape of me saying "fuck you" to a large crowd.  They laughed, though.
10. I'm not smart enough.
11. I don't like baseball.
12. I don't think they'd let me put a Directv dish on the roof so that I could see the Colts games.
13. I'd have to explain my Lapsed Catholicism.
14. I'd have to explain what happened at all those Phish shows I went to.
15. I couldn't have my dad as an advisor.
16. My McSweeney's book delivery always comes in a sketchy package that White House security would definitely think is a bomb.
17. Because I just used the name of the residence of the our nation's leader in the same sentence with the general term for an explosive device.
18. Because that last sentence probably wouldn't pass muster, either.
19. I would waste a lot of taxpayer time and money outlawing bad commercials.
20. I'm pretty sure my campaign would be wiped out by a quick check of my Internet history.
21. I don’t think religion (of any type) has any place in our legal system.
22. Nothing would get done on Saturdays and Sundays during football season.
23. I’m proud of my gay friends and the people who vote aren’t cool with that.
24. The White House is pretty old; I prefer new construction.
25. I’m pretty sure everyone would confuse me with this guy.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fiction: In the Window

Jacob never liked TV much.  He liked true stories, real life.  That’s why all of his furniture was turned towards the windows.  Every evening for the last thirty years Jacob sat down in his chair after dinner.  He watched his street corner from 7:00 o’clock until he went to bed at 11:00 o’clock.  His routine never changed.  Much like the scene on the street never changed.

This is what he saw every night: Outside of the Walgreen’s a Streetwise vendor stands selling his papers by shouting, “Streetwise!  We don’t want it all, just one dollar!”  In the Walgreen’s parking lot a tow truck sits waits barely hidden in the alley waiting to spring like a trapdoor spider.  Across from the Walgreen’s, Mr. Jin lingers in the doorway smoking a cigarette and suspiciously eyeing anyone who enters his store.  A True-Value Hardware store stood next to Mr. Jin’s convenience store.  It looked closed, but it was always open.  Early in the evening, groups of young professionals would file through the intersection every ten minutes from the ‘L’ stop.  As the night wore on, those young professionals would become drunk young professionals stumbling home from the neighborhood bars.  Occasionally, Jacob would see a drunken scuffle on the street.  Usually, he’d just see a few cars get towed and watch the Streetwise vendor make a few new friends.

On this night, Jacob was relieved that everything was proceeding as usual; he was distracted.  He had been having trouble concentrating all day.  It felt good to sit in his chair and watch familiar things happen on his familiar intersection.  He smiled down at the Streetwise vendor turning people’s heads with his clever slogan.  He checked his watch at 7:45 and wondered why he hadn’t yet seen Mr. Jin take a smoke break.  He noticed the True-Value had new lights on the street, it now looked like it was actually open.  Jacob laughed to himself.  Sometimes things do change.  Then he fell asleep.

When Jacob woke up, he checked his watch.  It was 12:17.  He looked out at the street.  Things had changed.  Mr. Jin was in the Walgreen’s parking lot with a cop.  They exchanged a few words and Mr. Jin handed the cop something from his (Mr. Jin’s) pocket.  The cop turned towards the street just as the tow truck was pulling up with his cruiser on the back.  The truck bed tilted and lowered the police cruiser back onto the street.  Once the car was detached from the wench, the cop tipped his hat to the tow truck driver and drove off to the north.  Mr. Jin nodded to the tow truck driver.  As the driver crossed the parking lot, Mr. Jin produced an envelope from his pocket and held it out to the driver.  The driver took it without a word and walked back to his truck.

Jacob noticed that one of the new lights was out over the True-Value.  It had clearly been broken.  He checked his watch again.  He’d never watched the parking lot this late before.  He didn’t know if this was standard procedure for his intersection after midnight or if this was a one time thing.  Everyone in the parking lot seemed familiar with each other and the process.  He wondered how they were able to consistently tow a cop car.  Jacob grabbed a notepad and pencil from the table next to him and jotted down what he saw.  He made a note to stay up later tomorrow night.  When he looked up, he saw Mr. Jin standing in the doorway of his store smoking.  As Mr. Jin put out his cigarette, he paused and seemed to look directly at Jacob in the window.  He held his gaze and Jacob froze.  When Mr. Jin turned and walked into the store, Jacob knew that he wouldn’t sleep.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Here's the Thing...

…if your big cause simply consists of being against something, you are part of the problem.

…just because I work with computers doesn’t mean that I’m an expert on all things computer related.  For example, I don’t know squat about the kind of paper you should use in your printer.

…Coldplay sucks.

…spelling your name in an unconventional way does not make you special.  It makes you a pain in the ass.

…Dancing With the Stars is the the most unwatchable show on television.  It’s a bunch of D-list celebrities tying to learn how to dance.  If that’s not enough to convince you this show is crap, they have a crappy band play crappy versions of already crappy songs for the D-list celebrities’ routines.  After the routines are over, the crappy host makes crappy jokes that would embarrass Jay Leno.  If you watch and enjoy this show I think less of you as a person and I seriously question your intelligence.

Monday, September 21, 2009

My Other Projects

You may be surprised, but I do more than just write this blog.  In fact, I have several projects I’m working on at any given time.  Mostly I spend my extra time working on new books.  Below is a selection of the working titles of all of the books I am currently writing.

How to Keep All Those Weddings From Ruining Your Summer
My Uncle the Spaceman
My Dad Is Smarter Than Your Dad (Nicer, Too): True Stories From the Life of David C. Ford
There are No Accidental Stabbings: Why Guns are Stupid
Why I Hate You Because You Made the Easy Joke
Why I Hate the People That Laughed at You Even More (The much anticipated sequel to WIHYBYMTEJ)
Yes, That is My Real Name
Thirty-three Years Without a Raincoat: My Life Story
Don’t Be Offended, Everyone Else Bores Me Too

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Truth: The Third Date

Michelle picked the restaurant.  It was a place that she always wanted to try.  It was our third date.

My stomach was churning.  It was easily the most nervous I’d been for a third date.  Michelle was everything you want in a girl.  She was everything I wanted in a girl.  Unfortunately, a restaurant was the last place I wanted to be with her.  I’d rather be doing anything else.

Michelle had a habit of biting down and scraping her teeth across her fork when she ate.  I couldn’t stand it.  The sound gave me chills and it made my teeth hurt.  It made dinner conversation nearly impossible.

“Are you cold,” she asked.

“No.  I just…  I’m…”

“Is everything okay,” she asked as she took another bite of her salmon and sent shivers down my spine.

“Yeah.  I’m just not very hungry.”

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Um.  Sure.”

“Do you have an eating disorder?”

“What?  No.  What are you talking about?”

“Well, you’ve been weird at dinner every time we go out, but you’re fine once we leave.”

“Oh.  That,” I said sheepishly.  “This is going to sound really stupid and I don’t want to offend you, but I’m really bothered by the way you eat.”

“I’m trying really hard to not be offended,” she said as she mercifully put her fork down.

“No, listen.  I have this thing with teeth on silverware.  I can’t stand the sound.  It gives me the chills and I can’t concentrate on anything else.”

“Oh.  Do I scrape my teeth on the sliverware,” she asked adorably.

“Yeah.  Every time you take a bite.  I’ve been hoping that I would just get used to it, but I haven’t.”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t know I did that.  I didn’t know it bothered you so much.”

“Not your fault.  I’m weird,” I said as she picked up her fork again.

“Maybe I can eat without using my teeth.”

I thought, “She is the perfect girl.  She’s going to change the way she eats because of my strange pet-peeve.”

She raised the fork to her mouth.  I held my breath.  If she could do this, all would be well.  I’d be able to have dinner with this wonderful girl and be my regular, slightly charming self.  She took a bite.  No teeth, the budding relationship was saved.

“There.  Was that better,” she asked.

“Yes.  That was perfect.  I’m sorry about all this.”

“No, don’t be.  It’s not a big deal.  I’m glad you told me,” she said and I could hear the Perfect Girl Meter straining to measure her perfectness.

“Okay, let’s eat and have engaging conversation.”  She laughed and I melted.  Then she took another bite, this time with teeth.  I shivered.

“Oh, sorry.  Did I do it again?”

“Yeah.  It’s fine, I’m sure it will take some getting used to,” I said.

“Yeah.  Sorry.”

We sat quietly for a while and ate.  It was clear that she needed to concentrate on eating without scraping her teeth on the fork.  I let her concentrate and enjoyed my first full meal in three dates.

“Listen, Jeff.  I don’t know if I can do this.  I have to work really hard to not scrape my teeth, I’ve done it all my life,” she said, suddenly sad.

“Well, this is the first time you’ve ever tried.”

“Yes, but we’re not talking.  We’re just sitting here eating in silence.  I like you because you’re funny and fun to talk to but we can’t do that if I have to eat this way.”

“Are you saying you can’t change the way you eat?”

“Yes.”

“Then I guess this isn’t going to work is it?”

She looked shocked, “We can do other things.”

I smiled sadly and said, “Yes, but at some point we’re going to need to eat together.  Would you want me to be weird through a whole dinner with your parents?”

“No,” she looked down.

“I’m very sorry.  I can’t tell you how much I want this to work.  You’re great, but I’ve got this stupid involuntary reaction to that sound.”

“I can’t believe that this is why we’re not going to keep going out,” I could see her starting to get angry.

“Blame me.  Tell everyone what a dick I am.  It’s my fault.”

“I know.  I will blame you,” now she was clearly angry.

“At least you’ll have a good story to tell your friends,” I said.  She glared at me.  She didn’t need to speak for me to know what she was thinking.  I had gone from exciting new potential boyfriend to complete jackass in just a few strange seconds.  I knew there was nothing I could say to put out the fire burning in her eyes.  She grabbed her purse and walked out.  I watched her go.  I hadn’t even had a chance to compliment her on her dress.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What To Do While You Are Being Attacked by a Bear

1) Run, run, run and then run some more.
2) Offer him a granola bar — preferably one with honey.
3) Do your best bear cub impression and hope he accepts you as his son.
4) Kick him in the nuts.
5) Hug him tightly and gently kiss his neck in the hopes that his anger turns to love.
6) Freak out and hope that he thinks he’ll catch crazy if he eats you.
7) Why in the hell did you put yourself in a situation where you could get attacked by a bear?  Seriously.  You deserve to die.
8) Take off your Aaron Rodgers jersey.
9) Play him some soothing music from your iPod and then rub his shoulders, he’s probably just stressed.
10) Die.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My TV Preview

The new fall TV season is starting and I realized that I have a ton of shows that I’ll be watching.  I thought I’d share those shows with you and tell you a little bit about why I like them.  This list only includes shows that I personally choose to watch, not any shows that Dee picks that I might also watch.  I make the distinction because I wouldn’t set the TiVo to watch those shows if I was a single man and this is about my choices, not someone else’s.

New Show I’ll Watch:
Flash Forward (ABC)
This is the only new show I’ve seen previews for that’s got me interested in any way*.  I like the concept of the entire world blacking out for two minutes and 17 seconds (you can bet there will be major significance to those numbers, much like the numbers in Lost) and seeing into their future.  Intrigue, unexplained phenomenon, flashbacks?  Count me in.  Also, I’m pretty sure that there is some sort of mysterious web puzzle related to the show that I’ve already been missing.

Old Shows I’ll Continue Watching:
Lost (ABC)
Intrigue, unexplained phenomenon and flashbacks at its best.  Most of the time.  This show has been close to losing me a couple times, but I’m so invested that it makes no sense to bail before the final season.  Besides, I quite enjoyed last season.

Fringe (Fox)
I might as well keep the whole intrigue, unexplained phenomenon and flashbacks theme going.  This show — I’m just beginning to realize — is basically the X-Files.  I never got into the X-Files, but I’m into this show.  I like that each episode stands on its own and still manages to push forward the overarching conspiracy story.  It’s both more fun and darker than Lost, which I like.  Plus, those strange images they flash before commercials are cool.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
I love this show.  I feel like it was written specifically for me.  It hits every single one of my laugh buttons.  It’s dark and twisted, frantic, ridiculous and goofy all at once.  This is definitely not for everyone.  If you are even slightly offended by anything that is on mainstream TV, you will definitely be offended by this.  And that’s exactly why it’s awesome.

House (Fox)
Another show that makes me laugh.  Hugh Laurie plays a fantastic jackass and because of all of the medical stuff, I can’t predict what’s going to happen next like I can with almost every other TV show (with the exceptions of the ones listed above). 

Bones (Fox)
Quirky and fun.  I like the two lead characters (Bones and Booth) and their interplay.  It’s certainly not mind-blowing, but I’m pretty much a sucker for any kind of crime drama.

Law & Order and Law & Order: SVU (NBC)
Every now and then I’ll tune in to USA or some similar channel to catch re-runs of one of these shows and they’ll play one I’ve never seen before.  That’s shocking because this is what I turn on when there is nothing else to watch.  Again, I’m a sucker for crime drama.

The Office (NBC)
I was sure the American version would fail but boy am I glad it didn’t.  Hilarious and ridiculous.  Great characters and subtle comedy.  Plus it made “that’s what she said” funny again.

30 Rock (NBC)
I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they don’t get this show, but it’s the only show on TV that makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it.  I’ll say it: Funniest show on TV.  You’re welcome, Tina Fey.  Thank you, Tina Fey.

Family Guy (Fox)
It’s dropped off a bit from its early years, but still pumps out a great episode from time to time.  I’ll keep watching simply for the interaction between Stewie and Brian.  Cool Whhhip.

South Park (Comedy Central)
These guys are brilliant.  One of the smartest comedies on TV.  No, it is the smartest comedy on TV.  When they find something to riff on, they are pure genius.  If you have any doubts, watch the Scientology episode.

Saturday Night Live (NBC)
As an improviser and comedian, it’s required television.  Thank god for TiVo.

Nip/Tuck (FX)
Dee got me sucked in to this one.  At first I thought it was a cheesy, over-the-top drama and I was right.  However, they go so far over-the-top that it becomes clear that they are making fun of the whole soap opera genre.  I love seeing what sick new thing they’ll do next.

Entourage (HBO)
Every time this show ended Dee used to say, “It’s not long enough,” which is the highest compliment you can pay any kind of entertainment.  Unfortunately, this season has been a series of disappointments.  It’s almost become unwatchable and it may soon fall off of my list.

Man, that’s one long list of shows and that doesn’t even include the hours of football I plan to watch on the weekends.  I never used to watch this much TV, but TiVo has allowed me to watch nearly everything I want.  Unfortunately, I haven’t restrained myself until recently.  I’ve made a resolution that I can’t add a new TV show unless I drop off an old one**.  Lost is the only show that I know is ending after this season, which means that I’ll only get to add one new one next season.  I was thinking of making that show Mad Men since I’ve heard such good things, but I’ll probably just wait for Mad Men to end and then rent all the DVDs.

*Sorry Glee fans but I’m not interested in another lame high school drama that takes already cheesy rock music and makes it even more cheesy.
**Flash Forward is replacing Prison Break.  I know, I know, I’m the only one who watched that show to the very end.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fiction: The Train Car

Tom is the winner from last week's Truth or Fiction challenge.  He correctly guessed that "Breakup" and "Thanksgiving" were true and "Cats" and "First Date" are fiction.  Tom, you now get to choose if you want a feature written about you or if you want to choose the topic for a week.  Congrats.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

My commute is typically the least memorable part of my day.  I get on the train, sit for an hour, get off the train and walk to work.  It’s the same every day and I try to waste as little brain space on it as possible.  This morning is different.  Someone new is waiting on the platform.  A girl.  I only notice her because she’s standing in my usual spot.  I walk a little farther to the north so that I can pretend to watch for the train.  I’m really looking at her.  She stands there dressed for work.  Business casual.  It’s a warm day, so she’s wearing black pants with a pink sweater set minus the sweater.  She holds a paperback, alternating between reading it and checking for the train.  With her head down, her dark hair falls into her face and obscures her from my view.  I wait patiently.  I know what comes next.  She looks up and flips her hair out of her face with a quick turn of her head.  She glances towards the train and then glances in my direction.  Her warm blue eyes don’t quite find mine, but I’m not looking for recognition.  I turn away so as not to stare.  It’s probably too late.  I’ve been staring.  Somehow I feel safe when listening to my iPod.  It’s like I don’t quite exist in the world because I have my own soundtrack that no one else can hear.  Unfortunately, I still exist. 

I’m startled by a loud rumbling as the train approaches.  I look up and she is tucking her book into her handbag.  She confidently looks up and moves toward the nearest door.  I slowly follow.  As she rises to the first step, I fall in behind her.  The train’s brakes give and it suddenly lurches forward.  She falls back.  I reach up and put my hand on the small of her back to steady her.  She flails backwards with her hands and finds my shoulder.  The train stops again.  We hold this pose for a few brief seconds so that the judges can admire our perfect form.  I gently push her back up onto the first step.  She looks over her shoulder, smiles and says, “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” I say as I gently push her back onto her feet and follow her up the stairs.

“Nice catch, that could have been a nasty fall.”

I immediately regret saying, “You can thank my ninja-like reflexes.”

She laughs and motions for me to sit down next to her.  As I take my seat, she offers her hand and says, “I’m Cecilia.  Thanks for catching me.”

“I’m James.  You’re welcome, Cecilia.”

“Also, no jokes about how I’m breaking your heart or shaking your confidence.”

“Okay, but just as long as you remember I like my martini shaken, not stirred,” I say as another wave of regret strikes.

She’s kind enough to laugh and we’re suddenly distracted by a scruffy looking man who has decided to begin preaching to the train car.  He shouts, “Impure!  I feel the impurity on this train.”  He begins walking in our direction and Cecilia and I exchange a worried glance.  He continues, “All of you are impure and you must seek purity.  Find something pure and use it to guide you.”  He points at us and declares, “Like the love of this young couple.  Pure, new, real.”

I interrupt him, “Actually, we’re not in love.  We just met so we’re probably not the best example.”

“Even better,” he replies, “This young couple who just met is starting from a place of purity.  Nothing has transpired between them to taint their views.  They’re optimistic.  Hopeful.  Pure.  Use this as your guide.”

“Where is the Conductor,” I asked to no one and everyone.

“This couple is possibility.  They have the possibility to remain pure and pursue true pureness in their lives,” he announces to the train.

At this point, I’ll try anything to interrupt him, “I’m pretty sure that pureness is not a word.”

“I think it is a word,” Cecilia says.

I look at her incredulously and she smiles back, very pleased with herself.  Before I can say anything more the preacher replies, “Of course pureness is a word.  It’s the state you’re living in right now with that beautiful young lady and it’s what we’re all striving for.”

“I like this guy,” Cecilia says, trying not to laugh.

I stand, turn to the preacher and say, “Listen, I appreciate you using our pureness as an example but now that everyone on this car has something to shoot for, maybe you should move on to another car that doesn’t have as much purity as we do.”

“I think we should hear him out,” Cecilia chimed in.

The preacher looked shocked, “The arrogance!  Any purity you might have had earlier is gone!  It has been replaced by hubris and arrogance!  Repent!”

“Hubris.  Good word,” Cecilia added.

I could feel my face turning red with anger and shouted at the man, “I don’t care about purity, I just want you to leave so I can flirt with this girl!”

The train car got suddenly quiet as I realized what I had just said.  A few people chuckled behind me.  I looked at Cecilia and she smiled broadly, clearly enjoying the moment.  The silence broken by the Conductor rushing up to me and the preacher and asking, “Is there a problem here?”

“No, sir.  Just having a conversation with this young man on my way to the next car,” the preacher responded as he walked away.

I sat down.  I couldn’t bring myself to look at Cecilia.  When I did she was still smiling, “Does that mean you’re going to ask me for my number?”

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Sitting Next to a Michigan Fan at the ND-Nevada Game

Pros:
1) He asks you the name of every ND player and makes you feel smart.
2) When asked why he’s there he says, “I wanted to see a good team play this year.”
3) He leaves after the first quarter.

Cons:
1) He asks you the name of several players twice.  Including Clausen.
2) He and his girlfriend are larger than the allocated bench space.
3) He’s a Michigan fan.

Monday, September 07, 2009

FOOTBALL!

It’s football season — the greatest time of the year.  I just got back from South Bend, Indiana where I watched the Irish pound Nevada in impressive fashion.

See?  Impressive.

Next Sunday the Colts take on Jacksonville in their season opener.  I’m expecting another impressive win.  And now you’re expecting an impressive prediction-type column.  I’ve never been one to live up to expectations, so I’m going to deliver a little advice to both college and pro football fans across the country instead.

Beware the Irish
Notre Dame fans, don’t start talking BCS just yet but don’t start shopping around for new coaches, either.  These guys are going to have a season that is just good enough to keep Charlie running the show, but not satisfy the haters.  Try to enjoy the wins.  Sing the fight song when they score, scream like crazy for the defense on 3rd and 1 and hope to hell they beat USC.  Also, relax.  Good shit still happens if ND doesn’t win the National Championship.

Insecurity Complex
Listen folks, I know you haven’t had a good quarterback in over 20 years and you can’t quite believe that you have one now, but you do.  Jay Cutler is a good quarterback.  There are going to be exciting comebacks and consistent conversions on 3rd and long.  Your defense will be rested.  Just imagine what will happen once you get a star receiver.  Trust me on this.  The Colts had terrible QBs since they moved to Indy and then Peyton Manning happened.  It’s been fun.

Tebow for World Savior
This isn’t advice for fans as much as it is for the media.  Yeah, we know Tebow is a great football player.  We also know that he’s a good kid.  Let’s just lay off of him a bit and let him be a football player and college student.  There will be backlash if we keep getting a steady diet of Tebow-worship.

Changing of the Guard
Quick, name the top three teams in the AFC this year.  You probably mentioned three of the following four teams: Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Chargers.  If you mentioned any three of those, you’re right.  Unfortunately, Colts fans, the Colts don’t make that list.  Get used to it.  Dungy’s gone, the offensive line is struggling and Harrison isn’t there to pull attention off Wayne.  Hell, they didn’t even win the division last year.  There’s going to be a couple years of rebuilding.  Don’t turn on this team.  They’ll be back.  When you have Manning, you’ll always have a chance.

Why the Chip?
Quick question for Pats fans: Why the hate for Manning?  You’ve got one hell of a QB and your team has dominated the last decade.  What’s up with the chip on your shoulder regarding Manning?  There can be two Hall of Fame quarterbacks playing the game at the same time.  Also, buy your coach a new sweatshirt — his is broken.

Go Army!  Beat America’s Enemies!
Hey Army fans, thanks for defending our country. 

I’m Serious
Titans fans, take a shower.  You stink.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Truth & Fiction: Four 50-word Stories

There are four stories below.  Two are true and two are fiction.  The first person to guess them all correctly gets a special feature story written about them or the winner can choose the topic that all three of my posts will be for a week -- whichever you like.  Leave your guesses in the comments.


Breakup
"It's over," I said.

Crying, she handed me a story.  It was beautiful and touching, written from a place of true love.  She thought I had written it for her.  I didn't know the author.

How could she think something so beautiful had come from me? 



I am a monster.   



Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving with his ex-girlfriend's family sounded better than Thanksgiving alone. We could pretend to be happy one last time.

She ran to him at full speed and leapt into his arms. He realized his mistake. How do you explain to a two-year-old that you'll never see her again?


Cats
It was a black cat with white splotches on its face and paws.  She named him Boots.  I smiled when I saw how relaxed they both were when he sat in her lap and purred.  In the end, it was only he who got to stay.  I hate cats.


First Date
Feeling dehydrated and disoriented, I looked up from the toilet, wiping my mouth.  I opened the stall door.

She was looking at me in the mirror.  "Damn. I'm in the ladies room," I thought. 



"I think we'll be skipping the good night kiss," she said.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Here's the Thing...

…no one gives a shit about your fantasy football team.  Especially me.

…your behavior is not excused simply because you admit to being a pain in the ass.

…aside from being completely wrong, it seems like cheating on your spouse takes way more effort than it is worth.

…i love my wife.

…if you’re on a large email chain where people are firing jokes back and forth you don’t need to respond with, “Oh my god, this is so funny.  You guys are making me laugh so hard.”  We know.  We’re all hilarious.