Monday, September 07, 2009


It’s football season — the greatest time of the year.  I just got back from South Bend, Indiana where I watched the Irish pound Nevada in impressive fashion.

See?  Impressive.

Next Sunday the Colts take on Jacksonville in their season opener.  I’m expecting another impressive win.  And now you’re expecting an impressive prediction-type column.  I’ve never been one to live up to expectations, so I’m going to deliver a little advice to both college and pro football fans across the country instead.

Beware the Irish
Notre Dame fans, don’t start talking BCS just yet but don’t start shopping around for new coaches, either.  These guys are going to have a season that is just good enough to keep Charlie running the show, but not satisfy the haters.  Try to enjoy the wins.  Sing the fight song when they score, scream like crazy for the defense on 3rd and 1 and hope to hell they beat USC.  Also, relax.  Good shit still happens if ND doesn’t win the National Championship.

Insecurity Complex
Listen folks, I know you haven’t had a good quarterback in over 20 years and you can’t quite believe that you have one now, but you do.  Jay Cutler is a good quarterback.  There are going to be exciting comebacks and consistent conversions on 3rd and long.  Your defense will be rested.  Just imagine what will happen once you get a star receiver.  Trust me on this.  The Colts had terrible QBs since they moved to Indy and then Peyton Manning happened.  It’s been fun.

Tebow for World Savior
This isn’t advice for fans as much as it is for the media.  Yeah, we know Tebow is a great football player.  We also know that he’s a good kid.  Let’s just lay off of him a bit and let him be a football player and college student.  There will be backlash if we keep getting a steady diet of Tebow-worship.

Changing of the Guard
Quick, name the top three teams in the AFC this year.  You probably mentioned three of the following four teams: Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Chargers.  If you mentioned any three of those, you’re right.  Unfortunately, Colts fans, the Colts don’t make that list.  Get used to it.  Dungy’s gone, the offensive line is struggling and Harrison isn’t there to pull attention off Wayne.  Hell, they didn’t even win the division last year.  There’s going to be a couple years of rebuilding.  Don’t turn on this team.  They’ll be back.  When you have Manning, you’ll always have a chance.

Why the Chip?
Quick question for Pats fans: Why the hate for Manning?  You’ve got one hell of a QB and your team has dominated the last decade.  What’s up with the chip on your shoulder regarding Manning?  There can be two Hall of Fame quarterbacks playing the game at the same time.  Also, buy your coach a new sweatshirt — his is broken.

Go Army!  Beat America’s Enemies!
Hey Army fans, thanks for defending our country. 

I’m Serious
Titans fans, take a shower.  You stink.

1 comment:

  1. If Army fans are defending the country, what do we do with the, um, Army?

    It's true! Titans fans stink!