Monday, September 28, 2009

Why I Could Never Be President

1. Campaigning.
2. I couldn't resist making jokes at inappropriate times - I also couldn’t resist making inappropriate jokes at all times.
3. Traveling is annoying.
4. My paranoia.
5. I'm old and tired.
6. My house would have a bowling alley in it.  I'd never get anything done.
7. They would take away my iPhone and my laptop and the technology in White House is notoriously bad.
8. I say "dude" way too much.
9. There is videotape of me saying "fuck you" to a large crowd.  They laughed, though.
10. I'm not smart enough.
11. I don't like baseball.
12. I don't think they'd let me put a Directv dish on the roof so that I could see the Colts games.
13. I'd have to explain my Lapsed Catholicism.
14. I'd have to explain what happened at all those Phish shows I went to.
15. I couldn't have my dad as an advisor.
16. My McSweeney's book delivery always comes in a sketchy package that White House security would definitely think is a bomb.
17. Because I just used the name of the residence of the our nation's leader in the same sentence with the general term for an explosive device.
18. Because that last sentence probably wouldn't pass muster, either.
19. I would waste a lot of taxpayer time and money outlawing bad commercials.
20. I'm pretty sure my campaign would be wiped out by a quick check of my Internet history.
21. I don’t think religion (of any type) has any place in our legal system.
22. Nothing would get done on Saturdays and Sundays during football season.
23. I’m proud of my gay friends and the people who vote aren’t cool with that.
24. The White House is pretty old; I prefer new construction.
25. I’m pretty sure everyone would confuse me with this guy.

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