Cc: Everyone Else
Subject: It’s been a while…
What is going on my long lost friend? It took me forever to find your freakin’ email address. I searched for you all over Facebook but I guess you don’t have an account. Actually, I didn’t really search all over Facebook, I just used the search box. I guess that’s the same thing, though. You should sign up for Facebook, it’s a great way to get in touch with old friends. It’s also a great way to be totally annoyed by people you barely know. So, you decide. I’m pretty sure you could use more annoyance in your life, you seem way too chipper.
I’d ask you all sorts of questions about your life but you’re not on Facebook or anything like that so I can’t tell you that your vaguely attractive wife is beautiful and that your children (if you have them) are strong and fleet of foot — or whatever it is that you use to properly compliment children. Plus, all that crap sounds phony so I probably wouldn’t say it anyway. Well, maybe I would because it would seem cold and selfish if I didn’t mention something about your wife and children. So, how’s your life?
Things have been crazy with me. Have I talked to you since I got married? No? Well, I’m married now. She’s a real live hot girl — not one of those that are vaguely attractive but people say she’s beautiful anyway. You know, like your wife (if you have one). So, that happened. She’s not perfect, though. She talked me in to getting a dog. Now I’ve got dog hair on most of my possessions. See, I told you my life was crazy.
You know what made me decide to write you? I was thinking about that time on the playground in elementary school where we were playing keep away and we crashed into each other and your head knocked my three bottom front teeth loose. Remember how I went into the bathroom and straightened the crooked one? Yeah, you were the best dentist I ever had.
Seriously. Email me back, or Facebook me.
I don’t use salutations,