Monday, October 19, 2009

Health Care Solutions

The problem with the health care debate is that no one is talking about the real problem with health care in America: sick people.  If there weren’t so many sick people, we wouldn’t need to spend nearly as much money on health care.  Unfortunately, reducing the number of sick people isn’t easy.  Most people tout the effectiveness of preventative medicine, but preventative medicine costs money, too.  Doctor visits, vaccinations, pills and gym memberships all cost money.  It’s a vicious cycle.  The only true way to reduce the amount of money spent on health care is to reduce the number of who might get sick.  How do we know who will get sick?  We don’t.  That’s why we need to reduce the number of total people in America.  I have a plan.

1) Have dumb people spayed and neutered.
This serves two purposes.  First, it keeps people from procreating (if you don’t know what that means, you’ll be spayed or neutered) thereby reducing the number of people who might get sick and it reduces the amount of dumb people.  It’s important to reduce the number of dumb people because dumb people don’t know how to properly take care of themselves which puts them at a higher risk of getting sick.  Of course, we need to find a way to determine which people are dumb.  Fortunately, everyone in America has taken a standardized test at some point.  We gather up those scores and spay or neuter anyone in the bottom third of the scoring.  Or we could just spay and neuter anyone who liked Transformers 2.

2) Implement child quotas.
Limit the number of children people can have to two.  That’s it.  If you get pregnant again, you get a free abortion.  If you’re not willing to get an abortion, we take your child and give it to a loving family in Canada.  The second option is ideal since it would reduce the number of potential sick people in America and the child would get government sponsored health care in Canada.  It’s a win-win.  Also, no more fertility drugs.  If you can’t get pregnant, get a dog.

3) Abortions, abortions, abortions.
Let’s not let our “morals” and “religious beliefs” get in the way.  Get over to the abortion store and buy yourself an abortion.  Do your part to bring down America’s potential number of sick people by reducing your own output.  Each family gets a coupon for one free abortion at the abortion store.

4) More wars.
What’s the easiest legal way to kill people?  War.  The more people we send over to engage in war, the more dead people we will have in America.  The best part about dead people is that they don’t need health care.  Anyone that pisses off America gets war’d.  In true American fashion, we’ll also be helping other countries reduce their health care costs by introducing more dead people into their health care system.

In a health care debate where we seem to be hearing more of the same partisan bickering and very few actual solutions, I’ve offered four realistic solutions in one short blog post.  Feel free to call your congressperson and pass these ideas along.  I’ve emailed them to Obama, so we’ve already got the Executive branch covered.

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