Monday, November 30, 2009

Things I'm Thankful For

Better late than never, right?

-Pumpkin pie.
-Pumpkin flavored cheesecake pie.
-Playlists that last throughout five-hour drives.
-My ability to translate my brother’s cryptic statements for the rest of the family.
-Opportunities to sleep in.
-Chick-fil-a while I’m eating it (but not after).
-The Colts’ ability to pull out a victory every week.
-Golden Tate’s ability to make amazing plays — even in defeat.
-The Comcast customer service rep who claimed her name was Joseph.
-Getting to talk to my uncle about life in the International Space Station.
-People who are reading this right now.
-People who are reading this some other time.
-People who can read.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Here's the Thing...

…you don’t have to be smart to be famous, so why should we care about what famous people think?

…everyone needs to stop saying “independently wealthy.”  Everyone who is wealthy is dependent upon someone else for the money they have.  No one just finds huge piles of cash laying around.

…killing wrong-headed Christians is illegal in real life, so I play Assassin’s Creed II instead.

…based on my criteria, world peace won’t be achieved until someone figures out how to stop the battle between the conflicting thoughts in my mind.

…if you are illiterate you can’t read this.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Palin vs. Fey

During her many television appearances promoting her book, I heard Sarah Palin talk about Tina Fey’s impression of her on Saturday Night Live (SNL). While she admitted that Fey was funny, she specifically mentioned Tina’s “I can see Russia from my house” line. Palin replied, “I never said that and now people think I said that.”

That, my friends, is why you don’t want Palin to be your President.

That one quote sums up the conservative mentality perfectly. Palin actually thinks that people are too dumb to understand that when Tina Fey plays her as a character on SNL Fey is not actually quoting Palin but simply saying things that captures Palin’s mentality. Palin doesn’t think people can separate her from Fey’s depiction of her. Palin thinks you are stupid. In fact, she wrote a whole book that explains to you how stupid you are for misinterpreting everything that has happened to her since she became famous. She doesn’t believe in the American people. Do you want a President who thinks you are stupid?

I don’t even need to mention the irony in the fact that Sarah Palin thinks everyone else is stupid.

What scares me the most is the people across the country who are using Palin as a role model for their daughters. They think that she has been a successful, strong mother who has been unfairly criticized and they tell their children to look up to her. They’re teaching their children that all criticism is unfair and unwarranted. They’re teaching their children that quitting on people that depend upon you is okay. They’re teaching their children that everyone else is stupid.

They should be teaching their children to look up to Tina Fey.

Tina Fey worked her ass off to become a head writer on SNL. She refused to write and play the typical roles that women play on TV. She created and writes one of the funniest and smartest shows on TV, 30 Rock. Why was she able to accomplish these things? She trusts her audience to understand her jokes and characters. She knows she doesn’t have to explain anything to you because you’ll get it. She thinks you’re smart. She believes in the American people.

Would Tina Fey be a good President? Probably not. Would she be a better President than Sarah Palin? Definitely.
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What To Do While Your Wife Goes to the Bulls Game Without You

1) Make sure you still have your testicles.
2) Marvel at the fact that it took your wife 45 minutes to get ready for a basketball game.
3) Watch Notre Dame get killed by Pitt.
4) Walk the dog.
5) Remember the time when the NBA was still relevant.
6) Practice your turns and leaps so that you can someday hang out with your wife and her dancer friends.
7) Roll up your t-shirts and launch them across the condo.
8) Fart freely and loudly.  Not that you don’t do that all the time.
9) Call Larry Bird and see if there’s still a team in Indianapolis.
10) Stop checking your testicles, already.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I've Found My Family, Thankyouverymuch

I saw an ad for a new TV show called “Find My Family.”  Based on the preview, I’ve surmised that this show attempts to reunite adoptees with their biological parents.  I’m sure this show will be right up there with “Extreme Home Makeover” on the crying scale.  However, I have a problem with this show.  As someone who is adopted, I don’t like the name of the show.  You see, I’ve already found my family.  In fact, I found them the day I was born.  By name, my family is David Ford, Joyce Ford, and Matthew, Andrew and Kelly Ford.  The people who adopted me are my family, and I know exactly where to find them.

I need help finding my biological parents.  They are not my family.  Sure, they are my parents but they are not my family.  Family is more than just people who gave you life.  Your family is the people who have been with you through everything you’ve experienced.  You don’t need a TV show to find them.  You know exactly where they are — for better or worse.

Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate what my biological parents did for me.  They had a choice.  They chose nine months of inconvenience so that I could have a home — so that I could live.  They’re just not my family.  That’s another sacrifice they made (assuming that being my parents is desirable).  Maybe someday they could be a part of my life and they would certainly occupy a special place, but they wouldn’t replace my family.

Of course, I understand that “Find My DNA Donors” is not nearly as catchy as “Find My Family” but I thought someone on the adopted side of the coin should mention that they’re not really finding anyone’s family on that show.

I love you Mom and Dad and Matt, Drew and Kelly.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Old Me vs. The New Me

Whenever I look back at the person I used to be, I laugh and scoff at the things I used to do and think (and wear).  I’m shocked that I ever let myself think the thoughts of a young, brash youngster and I marvel at my recklessness.  I was a different person then.  The old Jeff (the young Jeff) is nothing like the new Jeff (the old Jeff).  If I hadn’t changed and learned from my younger years, I’d have a much different life now.  In fact, I probably wouldn’t be married to my wife.  Hell, I probably wouldn’t be married at all.

When I was younger I used to think things like, “I can’t be with someone who likes Britney Spears.  Hell, I can’t even be friends with someone who likes Britney Spears.”  My wife likes Britney Spears.  Twenty-three year old Jeff would look at me and say something like, “Dude.  Really?  Did it get that bad?  You couldn’t find any girls that like Wilco?”  I (thirty-three year old Jeff) would just smile, shake my head and say something like, “Dude.  She invented a new kind of sex,” and watch as I blow my twenty-three year old mind.

Just last night I caught myself thinking like the old Jeff (the young Jeff) when I glanced over at the book Dee was reading and read the following sentence:
    “I can’t stop thinking about what Hilly said to me today at bridge club.”
 I thought, “What person in their right mind decides to keep reading after that sentence?  The only logical thing to do is start a fire in the trash can and purge that book from the face of the Earth.”  I then realized that the person I married keeps reading a book where plot lines revolve around gossip and bridge club.  Before I could make a smartass comment, I thought about some of the sentences found in my books, like this one:
    “And so Charlie Asher, in the service of life and light and all sentient beings, and in the hope rescuing the soul of the love of his life, led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Francisco.”
And so Jeff Ford, in the service of life and love and understanding, called off the fourteen-inch-tall demons that sit on his shoulders and construct all sorts of smartass things for him to say, kissed his wife and went to sleep.

I realized at some point in my life that those things aren’t that big of a deal to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have strong opinions on music and books, it’s just that they aren’t deal breakers for me anymore.  Plus, who is a big enough douchebag to actually believe that they can’t be friends with someone who likes crappy music like Britney Spears or Nickelback?  I realized that I could deal with some crappy music because Dee makes me laugh and lets me fart.  That trumps Britney Spears (but not Nickelback — we’re united in our hatred of Nickelback).  I may have lost my youth, but I gained perspective.

I know that my under twenty-five readers1 are shaking your head and thinking, “Bro, you didn’t gain perspective, you just lowered your standards.”  To you I say, “One: Don’t call me bro.  Two: I’m going to punch you on the face the next time I see you.  That’s my wife you’re talking about.  And three: Have you seen my wife?  Have you listened to her be hilarious and awesome?  Obviously not.”  That’s the difference between you and me.  I now know that change is a good thing and I’m not afraid of it.  It doesn’t make me weaker.  It makes me stronger — which is why that punch on the face2 is going to really hurt.

You’re still wondering if Dee actually did invent a new kind of sex, aren’t you?

1. Look at me acting like I have readers under twenty-five.

2. Yeah, I wrote “punch on the face,” it seems more accurate to me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Being a Notre Dame Grad

1) Half of the people you meet like you immediately.
2) That pesky sun never came out to distract you from studying.
3) Guaranteed tickets to football games.

1) Half of the people you meet hate you immediately.
2) Vitamin D deficiency.
3) A bunch of 18-21 year-old kids can ruin a perfectly good fall weekend.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Random Updatery

The Notre Dame Blues
Notre Dame got beat by Navy.  Believe it or not, that’s worse than it sounds.  It basically means the sky is falling on Notre Dame fandom, but not just any sky — a big concrete sky.  We Notre Dame fans are pissed, and sad, and frustrated, and disappointed, and — to bring my analogy to a conclusion — squished.  You know, by the falling concrete sky.  We’re despondent.  Not even good porn can help.

Thank God the Colts won.

I didn’t realize my wife was having a mid-life crisis until she appeared today in an all pink sweatsuit with red lightning bolts on it.  I smiled and asked her if that was what she was planning on wearing to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Contest Winner
I forgot to announce the winner of the Truth and Fiction contest from October 29th.  The winner is Katie and/or Brian Fulton.  He or she guessed correctly — after about seven tries — that all of those 50-word stories were true.  I know it’s hard to believe that my mom would say such things, but she did.  She’s a mom, after all.  A mom will do what it takes to get to the truth when it involves her children.  Saying “ass face donkey fucker” is nothing to a determined mom.

Administrative Note
What’s this?  Me sneaking in an administrative announcement?  Yep.  I’m sure that some of you saw my post way back in June that announced the new posting schedule.  I’ve decided that I’m going to make some changes to that schedule.  The Thursday posts will not strictly be Truth or Fiction anymore.  There will still be some of that, but there will also be more free form posts like this.  I may also skip a Thursday post in favor of a Friday Fun post from time to time as well.  If you’re worried about keeping up, follow me on Twitter or watch Facebook.  I always announce new posts in both places.  Or you could add my blog to your RSS feed.  Don’t know what that is?  If you don’t, your life is harder than it needs to be.

Robot Pirate Monkey Bacon Zombies
Everyone loves robots, pirates and monkeys.  At the very least, popular culture never seems to get sick of those three things and everyone seems to think that anything that is robot, pirate or monkey based is better than that thing sans robot, pirate or monkey.  We need to officially add bacon and zombies to that list.  I would also add vampires, but they have gone mainstream.  So let’s agree that zombies and bacon are now in the overused hipster jokes canon.  Thanks.

Speaking of… 
Professional football players are probably the closest thing we have to actual robots.  Especially when they’re wearing one of those new helmet designs with the crazy facemasks.

This is the 444th post on this blog.  Fours are wild, bitches!  I'm playing the lottery and no one can stop me.  Except for that guy with the gun.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Friday Fun

Sometimes I find cool shit on the web.  Unfortunately, I’m not very good at sharing that shit when I find it.  Well, sometimes I am but only if you follow me on Google Reader.  Anyway, I thought I’d share some fun shit that I’ve stumbled across on the web.  Here you go:

Ice Cream
Do you like ice cream?  Do you like making your own ice cream?  Do you like making your own ice cream out of one ingredient?  Do you like making your own ice cream out of one ingredient that is bananas?  You do?  That’s great because you can:

Banana Ice Cream

It works.  I’ve made it twice and it’s delicious.

Play a Game
If you are a human around my age, you probably remember playing Excitebike on your Nintendo.  If so, you’ll love this game.  If not, you’ll still love this game.  It’s the only way I’ve made it through all those dancing shows Dee watches.


It’s Time to Get Real
Not everything is fun and games.  I’ve never seen the American Merchant Mariners’ Memorial.  It’s one of the most amazing and powerful memorials I’ve ever seen.  Check it out.

Scouting New York — American Merchant Mariners’ Memorial

Art that Moves You

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Here's the Thing...

…of all the things that disappoint me about Americans, reality TV is at the top of that list.

…none of the ideas in Windows 7 came from regular people.  All of the ideas came from the Mac operating system that has been doing all of those things for years.

…everyone is sick.  That’s it.  Everyone is sick.  It’s getting weird.

…my shoes have been wet for three weeks straight.  It’s time for the rain to stop.

…screw the guilt.  Sometimes a Five Guys burger is exactly what you need.

Monday, November 02, 2009

On Halloween

It’s no secret that Halloween is not my favorite holiday.  It never has been.  I’ve never liked thinking up a costume and spending the ridiculous amounts of time it takes to put the costume together.  For what?  A few hours before the costume falls apart and maybe, if you’re lucky, some chuckles and nods.  No thanks.  It’s always a let down.  Plus, I’ve never really had a sweet tooth.

Most people assume I don't like Halloween for more the more popular reason of “it’s just an excuse for people to dress slutty.”  I don’t actually hate Halloween for that reason because it’s not really true anymore.  If you take a look around Wrigleyville on any given weekend night, you see plenty of people dressed slutty.  Plus, when do straight people ever get together and get sexy all at once?  Halloween.  It’s the gay pride parade for straight people.  In a society that’s wound way too tight, a little sexyness is needed.

My Halloween
I spent most of Halloween night watching the Notre Dame game.  Thank God for late starts, huh?  Eventually, the game ended and I ran out of excuses for avoiding Halloween parties.  I dressed as “warm and comfortable” and met my wife at a bar.  I was one of the few people not wearing a costume, but I didn’t feel out of place.  I was comfortable with my decision about not wearing a costume.  However, I made a few observations about the crowd while I was out:

If you’re costume requires a sign explaining your costume, you have a crappy costume.

If you’re costume is a sexy dress that you just added fake wings to, you have a crappy costume.

The most important feature of a truly brilliant costume is an easy way to use the bathroom.

If your costume involves a modifier — as in “Zombie Tom Brady” — you’re trying too hard.

If you wear a rainbow wig and street clothes, you’re a genius.