Thursday, January 07, 2010

A Blast from the Past

Last night was my birthday so I wanted to give myself the night off but I didn’t want to leave you without a Thursday post.  Instead I dug through the archives of the original and found an old post to rerun.  The following was originally posted on June 27, 2002.  It appears as it did then with some very minor changes.  Enjoy.


This portion of text contains highly sensitive and confidential material. As a matter of public security, this information is not intended for the general public. Dissemination of this information would result in a severe breach of the public well-being. Due to the catastrophic results that would surely befall this land if this information were made available to the general public, a command has been passed down that you cease and desist from reading any further.

This is the second warning. Move your eyes away and discontinue reading this text right now. Continuing to read past this point will carry severe penalties. Public safety is not a matter to be taken lightly and you will be dealt with accordingly.

Final warning. You have already taken great risks by continuing to read up to this point, and continuing any further will result in grave consequences. You do not have the proper clearance and the penalties for obtaining this knowledge are extreme. If you are found guilty of knowing this information you will receive a mandatory death sentence as detailed by the Treason statutes. Please do not force us to prosecute and execute you.

Are you still reading? I just told you to stop reading this. Do you want to put the American people in danger? Have you no regard for your own safety? Please stop reading. I don't want to see something bad to happen to you and your family — not to mention the rest of the population. I've given you all of the formal jargon, and now I'm just asking you politely to stop. This is for your own good. I'm just trying to look out for you and you're making it very hard for me. Please stop reading this. It's for the best. Thank you.

Come on, now. I just asked you nicely. Seriously, you are asking for trouble. You don't want to know this information. It's really not that interesting. It's just a bunch of highly technical mumbo jumbo that will probably bore you to tears. I don't even know why you'd want to read it. It's just going to be a big waste of your time. You could be outside playing catch with your kids or treating your spouse to a nice dinner. Why don't you go do that right now? Wouldn't they love you for it? Just give it up. Knowing this Top Secret information is not worth the burden. I'm just trying to do what's best for you — because I care. Thanks.

Dude. You're really starting to annoy me. I've been very pleasant with you up to this point. I'm trying to do the right thing here, so don't make me the bad guy. I'm beginning to think that you're some kind of idiot who can't follow simple instructions. If so, then you wouldn't even understand the upcoming information. Unfortunately, I can't take that chance. I must insist that you stop reading right now. Stop it. Now. Right now. Aaaaarrrrgh! Don't make me come through this computer! I'll do it! I'll come right into your house and gouge your freaking eyes out!

Okay, I'm sorry. I flew off the handle for a second. I'm sorry. I'm not going to hurt you but I really do need you to stop reading now. Will you do that for me? Right after this sentence stop reading. You're still reading aren't you? Why do you keep doing this? I'm just trying to do my job and you're making it very hard for me. For the last time, please stop reading this document. You're reading. I can see your lips moving. Okay, fine. Be that way. If you're going to be a stubborn jerk I'm not going to give you the information. I may lose my job but at least I haven't put the public in danger — which is what you're doing right now. That's it. I'm done. I'm not telling. Jerk.

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