Friday, February 26, 2010

The Canadian Women's Hockey Team Celebration

Everyone is all fired up about the fact that the Canadian Women's Hockey Team celebrated by drinking and smoking on the ice after the game.  In fact, I just saw a headline that the IOC is going to investigate.


These women just went up against the best hockey teams in the world and beat them all.  They just won the gold medal in hockey -- the most important sport in their country -- on their home soil in the Olympics.  What are they supposed to do, go back to the Olympic Village and eat some crackers?  C'mon.  These women have worked their entire lives for this moment.  Let them party.  And let them party as a team.  They worked together; they should get to enjoy it together.

Good for them.  Enjoy your hard-earned gold medal with your teammates.  The fact that they did makes me like them more than if they had done the "appropriate" thing and ate crackers.

The IOC -- no stranger to corruption -- has better things to worry about than some young women enjoying their victory.  This isn't the NFL.  Let them celebrate.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Pantoum: We Need To Talk

I was introduced to the pantoum in McSweeney’s Volume 31.  They describe a pantoum as: “A poem composed in quatrains, in which the second and fourth lines of each stanza reappear (with small alterations) as the first and third lines of the next stanza, and the first and third lines of the first stanza return as the last and second lines, respectively, of the final stanza.  There is no set length, rhyme scheme, or subject matter for a pantoum, and artful manipulation of the repeated lines is encouraged.”

Below is my first pantoum.  Enjoy.

We Need To Talk

“I forgot so it must not be important.”
Still, she had something to tell me.
I went back to playing Assassin’s Creed,
She returned to her magazine.

She still had something to tell me
and watched while I killed a priest.
She returned her magazine to the table
as I ran from the guards.

We watched a corrupt priest die.
She didn’t forget, just didn’t say.
I let down my guard.
She knew it was time to tell.

I can’t forget and I won’t say.
I went back to playing Assassin’s Creed.
If you ever ask me to tell, I’ll say,
“I forget.  It’s not important.”

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Pros and Cons of Hosting the Olympics

1) Everyone falls in love with your country.
2) You get to trot out your native celebrities.
3) You get a bunch of shiny new venues.

1) Because your budget isn’t $300 million, your Opening Ceremony is going to be boring.
2) “Owning the podium” will never work out quite like you hoped.
3) You have to deal with large group of ice dancers.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Thoughts On Tiger

1) Tiger doesn't have to do any of this.  He doesn't have to have a press conference, he doesn't have to explain himself and he doesn't have to apologize to anyone other than the people he's hurt.  He can deal with his personal issues on his own and go back to beating everyone at golf.

2) Answering questions at a press conference is much, much different than reading a prepared statement in front of a group of people.  It's much easier to appear sincere when you are answering questions off the top of your head.  Reading a prepared statement and making it seem sincere is something only the best actors can do.

3) I think we have to give Tiger the benefit of the doubt.  We can't expect Tiger's reputation to suddenly be repaired after one press conference.  For now, we have to take him at his word.  We won't know if he's actually sincere until we've seen him change his behavior over several years.

4) I understand why Tiger didn't answer any questions.  He's in therapy right now.  He's working through his past behavior and trying to move forward.  He knows that all of the questions are going to be focused on the past.  The questions will always be there and there is no need to answer them because there is no benefit to answering those questions.

5) Why do we want answers to the questions about Tiger's sex life?  What do we get from that?  Some perverse pleasure in knowing that Tiger can screw up too?  How can his answers ever be satisfying?  We know that he messed around.  He's admitted that.  Details don't add anything to the story.  I hope he never answers those questions.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Here's the Thing...

…Shaun White is so much better than everyone else in his sport that it’s embarrassing.

…paisley, if worn at all, should be confined to one article of clothing.  That one article of clothing should not be your pants.

…if you edit cookbooks do you have to try every recipe to make sure it’s right?

…it’s a lot harder to take men’s figure skating seriously when dudes are wearing pink tassels.

…I’m just going to go ahead and assume that “trans fats” means “delicious particles.” 

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Anniversary the Sequel

Today is my second wedding anniversary.  For your second wedding anniversary you are traditionally supposed to give your spouse cotton so I got my wife a box of tampons.  What can I say?  I'm a traditionalist.

I'm sure she'll love them.

Don't worry, I'm taking her out to dinner, too.  We'll be returning to the restaurant where we had our first date, Feast.  In fact, we had our first date five years ago today.  I remember that date very well.
I lived only a few blocks away so I arrived before her.  I sat in the waiting area at the front of the restaurant.  She pulled up in what could only be described as a "grandma car."  It was her friend Jenny's car and it was some sort of large American four door.  It might have been a Crown Victoria.  It was the color of an old computer monitor that had been sitting in the sun.  It was a good strategy on her part because of the striking contrast between her and the car.

She looked cute in her argyle sweater and jeans and I can only imagine I looked adorable in whatever it was I was wearing.  I don't remember what we started talking about but I know that we just started talking.  It was effortless and fun.  We laughed.  Suddenly, we were the only people in the restaurant.  I don't mean to be cheesy; I mean that we were literally the last two people in the restaurant.  We didn't even realize that the staff was waiting for us to leave so they could close the place down.

We eventually left and shared our first kiss on the corner outside the restaurant where I would propose to her two years later.

Since that day we've kept laughing and annoying restaurant staff.  I love her more than ever and I'm lucky to have her as my wife.

I love you, Deanna.  Happy Anniversary.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Winter Olympics

As I mentioned during the Beijing Olympics, I’m not a big Olympics guy.  Something is different this year, though.  I’m into it.  Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age.  Maybe the winter events are more interesting to me.  Maybe chanting U-S-A doesn’t feel as evil now that Bush is no longer President.  Whatever it is, I’m excited about the Olympics for once.  Mostly.

Unfortunately, the Winter Games includes figure skating and ice dancing.  Wake me up when they figure out how to incorporate guns or nudity.  Even without guns or nudity, figure skating and ice dancing are two of the most popular events.    I don’t get it.  I want to see mostly unprotected men and women flying down icy tracks at unbelievable speeds.  I want to see people ski for miles and then try to hit impossibly small targets with rifles.  I want to see people strap two-by-fours to their feet and fly 100 meters through the air.  I want big dudes smacking a tiny little puck around.  Give me speed and danger not dancing and sparkles.

Some other random thoughts about the Winter Olympics so far:
Did everyone forget that the Opening Ceremony was always boring before Beijing?
How do the lugers keep those Cobra Commander visors from fogging up?
Why are there tiny little pine trees all over the ski jump?
Bobsled would be more fun if they widened the track and let them go down two at a time.
Just like NASCAR, people watch short track speed skating for the crashes.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Valentine's Day Throwback

Since Valentine’s Day is two days away from my wedding anniversary and it seems completely redundant to me, I dug through the archives of the original and found an old post that is relevant.  The following was originally posted on February 14, 2001.  It appears as it did then with some very minor changes.  Enjoy.

It's almost Valentine's Day and you're probably doing one of two things: 1) Enjoying the gifts and Sweet Things your Special Someone has done for you, or 2) hating yourself. I think most people share my love/hate relationship with this holiday; you love it when you're a sucker for somebody and hate it when you're just a sucker. I know which one I am. Which are you?

Just in case you happen to be lucky enough to have a Special Someone on which to shower gifts down upon, here are a few last minute gift ideas for you procrastinators.

First, I would like to mention to the fellas that if you haven't sent the obligatory flowers then none of these ideas are gonna make up for it. At the very least you have to send flowers. Are you some kind of idiot?

Gift Idea #1: One of your favorite CDs
This will show her that you want to share a part of yourself with her and allow the two of you to spend time together enjoying good music. Plus, you'll have something cool to listen to when you're over at her place instead of that stupid whiny shit that makes up her entire collection.

Gift Idea #2: A pair of thick, warm socks
There's nothing women like better than to curl up and keep warm on those chilly winter nights and a nice thick pair of socks will only help. Plus, you won't have to actually touch her stanky ass feet when she asks for a foot rub.

Gift Idea #3: Nads Brand Hair Removal Gel
This is a gift for the more adventurous folks out there. The two of you can enjoy this gift together. For those of you who don't know, Nads is a "completely natural hair removal product that looks like green toffee and can be used anywhere on the body." So, as you can see this has endless romantic possibilities. I suggest that you set the mood with candles and some romantic music and then when you and your lady friend start to "get freaky", seductively whip out your Nads and do your thing - be creative. Now, she might be a little hesitant at first, but once you start rubbing your Nads all over her body, I guarantee you she'll be into it.

Good luck, fellas...

Remember Nads?  Man, Nads used to be hilarious.  Happy Valentine’s Day from 2010, everyone.
(In these throwback posts, italics means 2010.)

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

What To Do While Going Down In Flames

1) Make a ham sandwich.
2) Miss tackles you haven’t missed all year.
3) Get your ankle re-taped about twenty times.
4) Quit on your pass routes.
5) Try to kick ridiculously long field goals with a ridiculously old kicker.
6) Drop key third down passes.
7) Get out-coached.
8) Decide to play without outside linebackers, apparently.
9) Do your best Brett Favre imitation by throwing a late game pick-six.
10) Let Drew Brees eat the ham sandwich while standing in the pocket surveying the defense.

Monday, February 08, 2010


It’s like a punch in the gut. 

The Saints played a hell of a game and the Colts were about as sloppy as they have been since week one.  I’m pretty sure we can blame this on the Colts pulling their starters back in Week 16.  Also, destiny.  Wait, destiny isn't real so we can’t blame it on destiny.
I’ll stop because I just can’t sit here and try to think of jokes anymore.

Congrats to the Saints.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

The Pros and Cons of Having a Severe Ankle Injury During Super Bowl Week

1) You’ve laid the groundwork for a great “heroic performance” storyline.
2) Someone will drive you around in a golf cart all week.
3) You get to steal the spotlight from Peyton Manning for once.

1) The last thing Drew Brees needs is more time in the pocket.
2) You’ve made Jeff think that he jinxed you by getting your jersey (Dwight Freeney) for Christmas.
3) It really freakin’ hurts.

Monday, February 01, 2010

The Super Bowl

Note: It's Super Bowl week.  My posts this week will be focused on the Super Bowl and the Colts.  If you don't like football, you may want to skip this week.

The Super Bowl is weird.  It’s a big day in America.  Most people have or attend some sort of party and everyone sits around and watches a game they don’t have a rooting interest in.  Typically, everyone pays close attention to the commercials and eats their weight in dip.  It doesn’t really make any sense that it has become a de facto American holiday, but it doesn’t make any sense that millions of people have animals living in their homes, either.  I guess it’s just a good excuse for people to get together and celebrate something American.  The Super Bowl I mean, not pets.

Then, one day, your team makes the Super Bowl and everything you know about Super Bowl Sunday changes.

You can’t just go to the first party you’re invited to.  You realize that you can’t be the one guy at the party who actually gives a damn about the game.  When you freak out over every little thing your friends will whisper to others, “Oh, he’s a Colts fan” like you have some kind of disease.  Because you do.  For four hours, you’re clinically insane and like any insane person you have the ability to ruin the party at any second.  No one wants to be that guy.

Instead, you need to find an asylum.

You have to find a party with a bunch of other Colts fans.  That way, you can all freak out together.  You can share your insanity with all the other crazies.  In a room full of nuts, the sane guy is the odd man out.  In my case, it means that I have to drive to Indianapolis.  My brother’s house will be the asylum.  Sure, there will be dip and people will still watch the commercials, but we’ll be there for the game.  We’ll be dressed in our blue and white asylum uniforms.