Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 2

As I sat down with my wife to take in the week’s worst hour of television, I suddenly realized that it was actually the week’s two worst hours of television.  Then they announce that they didn’t vote anyone off last week.  I have to watch every single one of these idiots again — even the bedazzled UPS guy.  This is going to be harder than I thought.

Now that the show is underway and the celebrities are getting to know their partners there will be all sorts of hot rumors floating around.  This week’s hot rumor: Co-host Brooke Burke is actually a robot.

Shannen Doherty
Enough with the sob stories, sister.  We know that everything is so hard for you.  I’m going to have to issue a warning about this thing with your ailing dad.  Yes, it’s a sad touching story that hits close to home for me but if you overplay it I will turn on you like a cornered badger.  Not that I was ever on your side.  It doesn’t help that you dance like you’ve never worn heels in your life.  I don’t know what the jive is but I’m pretty sure that what you did wasn’t it.

Also, in your interview you said that you “trust your partner explicitly.”  Is that even possible?  If so, gross.

My score: A new dictionary.

Aiden Turner
I know I said that I would no longer include you in these reviews, but I thought of some jokes.
The music they played during the lead-in when you were arguing with your pro was way more dramatic than the argument ever was.  You’d think someone died.  I like that you didn’t have a small dog bedazzled on your outfit but I’m pretty sure that you are supposed to dance a some point during the routine.

My score: What is going on?

Evan LysacekOh sweet God, the music.  The music on this show has reached epic levels of terrible.  It’s like they are doing bad covers of bad cover songs.  As for the dancing, my wife says it best, “He reminds me of you when you pretend to be gay when you are dancing.”

My score: Good Olympians only come out once every four years.

Niecy Nash
It’s never good when your highlight always comes during the lead-in when you make jokes about eating and white guys.  A note for next week: It’s okay to be offended when a judge calls you a strawberry milkshake.  You’ll still be the only one I like.

My score: I like milkshakes.

Jake Pavelka
Who thought a Huey Lewis song could be more cheesy than it already was?  This band is killing me and all the music it covers.  Your pro needs to make sure you never dance alone ever again unless you are doing a parody of a wedding dance.  Is there a cord on your back that someone pulls so that you always say the sappiest thing possible?

My score: Puke in my mouth.

Buzz Aldrin
When you went to the moon did you bring back your wife?  Her face looks alien.  Buzz, you danced to “Fly Me To the Moon.”  C’mon.  Is this show even serious?  I can’t believe that someone approves these decisions with a straight face.  Who would have guessed that your interview would be laced with more sexual innuendo than Pamela Anderson’s?  Well done, old man.

My score: Three Viagra.

Nicole Scherzinger
I couldn’t be happier to see that you took my notes from last week and wore a much skimpier outfit.  I don’t really care if it was great or not.  I’ll watch you read a book in that outfit.

My score: Mostly drool.

Erin Andrews
This is where everything starts to fall apart.  You look great but that was boring as hell.  The judges loved it and that is the problem with this show.  When someone is actually good, it’s boring.  Oh man, I hate this show.  Whoa, I just noticed that you pro spells his name “Maks” instead of “Max.”  There’s not even a joke for that.

My score: Gun in my mouth.

Pamela Anderson
You do realize that you don’t have to play the character for the entire show, right?  You aren’t actually Marilyn Monroe.  Yet, you were Marilyn Monroe in a very Single White Female way.  I’m totally creeped out right now.

My score: Stop doing that.

Chad Ochocinco
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you looked like a football player dancing out there.  However, I’m pretty sure football players aren’t on the verge of tears after a loss.

My score: Twelve years old.

Kate GosselinIf every man you are with walks out on you, it’s probably not the men.  It’s you.  Don’t act surprised.  America, do the right thing and send this lady back home to her kids.

My score: Enough.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A Thank You To My New Shredder

Dear My New Shredder,
Thank God you’re finally here.  Your predecessor stopped working several weeks ago and my important documents have gone unshredded ever since.  I’ve felt vulnerable.  I’ve felt exposed.  What if someone were to break into my place and grab that pile of documents?  I would be working on reclaiming my identity, that’s what.  Thankfully that didn’t happen but it’s been a scary and uncertain time.

Now you’re here, New Shredder, and life is good.  I feel secure again.  I fed you my important documents and you chewed them into tiny bits with reckless abandon, just like a good shredder should.  You even did it more quietly than the old one and my dog thanks you for that.  Ruthie would wake up from her naps and bark at Old Shredder.  She didn’t even flinch while you did your job, New Shredder.  And your basket.  Your wonderful basket.  It pulls out like a drawer and makes for easy disposal of my little important bits.  Old Shredder made me lift up the heavy shredding device and find a place for it while I emptied its bucket.  Not you.  You not only make my life more secure, you make my life easier.

Welcome to the family, New Shredder.  Thank you for keeping us safe.

Love,
Jeff Ford

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Top 5 Lists

Hey everybody!  Welcome to my 500th post!  Like the new look?  This is the only post in which I’ll allow myself to use exclamation marks!  Except for maybe my thousandth post.  However, I expect my thousandth post to be much more subdued.  I’ll be old and tired by then.  Anyway, do you remember way back when I posted about Top 5 lists?  You know, way back on Monday?  I promised you a link to the Top 5 lists that my wife and I made.  Well, here they are.

My Wife’s Top 5 List:
1) Matt Damon
2) Justin Timberlake
3) David Beckham
4) Ryan Reynolds
5) Channing Tatum

My Top 5 List:
1) The babysitter.
2) Our next door neighbor.
3) Any of our son’s or daughter’s friends.
4) My secretary.
5) Angelina Jolie.
 

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Premiere

My wife insists on watching Dancing With the Stars.  I can’t talk her out of it so I figured I’d stop bitching about it to her and begin posting reviews of the show for all of you.  That’s if I can tolerate it for more than a week or two.  In the meantime, my regular Tuesday posts will be on hiatus.
 
Chad OchocincoRemember how everyone expects you to be crazy and over the top because of your act on the field?  You’ve been exposed.  You’re just a regular guy who happens to spend every Sunday around a bunch of boring meatheads that pay attention to rules.  What happened to your gold teeth?

My score: Ochenta y cinco.

Shannen Doherty
How did she get on this show?  Is there any doubt she’s going to be the first person voted off?  No one likes her.  She’s known everywhere as a bitch, she’s awkward and has stage fright.  Sounds like a losing combination.  Also, you spell both of your names wrong.

My score: Your boobs are bigger than I remember.

Erin Andrews
She’s hot stuff and she can dance.  She better stick around or these reviews won’t last very long.  Am I still allowed to talk about how sexy she is after the stalker thing?

My score: Yes.

Jake Pavelka
Could this guy be any cheesier?  Seriously.  “Proposing to Vienna was the honor of my life.”  Really?  Even if that is true don’t say it.  Especially after all the cheesy shit you spouted out on The Bachelor.  Also, enough with the rose bits.  You don’t have to give your dance pro a rose and you don’t have to dance to Seal’s Kiss From A Rose.  We get it ABC, he was on another one of your shitty TV shows that makes women cream their panties.

My score: You do not get the final rose.

Niecy Nash
What?  You’re awesome.  Too bad no one knows who you are and the people that do aren’t watching this show.  Glad we got to hear that you love your curves.

My score: Reno 911.

Evan Lysaceck
Congratulations, Evan.  You found the one thing gayer than Figure Skating.  You’re going to be just fine.  You dance on ice and everyone loves you because you just won a gold medal.  See you in the finals.

My score: Ringer.

Buzz Aldrin
What the hell are you doing?  You walked on the moon.  What are you doing on the stage with this bunch of idiots?  YOU WALKED ON THE MOON.  You are a living legend.  After all of these other idiots are dead, people will still remember you.  They will talk about your missions forever.  The rest of these jerks will be forgotten.  Stop it, Buzz.  Stop.

My score: You’re ruining history.

Nicole Scherzinger
Hot.  Hot.  Super hot.  Next time we need a skimpier outfit.  Stop pretending that the dancing you did before didn’t help you here.  That’s complete BS.

My score: You’ve joined my Top 5.

Aiden Turner
Who the hell are you?  DWTS is really reaching deep here.  I don’t think you qualify as a star.  I will no longer include you in these reviews.  Also, why did they dress you like a UPS guy with a bedazzled miniature pinscher on your back?

My score: Why did this happen on TV?

Kate GosselinListen, Kate Gosselin, people have to like you to vote for you.  You’re not doing yourself any favors by being yourself.  My suggestion is to try to be someone else.  Someone likable.  I want to shoot DWTS for making you dance to She’s Always a Woman.  It’s a song about a dude making excuses for the bitch that he loves.  I’m insulted.

My score: Who’s babysitting?

Pamela Anderson
Thank god they haven’t tried to class you up for the show.  I’m disappointed they didn’t let you mention your most famous film — the sex tape with Tommy Lee.  Your biggest problem is going to be the fact that your fan base doesn’t overlap with the audience of DWTS.

My score: Don’t confuse slutty with sexy.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Fame and Your Top 5

Everyone has their “Top 5” list of people that they can sleep with without repercussion from their spouse or significant other.  Dee and I have our lists and you can see them over on Schadenfreude (link to be provided when published).  Of course, it’s all hypothetical since most people won’t ever have the chance to sleep — or even meet — the people on their list.

What happens when you get famous?

Suddenly, you start meeting those people that were on your list.  “Oh, hello Heidi Klum.  You’re number two on my list.”  Then she gets all creeped out and Seal gets pissed and threatens you with his magic face and you have to get your new tail amputated. 

Do the lists just go out the window?  Having sex with those people is much more realistic.  Does your list have to change based on the level of your celebrity?  If I have Olivia Munn on my list and then attain the same level of fame as her, do I have to drop her off?  Or do I become less interested in those people because their celebrity doesn’t have the same draw and I’ve already got a ton of hot women knocking at my door?

Also, isn’t it more likely that Seal would use his magic face to give you whiskers instead of a tail?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Bowling Balls

I love bowling.  It’s fun and easy and drinking doesn’t necessarily hurt your score.  It’s practically the perfect sport.  Except for all the germs.  I’m not talking about the shoes.  They have marginally effective sprays and people wear socks.  That’s good enough for me.  I wear thick socks.  No, I’m talking about the balls.  Not my balls.  The balls they keep in the bowling alley.  Those things are nasty.

Think about it.

They’re available for anyone to use and people just jam their grubby fingers in those holes without thought.  You’ve seen how few people wash their hands after going to the bathroom.  Especially at the bowling alley.  No one ever sticks their fingers in just one ball, either.  People try out about ten balls before they find the one they are going to use.  That’s a lot of dirty fingers in and out of those balls. (I’ll refrain from making a “your mom” joke here.)  You don’t even think about it, do you?  You jam your fingers in there just like anyone else.  Next time you’re at the bowling alley look around.  Do you want to be putting your hands where all of those other people have put their hands?

Of course you do.  Bowling is awesome.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Pros and Cons of the Bad Economy

Pros:
1) You can stop complaining about that crappy job you don’t have anymore.
2) You’ve remembered how warm the Public Library can be.
3) Taco Bell gives you all the coupons you want now that you’re an employee.

Cons:

1) Those rich douchebags won’t stop complaining about the stock market.
2) The Public Library closes at night.
3) You can’t afford to take your date anywhere but Taco Bell.

Monday, March 15, 2010

NCAA Tournament Bracket Tips

Last night the Men’s NCAA Tournament Brackets were announced.  As you may know, I am one of the world’s leading experts in… well… nothing.  And yet I still offer you my tips for filling out a bracket that will win you all the money in your office pool.

My can’t lose NCAA Tournament Bracket Picks:
  • The sites in the Midwest bracket are prone to bad weather and high winds.  Take this in to consideration when making your picks.
  • UTEP stands for University of The Endless Pancake.  Their players tend to be slow and overweight.
  • Tennessee doesn’t actually exist.
  • The National Champion always has blue in their uniforms.  Make sure you know every team’s colors.
  • If you can’t decide between the 8 or 9 seed, go back to bed and wake up when you’re capable of making a freaking decision.
  • Rebounds are crucial for a winning team.  Be sure to check TMZ to find out which players recently got dumped.
  • When in doubt go with the Tigers.
  • Basketball smarts is a key component to a good team.  Check the teams’ GPAs.  Pick whichever team is above 1.0.
  • Buy low, sell high.
  • Set your hot tub time machine to April 5, 2010, get a completed bracket and bring it back to now.  We’ll wait.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday Fun

Use Your Brain, Not Just Your Computer
At 9:04 PM on March 10th I posted the following to Twitter:
“Does anyone else think Ben Harper’s “Steal My Kisses” feels kinda stalker rape-y?”
Yep.  Classy stuff.

At 9:46 PM @bigbulge230 posted the following:
“#Steelerssuck @jdford Does anyone think Ben Harper’s “Seal My Kisses” feels kinda…”
Clearly, Mr. bigbulge230 is running on autopilot.  His avatar is a Pittsburgh Steelers logo with a big red line through it.  He’s set up a search on Twitter to repost anything that has to do with “Ben” and “rape.”  Why would he do such a thing?  Because he hates the Steelers and their quarterback, who is named Ben, is accused of sexual assault.  My random tweet about some rockstar’s creepy song happened to fit that criteria and ruined his perfect string of Steeler hating tweets.

Somehow this makes me a genius.


Godzilla Has Feelings Too

Check out these awesome Godzilla Haikus

NSFW Video That I Love

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Recipe for a Matt Damon Movie

Ingredients:
1 Secret Government organization with nefarious agenda
1 Rogue agent
4 or more large explosions
2-3 hand-to-hand combat scenes
1 "People are dying and I want to know why."
1 "As long as he's out there, he's a threat."
1 Exposure of nefarious agenda
1 Narrow getaway

Mix rogue agent with secret Government organization.  Once rogue agent discovers the nefarious agenda, insert rogue operative saying, "People are dying and I want to know why."  Begin mixing in explosions and hand-to-hand combat scenes.  Save one large explosion for the end.  Between explosions and hand-to-hand combat, insert Government operative saying, "As long as he's out there, he's a threat."  Add final large explosion followed closely by the exposure of the nefarious agenda.  Construct narrow getaway and serve.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

A New Gig

Readers of Mindsilt,
First, thank you for reading.  Second, you’ve got something caught in your teeth.  Third, I have an announcement.  I’ve recently been added to the crew of writers for Schadenfreude.net.  You can see my first post here.  In fact, you’ll see that post show up here on Thursday.  The kids over at Schadenfreude are cool like that.

What does this mean?  Don’t worry, I’ll still be posting here on my regular schedule but I’ll also be posting for Schadenfreude.  Most likely you’ll see the stuff I post here also show up on Schadenfreude.  The time and creative power required to come up with different stuff for each site is too much for me not to cross over.  However, I highly recommend you add Schadenfreude.net to your “to read” list.  They’ve got some funny mo’ fo’s over there.

I hope I can live up to the title “funny mo’ fo’” that I’ve just bestowed upon myself.

Love,
Writer of Mindsilt

Here's the Thing...

…if you’re not going to let someone on the plane with a one inch pocket knife, you shouldn’t let someone on the plane with eight inch knitting needles.

…if you’re going to wear an ill-fitting bathing suit at the very least you need to make sure you are well groomed.

…people don’t stand around in long lines for no reason.  You are not special.  Get in line.

…based on peoples’ inability to follow instructions, I’m amazed any plane ever gets off the ground.

…Not only are the Oscars boring, they are completely pointless.  Who cares?  Does it change how much you liked the movie?

Monday, March 08, 2010

Impressions of the Dominican Republic

Dee and I just returned from our vacation in the Dominican Republic.  It was our first time to the Dominican and we didn’t know what to expect.  Luckily for you, I used my keen eye to make some astute observations:
  • I thought there would be more baseball fields.
  • When asked how you are doing, they will accept nothing less than “excelente.”  “Good” or “bueno” will not be tolerated.
  • In the native language of the Dominican “Strawberries, cream” is actually strawberry jello in a tiny plastic cup.
  • I’m no expert, but the native language of the Dominican sounds an awful lot like Spanish.
  • I may have been looking in the wrong places, but I didn’t see anyone selling steroids.
  • Americans are fat, but so are people from other countries.
  • Dee and I were mistaken for Canadians several times.  I believe that is the Dominicans’ way of complimenting people.
  • Punta Cana is mostly windy and rainy with a nearly zero chance of sun.
  • The roads in the Dominican are as good as the roads in Chicago, which is to say: bad.
  • Everything is moist.  If it is not moist, give it a second and will be moist.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

What To Do While Pretending to Pay Attention

1) Nod and smile.
2) Discover that spot on your pants you hadn’t noticed before.
3) Think about how you will probably need a haircut soon.
4) Do the head-nod, doze-off thing.
5) Turn on speakerphone and surf the Internet.
6) Sketch out ideas for your comic strip that doesn’t exist yet.
7) Pretend to take notes by writing “Only two days until vacation” on your notepad.
8) Count your teeth.
9) Devise new ways to lace your shoes.
10) Wonder what that spot on your pants tastes like.

Monday, March 01, 2010

You Scared the Crap Out of Me, Canada, and I Loved It

The Olympics are over and Canada and the Olympic athletes put on a good show.  Unlike the Summer Games in Beijing, I actually enjoyed these Winter Olympics.  I think I finally figured out why I enjoy the Winter Olympics so much better.  It’s because the events are INSANE.

Skeleton?
Oh, sweet god, no.


The Ski Jump?

I'd scream, too.

Snowboarding?

He's doing that on purpose.

Freestyle Aerials?
Dude, you're not a helicopter.

The Summer Olympics just can’t match the Winter Olympics for jaw-dropping feats of athleticism in the face of extreme danger.  Winter Olympics, you get the gold medal.  Summer Olympics, stop doing things like race-walking.