As I sat down with my wife to take in the week’s worst hour of television, I suddenly realized that it was actually the week’s two worst hours of television. Then they announce that they didn’t vote anyone off last week. I have to watch every single one of these idiots again — even the bedazzled UPS guy. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Now that the show is underway and the celebrities are getting to know their partners there will be all sorts of hot rumors floating around. This week’s hot rumor: Co-host Brooke Burke is actually a robot.
Enough with the sob stories, sister. We know that everything is so hard for you. I’m going to have to issue a warning about this thing with your ailing dad. Yes, it’s a sad touching story that hits close to home for me but if you overplay it I will turn on you like a cornered badger. Not that I was ever on your side. It doesn’t help that you dance like you’ve never worn heels in your life. I don’t know what the jive is but I’m pretty sure that what you did wasn’t it.
Also, in your interview you said that you “trust your partner explicitly.” Is that even possible? If so, gross.
My score: A new dictionary.
I know I said that I would no longer include you in these reviews, but I thought of some jokes.
The music they played during the lead-in when you were arguing with your pro was way more dramatic than the argument ever was. You’d think someone died. I like that you didn’t have a small dog bedazzled on your outfit but I’m pretty sure that you are supposed to dance a some point during the routine.
My score: What is going on?
Evan LysacekOh sweet God, the music. The music on this show has reached epic levels of terrible. It’s like they are doing bad covers of bad cover songs. As for the dancing, my wife says it best, “He reminds me of you when you pretend to be gay when you are dancing.”
My score: Good Olympians only come out once every four years.
It’s never good when your highlight always comes during the lead-in when you make jokes about eating and white guys. A note for next week: It’s okay to be offended when a judge calls you a strawberry milkshake. You’ll still be the only one I like.
My score: I like milkshakes.
Who thought a Huey Lewis song could be more cheesy than it already was? This band is killing me and all the music it covers. Your pro needs to make sure you never dance alone ever again unless you are doing a parody of a wedding dance. Is there a cord on your back that someone pulls so that you always say the sappiest thing possible?
My score: Puke in my mouth.
When you went to the moon did you bring back your wife? Her face looks alien. Buzz, you danced to “Fly Me To the Moon.” C’mon. Is this show even serious? I can’t believe that someone approves these decisions with a straight face. Who would have guessed that your interview would be laced with more sexual innuendo than Pamela Anderson’s? Well done, old man.
My score: Three Viagra.
I couldn’t be happier to see that you took my notes from last week and wore a much skimpier outfit. I don’t really care if it was great or not. I’ll watch you read a book in that outfit.
My score: Mostly drool.
This is where everything starts to fall apart. You look great but that was boring as hell. The judges loved it and that is the problem with this show. When someone is actually good, it’s boring. Oh man, I hate this show. Whoa, I just noticed that you pro spells his name “Maks” instead of “Max.” There’s not even a joke for that.
My score: Gun in my mouth.
You do realize that you don’t have to play the character for the entire show, right? You aren’t actually Marilyn Monroe. Yet, you were Marilyn Monroe in a very Single White Female way. I’m totally creeped out right now.
My score: Stop doing that.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you looked like a football player dancing out there. However, I’m pretty sure football players aren’t on the verge of tears after a loss.
My score: Twelve years old.
Kate GosselinIf every man you are with walks out on you, it’s probably not the men. It’s you. Don’t act surprised. America, do the right thing and send this lady back home to her kids.
My score: Enough.