Friday, April 30, 2010

Un-Rant: Things I Like

As you know, I like to rant.  Especially when it comes to Dancing With the Stars and everything else.  Every once and a while I like to take a break from ranting.  Sure, ranting is fun but ranting can be tiring.  Just like sex.  Today I’d like to take a break from ranting and write about some things that I like.  It may not be as funny as making jokes about Pamela Anderson’s boobs, but what is?

Recently, several of my friends have been focusing on improving their health.  There’s a group of people in pH that are going to be doing a Biggest Loser type fundraiser in the next few months.  Two different couples that I know have been on a health kick for the past year or so and it’s really paying off for them.  My buddy Sean has been working out consistently for a long time and the last time I saw him he was built like a brick wall.  I’ve even got a couple of friends like Brian and Michelle who blog about it. 

That shit is awesome and it inspires me.

These guys work hard and bust their asses to get themselves into shape.  Everyone does it in a different way but they do it in a way that works for them.  It doesn’t matter how they do it, it matters that they are doing it.  It makes me work harder.  It makes me eat better.  When I feel like I want to skip a day, I go read Brian’s blog or I think about Dee’s best friend going on a bike ride and I suck it up and hit the gym.

You guys rock.

Chipotle Tabasco.  Have I mentioned this before?  Chipotle Tabasco is delicious.  I’ve never been big on spicy foods but now that I’m old and my sense of taste is fading, I need something to make me feel alive.  Chipotle Tabasco makes me feel alive.  It tastes good on just about everything — even chocolate cake.

The Chipotle iPhone app.  Yeah, I’m all about Chipotle-type things.  Sue me.  Anyway, this app is totally worth the price of FREE.  It’s real simple, you find the specific Chipotle you want to order from and you order your food.  It then gives you a time to pick it up and you walk straight to the register and get your food.  It doesn’t sound awesome, but when you want a burrito during lunch rush from the Chipotle on Madison you can either wait in line for 15 minutes or you can skip past all those schmucks and get your food right away.

Don’t forget to put Chipotle Tabasco on it before you leave.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 6

I spend a lot of time being disappointed in America.  This is not one of those times.  After my pleading and begging (and warnings) America finally came through and sent Kate Gosselin home.  I thank you, America, but mostly I thank me for telling you what to do.

Someone in the Dancing With the Stars’ Department of Cheese took the night off because there isn’t a theme to this week’s show.  It’s simply Samba and Argentine Tango week.  They are also adding a Swing Dancing Marathon at the end because there aren’t enough dancers to fill a whole 90 minutes.  There aren’t enough synonyms for hate.

This week's hot gossip: Buzz Aldrin is the next Bachelor.

Jake Pavelka
Jake’s partner took him to meet some “Samba dancers” who looked a lot like Vegas showgirls.  We never saw them actually dance, but they shook their butts which were adorned with feathers.  This lead to Jake making a predictable “shake your tail feathers” joke.  Is he the least self-aware person in the world?  Judging by the fact that the routine was so hard that he said, “Gol-LEE” I think there’s no doubt that he is.

Jake Pavelka
On the dance floor, Jake white boy-ed it all over the dance floor.  The Samba has rhythm.  Jake was chasing that rhythm all over the floor.  He never caught it.  Too bad they don’t vote on being the cheesiest douchebag on the planet.  He’d win, no contest.

My score: We’ve had enough, Gomer Pyle.

Evan Lysacek
There’s nothing quite like watching a tiny Russian girl try to get “street” on a male figure skater.  It didn’t feel like the producers egged them on at all.  During rehearsal, Evan smashed his head on the floor and went to the hospital to get checked for a concussion.  It turns out that his doctor was an improviser doing a bad German accent, or it was the most stereotypical German doctor ever.  At the end I expected him to say, “And now I vill take over zee vorld!”

Brave, brave Evan soldiered on and danced his Samba like a gay man who doesn’t know how to be straight.  Between Evan and Jake, it seems that dancing the Samba involves completely losing the beat coupled with Ballet.  His sexy redhead partner couldn’t even save the day now that she’s over-colored her hair.  Did I just write that?  Who’s gay now?

My score: Can we get the doctor as a contestant next year?

Niecy Nash
Each week, Niecy provides the only watchable portion of the show — her lead in.  She’s fun, funny and has great chemistry with her partner.  I’m going to push my luck and ask you, America, to keep her on this show.  Vote for this woman.  If you don’t vote for her, I’ll go back to being disappointed in my country.  Nobody wants that.  Especially you, America.

Niecy was the fist to dance the Argentine Tango.  In Week 4 half the cast danced the regular Tango.  The Argentine Tango eliminates all the head whipping and groin jamming.  We all know the head whipping and groin jamming is the best part.  The Argentine Tango is big on foot whipping and cookie eating.  Her partner scarfed down a cookie at the very end.  I’m as confused as you are.

My score: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me.

Erin Andrews
I liked Erin Andrews better when she was a smart sideline reporter that asked good questions.  The more I see her in the lead-in, the less I think of her.  She’s whiny and makes excuses when things get hard.  Plus, her partner is a really big fan of himself.  Really big.  Marry his love hand, big.

I like Erin Andrews better now that she’s decided to dress in skimpy outfits and writhe and shimmy around the dance floor.  The more I see her in less clothing, the more I think of her.  She’s sexy and I have to make excuses when things get hard.  Plus, her partner is really big with the ladies and the gays.  Love hands across America are getting a workout, big.

My score: Jekyll and Hyde.

Chad Ochocinco
Chad went to Cincinnati to see his fans before rehearsal because he needed some inspiration and we needed to see an overweight football fan give us his opinions on ballroom dancing.

Okay, I’m confused.  In the past weeks, the judges were docking points left and right for doing lifts.  Suddenly, everyone can do lifts.  The rules to this dance show are more confusing than football rules.  They might as well be playing Calvinball out there.  Oooh, I just had a fantastic idea.  Since Chad plays for the Bengals, they need to dress him up like Hobbes and his partner like Calvin.  Remember Calvin and Hobbes?  They were awesome.

My score: ADD is a gift.

Nicole Scherzinger
Man, hot girls are whiny.  Or maybe Nicole is a mad genius.  Maybe she’s playing up the drama during rehearsal so that when she comes out and kills it on the dance floor we’re all impressed.  She’s probably just a whiny hot girl.

Early in the routine there was a closeup on her bare midsection.  Then I blacked out.  When I came to, she was whipping herself around the dance floor and sex was flying everywhere.  Everyone loved it except for the old British judge who we’ll call Statler… no, Waldorf.  I feel light-headed; I need a cookie.

My score: Vintage whine.

Pamela Anderson
Pamela landed in the bottom two last week which proves that America doesn’t love sluts the way they used to.  Remember the days when America loved sluts?  No?  Was that just me?  Anyway, she was determined not to end up in the bottom two again.  Ho-hum.

Pamela Anderson is perfectly sexy.  She’s so sexy that it’s not even arousing.  Her natural state is sexy so when she tries to act sexy it just seems like more Pamela.  It’s strange and it makes me wish I was Chuck Klosterman so that I could properly explain it.

My score: I’m failing you terribly.

The Swing Dance Marathon
The Swing Dance Marathon involves all couples dancing Swing on the floor at the same time.  Everyone is allowed to do lifts and throws and the judges eliminate the couples one by one until there is only one couple standing.  The last couple standing gets 10 points, the next to last gets 9 points and so on.  The points don’t really count for anything but they insist on giving them anyway.

Packing a dance floor full of swing dancing amateurs may seem like a good idea when you are at a high school lock-in but it doesn’t work on TV.  It was like watching a NASCAR race; I was hoping for a crash.  Unfortunately, I was disappointed.  All of the dancers made it through without major physical injury.  The dancers were eliminated in the following order:

1) Jake Pavelka — See?  I’m not the only one who can’t stand this guy for more than a few seconds.
2) Niecy — Too much jiggle for the swing.
3) Evan — He’s not the kind of figure skater that lifts other figure skaters.
4) Chad — He’s used to catching, not throwing.
5) Pamela — This is not the type of swinging she’s used to.
6) Erin — Good showing, but not good enough.  At least we didn’t have to hear her whine.
7) Nicole — Winner!  What do you expect?  She’s the ringer.

My score: Just end the damn show.  We don’t need this crappy filler.

Monday, April 26, 2010

250 Words

In mid-March I joined a site called  The goal of the site is to write 750 words every day.  It doesn’t matter what you write, just that you get to 750 words.  The idea is that getting in the habit of writing every day will help improve your writing.  I’m currently on a 43 day streak and it’s been a great way for me to generate ideas.  In fact, it gave me this very idea I’m writing about.

A reasonable approximation of typing.
I’d like to try an experiment where I write 250 words and post them every Monday through May.  If we like it, I’ll keep going.  If we don’t like it, I’ll completely overreact and call your mother a whore.  These 250 words will be different from the 750 I do in the morning for but they will be written in the same stream-of-consciousness-riff-off-the-top-of-my-head style.  No editing.  The only difference is that I can go over 750 words at, but here I will stop at 250 words even if it’s in the middle of a sentence.  Get ready.  The first 250 words start now.

I have a problem with my condo.  The whole thing shares the same air.  The air that’s in the kitchen is the air that’s in the living room is the air that’s in the bedroom is the air that’s in the office.  Usually that’s not much of a problem as I’m not too picky about the air I breathe but it becomes an issue when I make something for dinner that has a distinct smell.  Today I made some spicy chicken breasts on the George Foreman grill.  Now all the air in my condo smells like spicy chicken breasts.  That may sound tantalizing — and it did when I was cooking and eating them — but now that the smell has lingered for a while, I’m quite done smelling spicy chicken breasts.  That’s not even my biggest concern.  My biggest concern is that the air that’s in the bedroom is also the air that’s in my closet.  My clothes are in my closet and I’m worried that all of my clothes are going to smell like spicy chicken breasts.  I don’t want people at work to be all, “Hey, there goes spicy chicken breast guy.”  I share a medium sized office with another dude who will totally smell my spicy chicken breast shirt.  Not cool.  I need to figure out a better way to ventilate this place.  I even had our back door open the whole time I was cooking.  No luck.  Someone needs to make Febreze for air.  Wait, someone does

Friday, April 23, 2010

My 2010 NFL Draft Report Card

As you know, last night was the first round of the NFL Draft.  Since I’m well known as a Super-Duper Draft Expert (seriously, it's on my business card) I thought I'd share with you my grades for the first round of this year's draft.

I give you my report card for the first round of the 2010 NFL Draft.

  • To the NFL for encouraging a bunch of egotistical spoiled brats by giving them millions of dollars and a sense of entitlement.
  • To Tim Tebow for bringing a little God to the draft.  We don’t hear enough about God in America right now.

  • To Roger Goodell for correctly pronouncing Ndamukong Suh — this years #2 draft pick.
  • To Ndamukong Suh for having a name that means “House of Spears.”

Meaty, meaty man love.
  • To the official NFL Draft hat.  It’s the first hat in several years that doesn’t make the players look like clowns.
  • To Roger Goodell and Derrick Morgan for sharing their love with the world.

  • To the NFL for handing out jerseys with the number 1 on them to every player even though we all know they’ll never wear that number.
  • To the term “character issues” because it means nothing if the guy is a superstar.

  • To the ridiculous number of pinstriped suits.  You’re football players, not mob bosses.
  • To Ndamukong Suh’s parents for not making it more clear that their son is a house of spears.

  • To Chris Berman for not sweating more.
  • To the NFL for scheduling this on a Thursday night during two new hilarious episodes of 30 Rock requiring me to do actual research since I didn’t watch a second of the draft.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Listen Up, Concertgoers.

Fellow concertgoers, I need you to stop doing the following things immediately.
Stop doing that
  • Standing so close to me that I can taste your breath.
  • Attempting to have a conversation with the performers between songs.
  • Giving me the evil eye when we are all asked to sing by the performer and I actually sing.
  • Asking me the name of every single song.
  • Wearing those pants like that.
  • Using Shazam to figure out the name to every song now that I’m ignoring you.
  • Talking.
  • Offering to massage my thigh even if it is totally cramping for standing for so long.
  • Shouting the name of your favorite song even after it’s already been played.
  • Making me regret that I like this band because I have to hang out with you for two hours.
Thank you and happy Earth Day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 5

This week’s gimmick is “Movie Night.”  All of our “stars” will be dancing to “the music of the movies.”  I don’t know if I have enough quotation marks for this show.  Is there a way to put quotation marks in quotation marks?  Is there a way to jam quotation marks through my eyes?

Remember that guy that no one knew in the first place?  Me neither.  He’s gone and now the show is only 90 minutes.  Only 90 painful minutes.

This week’s hot gossip: People Magazine has revealed that all of these stars are illiterate.

Niecy Nash
Niecy’s lead-in is always the only watchable part of this show.  She’s funny and charming and she actually likes her partner. 

Niecy's costume.
Niecy was assigned the Jive this week.  Based on the way she was dressed, I’m guessing that Jive is Moroccan for “banana on fire.”  Her movie song was “La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens and Niecy went down in flames just like him.

My score: Isn’t “banana on fire” some kind of dessert?

Chad Ochocinco
There was some serious sexual tension between Chad and his partner during this week’s rehearsal.  She’s clearly trying to play it off like there isn’t something going on between the two of them.  We know better, Reader, thanks to our Pop Culture consultant.

Chad was assigned the Quickstep and the song “Bare Necessities” from The Jungle Book.  Though he was wearing tiger stripes.  You know, because he plays for the Bengals and tigers and bears are practically the same thing.  This was the cheesiest thing I’d ever seen.

My score: Little did I know.

Erin Andrews
No injury this week.  Instead, we just saw Erin and her partner scream at each other the whole time.  If I wanted to see people be mean to each other I’d watch Kate Gosselin’s show.  Did we really need to see these two fight over a shoe?  Can we go back to seeing her injured midsection?

We didn’t get to see any skin revealing injuries, but they dressed her like Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction so I’m not complaining.  I am complaining, but not about this specific issue.

My score: Sharpening my quotation marks.

Jake Pavelka
I don’t even have words for this.  I now honestly believe that what I’m doing serves a greater purpose than just trying to make you laugh.  I must be the voice of reason because this show is out of control. 

They assigned Jake to dance to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” because “he looks like Tom Cruise.”  Then he comes to rehearsal carrying a volleyball wearing only jeans and sunglasses.  You know, standard DWTS cheese.  Then.  THEN.  Jake comes out on stage wearing a white button down, white socks and underpants.  You know, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.  Is anyone on this show even paying attention? 

I can’t believe this happened.  How could anyone do this with a straight face?  Did no one ask if all of this was maybe a little too much?  I knew this show was cheesy, but I didn’t know it had completely lost its filter.  Consider me your filter.

My score: I’ve found a new mission in life.

Pamela Anderson
Normally, Pamela Anderson dancing to a Dolly Parton song (“9 to 5”) would be the cheesiest moment on the show.  Unfortunately, Jake Pavelka happened.  He let all the air out of my balloons.  Wait.  Did I just make a boob joke?  I think I did.  Welcome back, me.

I can’t believe they didn’t find a way to get Dolly Parton to show up during Pamela’s rehearsal.  Maybe they were worried that putting the two in the same room would achieve boobie critical mass and there would be a huge boob-splosion.  

My score: Boobs to the rescue.

Kate Gosselin
How does Kate get dressed in the morning?  How does she choose a meal?  She doesn’t like anything.  If I married her, I’d leave her and become a raging douchebag, too.  I can taste the misery.

And then she started to dance.

America, I’m asking you nicely.  Get rid of this woman.  Do NOT be manipulated by her.  She knows that the only way she’ll stick around it by playing the “I have to keep dancing for my kids” card.  Don’t fall for it.  I won’t be so kind next week.

My score: Consider this your warning shot, America.

Nicole Scherzinger
In the biggest surprise of the season, the producers decided that Nicole should dance to the song “Pretty Woman.”  You know, because she’s a pretty woman.  You see how they didn’t hit you over the head with it?  They trusted you to make the connection on your own.

The judges declared Nicole’s dance the best dance this season.  That’s the problem.  When these people actually do it right, it’s boring.  Even her super hotness couldn’t keep me interested. 

The Mind Eraser
My score: I used to think hotness was always interesting.

Evan Lysacek
As the resident Pop Culture consultant will tell you, I have a thing for redheads.  Evan’s partner is a redhead.  Evan was assigned the Rhumba this week and she introduced it by doing a sexy walk.  I don’t remember much after that.  It was a memory erasing sexy walk.

When she came out to dance she was wearing practically nothing.  Suddenly, hotness was interesting again.  I’m not even sure Evan was on stage with her.

My score: This still doesn’t make up for Jake.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Help Me Help Pancreatic Cancer

Two years ago, my father passed away after his bout with pancreatic cancer.  This year, Dee and I have decided to participate in PurpleStride Chicago, a walk which raises money for Pancreatic Cancer.  It's happening on May 1st and I would really appreciate it if you would donate on my page.  Since I'm a little late to the party, I've set my goal for $500.  Anything you can give to help me reach my goal would be fantastic.

Thank you.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happy Tax Day!

Today is tax day and I know you’re still working on your tax forms.  Me?  I did my taxes months ago and my tax return has been earning nearly 2¢ per month in interest.  See?  That’s what being on top of things earns you.  Since I’m so together when it comes to taxes, I’ve decided to share with you my best tax tips.

Tax Day. (The Ides of April is the 13th)
Things to do on tax day:
  • Apply for an extension.
  • Wear a silly hat.
  • Frantically call your employer and ask them to re-send your W-2.
  • Refuse to file your return.  The IRS will never miss your tiny little chunk of change.
  • Sit back and laugh at all the jokers that didn’t file earlier.

Sure ways to get audited by the Federal Government:
  • Fill out your 1040EZ so that it can only be read in a mirror.
  • On line 20 (Social Security Benefits) write “for Socialists only.”
  • If you owe write “For abortion funding only” in the Memo line of your check.
  • If the Government owes you, ask them if they will wire your return to offshore accounts.
  • Use staples.  Lots of staples.
  • In the occupation line write, “Illicit Narcotics Distribution.”

You’re welcome.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 4

I had decided to approach this week’s show with positivity but they decided to open the show with a bad animation of Buzz Aldrin blasting off like a rocket.  It was his most graceful moment on the show.  Thank God he won’t be disgracing America anymore.

Why do they insist on making the dancers walk down those stairs at the beginning of every show?  Each week at least one person stumbles on the way down.  This week it was Erin Andrews and the guy that dances with the ├╝ber-hot Nicole Scherzinger.

This week’s attempt to make the show interesting is something they called the “Double Score Showdown.”  Each dancer got two sets of scores.  One score represents something and the other represents something else. Does anyone really care?

This week’s hot gossip: I’m not having sex with any of the hot women of the show.

Erin Andrews
Another week, another injury.  Erin has suffered some sort of back strain that the show decided to spend several minutes covering followed by her saying that she doesn’t want to be the kind of person who talks about her injuries.  But. You. Just. Did.  Let’s hope her back holds up through the Tango.

Good strategy to start by molesting the old, creepy judge.  Bad strategy by not wearing a sexier dress.  Good strategy by having an injury that shows your midsection off to the world.

My technical score: Why aren’t I a wardrobe consultant for this show?
My performance score: Rooting for a pulled gluteus maximus muscle.

Evan Lysacek
Evan decided to dress like a cat burglar for his rehearsals.  How did the producers resist making a joke about him stealing the show?  I hate myself for even thinking that.

I’m beginning to think that Tango is Spanish for whiplash.  The two dancers spend the entire time whipping their heads back and forth and jamming their groins together.  That’s how you get whiplash, right?  By jamming your groins together?

My technical score: I don’t speak dancing.
My performance score: Groin Jam!

Niecy Nash
Damn.  She’s dedicating this dance to her dead brother.  Actually, she didn’t dedicate it to her brother, her partner dedicated it to her brother for her.  I’m not sure that’s allowed, but whatever.  Either way the dedication poops all over my jokes.

Niecy was given the Rhumba which is a super sexy dance based on the pros that came out and effed each other on the dance floor during the demonstration.  She decided to dance to a Celine Dion song performed by the band Chicago.  At least that’s what it sounded like.  The Rhumba isn’t nearly as fun when the woman isn’t wearing underwear.  Bring back the pros.

My technical score: Rhumba didn’t seem sexy on my Casio keyboard.
My performance score: Work the sympathy vote, girl.

Aiden Turner
His partner had to beg him to feel her up.  You wouldn’t have to ask me twice.  She decided that the cure for his nerves would be for him to dance shirtless in front of a bunch of middle-aged women.  I’m sure the middle-aged women in the audience enjoyed it.

I still don’t know who the hell this guy is and I don’t who is voting for him.  Wait.  Middle-aged women.  This show makes me dumb.

My technical score: Is there something below D-list?
My performance score: I went to the bathroom so I wouldn’t miss the commercials.

Nicole Scherzinger
In the lead-in, her partner referred to his right hand as his “love hand.”  Making masturbation references is not the best way to put a woman in a sexy mood.  Trust me on this one.

The dress she wore put me in a sexy mood.  Where did I put my love hand?

My technical score: I’ll be right back.
My performance score: Did I miss anything?

Jake Pavelka
Does he know he’s not on The Bachelor anymore?  Someone tell him he can stop with all the sappy crap.  It’s like they just pull the cord and he spews lame. 

It’s fun to watch him try to dance like he thinks a real man should dance.  It’s nearly as fun as watching him act like he thinks a real man should act.

My technical score: Not a man.
My performance score: More like a doll.

Kate Gosselin
Do we have to keep hearing about how hard this lady’s life is?  If I was a single mother I would be pissed that this is the woman that has now become our representative.  Every week it’s tears and bitching and “I can’t do it.”  You know what?  She right.  She can’t do it.

My technical score: Misery, thy name is Kate.
My performance score: She wore a dress.

Chad Ochocinco
Is there any doubt that these two are hittin’ it?  My wife just confirmed that they are, in fact, “hittin’ it.”  Or at least “kissin’ it.”  Wait.  That reads more disgusting than I meant.

In case you were wondering, my wife is my official Pop Culture Consultant.  As far as I know, she hasn’t been wrong yet.  As far as I know, I haven’t checked yet.

My technical score: I’m not a reporter.
My performance score: I’m way off topic here.

Pamela Anderson
Pamela spent her entire time on-screen throwing herself at her partner or talking about how she’s lonely and needs someone right now.  Unfortunately, my wife cannot confirm that they are hittin’ it.  My eyes can confirm that something sexy is happening, however.

Is it possible to be so sexy that you aren’t sexy anymore?  Are our sexy expectations so high for her that anything aside from her having sex on a boat is a letdown?  I think so.

My technical score: The world is a confusing place.
My performance score: Jammed groin.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

A Note From the Dictator

Remember when Jennifer Lopez used to make good movies?  No, you don’t.  No one does.  Remember Phil McConkey?  He was a wide receiver for the Giants when they won the Super Bowl in 1986.  He had a sweet mustache.

I hope you enjoyed your trip down memory lane.

Now it’s time for some business.  I’ve been feverishly working on a new project for Mindsilt that I hope to launch soon.  I’ve decided to try my hand (mouth?) at podcasting.  What the fuck is a podcast?  A podcast is like a little radio show that I record and post here on the blog.  If I do it right, you should be able to listen to it right on this site or even download it to your computer so you can convert it to cassette tape and play it on your Walkman.

The initial podcasts will be interviews with the cast of pH Productions.  I’ll be interviewing each cast member individually.  That’s 35 hilarious people to entertain you.  After that, we’ll see where things go.

So when will I post the first Mindsilt Podcast?  I hope to have the first posted on May 7 with others following on a weekly basis.  I’m excited about this project and I can’t wait to hear what you think of the interviews.

Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for a fun little video.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 3

Look out, everyone.  Judges challenge tonight!  The judges want to see “story.”  Whatever the hell that means.  The true story is the brave brave bravery of Erin Andrews who continues to dance despite receiving death threats.  If you can’t dance, you’re not really living anyway.

This week’s hot gossip: Jake Pavelka reads his entire life from a script.

Evan Lysacek
Evan was assigned the Quickstep this week.  Apparently, the Quickstep is just like regular ballroom dancing only exactly the same.  I think I actually saw some personality from our local gold medal winner.  He joked that he’d only listen to his Russian partner if she explained things in a thick Russian accent.  I wonder who wrote that for him? 

The story?  His partner was late to the dance.  How did they demonstrate it?  She showed up late to the dance.  Clever.  I never saw it coming.  On top of all that, he heroically danced with two broken toes.

My score: Buy a watch.

Buzz Aldrin
I’d tell you that Buzz was assigned the Waltz, but I don’t know what that means.  All I know is that the combination of a Member’s Only jacket and him filming his partner with his Palm Pre was something I’ve been waiting for all my life.

They dressed up Buzz in a military uniform with medals and awards draped everywhere.  Buzz’s story was of a father coming home from war to dance with his daughter.  If we’re all lucky this very story will come true next week when America sends him back home.  Please, before I lose all respect for a beloved astronaut.

My score: America is dying.

Jake Pavelka
Wow.  Jake is the embodiment of the wussification of the American man.  He starts all of his sentences with, “I feel...” and he constantly reminds us that every interaction with a human is a “relationship.”  I bet he’s one of those sackless guys that orders the under 550 calorie meals at Applebee’s.

Jake was cast as an Indiana Jones type who has opened up Cleopatra’s tomb to find a poorly dressed and badly wigged teenage dancer.  Can you guess the song?  Yes, Walk Like An Egyptian.  He ended up trapped in a sarcophagus which was the highlight.

My score: 100cc’s of Testosterone.

Niecy Nash
Niecy continues to shine in the lead-in bits.  In a touching moment she got choked up a bit while talking about the possibility of society keeping her from being with her boyfriend.  She clearly felt for her gay dance pro.  Unfortunately, that won’t play with the old folks — this show’s major demographic.  Expect her to be gone next week.

It’s no surprise that the story was of the interracial couple that can’t be together.  It was the Waltz so it was boring as hell but she sold the hell out of it.  Is it clear that she is the only contestant I like?

My score: +1 for the gays.

Chad Ochocinco
Chad got the Paso Doble.  Based on the way they dressed him, the Paso Doble has something to do with bullfighting.  Or being a waiter.

In his story, he is trying to seduce his partner.  Isn’t that what dancing is?  I’m not sure how that’s a story.  I guess I’m not thinking inside the box enough.

My score: I’ll have the chicken burrito.

Pamela Anderson
They brought in Charo to help teach her how to speak a language that is neither English nor Spanish.  I think.  It could have had something to do with dancing.  I’m not really sure, there were boobs everywhere.

Pamela was dancing with another bullfighter or waiter.  Either way, she either didn’t like the fact that he fought bulls or worked for tips.  Again, I’m not sure that disliking someone is a story.  I’m still confused by all the boobs.

My score: I go to Hooters for the chicken wings.

Aiden Turner
Dancing With the Stars is the only show on television that blurs out puke.  This guy is the only guy that has puked from dancing without dropping E.

Aiden was painting the woman of his dreams and she suddenly came to life to dance with him.  I would have never guessed that she would pop out from behind a canvas.  I didn’t know that telling a story was as simple as using a prop.  I should have listened to Carrot Top.

My score: Why hasn’t Carrot Top been on this show?

Erin Andrews
Inspiration.  In the face of death threats, she manages to rehearse and dance anyway.  There couldn’t be any more drama with this woman off the dance floor.  Then her partner whipped out a blindfold.  Really?  Is that appropriate?  I can’t decide if that was sexy or creepy.

Sexy.  It was sexy.

My score: Getting in trouble with my wife.

Kate Gosselin
Yes!  They finally let her punch something.  It’s about time.  Let this chick rage.  She’s due.  She wasn’t showing her emotion in rehearsal so they brought in a punching bag and let her hammer it.  She still never achieved anything that was close to an emotion.

Kate found herself being chased by the evil paparazzi and she defeated him by dancing with him.  Story?  No.  Excuse for costumes?  Yes.

My score: I’m scared.

Nicole Scherzinger
Our first in-show controversy.  Somehow Nicole cheated.  She broke some confusing, unexplained rules and yet one judge still gave her a 9.  Yet another reason why this is the worst show on television.

I have no idea what her story was supposed to be.  They dressed her like a sailor.  A dude sailor.  She had a mop and she ran around a lot.  I think it was supposed to be the Quickstep but it felt more like Pre-school recess.  My best guess at the story is that she was cleaning a boat and then her sailor suit caught on fire and she ran around tying to put it out and then decided to mop.  Riveting.

My score: Poop deck.

Monday, April 05, 2010

How To Survive Opening Day (and the Rest of the Baseball Season)

Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football. I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.
A proper baseball uniform
  • When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
  • If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
  • Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms. (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
  • Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
  • In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
  • If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.
  • Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game. There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden. Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
  • Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
  • Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
  • Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

How To Create Your Very Own Militia

I'm sure that the recent raids on militia compounds in Indiana and Michigan have piqued your interest, Reader.  Thankfully, I'm from rural Indiana and I know a thing or two about militias.  Consider this your guide to starting your next militia.  What follows is a list of things you will need for a properly run militia.  You can thank me later.

Good use of distinctive hat
Guns, Guns, Guns
I can't stress this enough.  You need lots of guns.  Ideally, you'll have so many guns that you'll have no choice but to start piling them in the corner (but only after you've already dedicated an entire building to them).

As much as you can find.  You can use the other corner to pile your copious amounts of ammo.  (Your desk and TV should occupy the remaining corners.  If you have a five cornered room, congratulations, you work at the Pentagon, home to the largest militia on Earth.)

Everyone should be outfitted in head to toe camouflage.  Require members to provide their own camouflage.  I think you'll find that most already own plenty.  This will be your uniform.  Distinctive hats are optional.

American Flags
As many as you can find.  You'll need them to hang on your walls, fly from your porches and stitched to your uniforms.  Encourage your members to get tattoos that incorporate American flags.  Eagles carrying flags, bikini-clad women waving flags and tigers draped in flags are all good choices.  The American flag is the best way to show that you are a true American.  Throw in a Confederate Flag for good measure.

In-House Barber
He or she should also be a fellow (fellowess?) soldier and specialize in the mullet.

Web Designer
You do not need a professional web designer.  In fact, your militia's site should be the first site your web designer has ever designed.  His preferred color palette should consist solely of camouflage and his preferred font color should be red.  Insist upon a visible "site visited" counter on the home page.

A Compound
If you are just starting out and you haven't generated income through dues or sales of "Obuma" t-shirts, a large house will do.  Training can take place in nearby hunting forests.  Once you've earned a little money you'll want to buy land with several run-down buildings.  Fix these buildings up with duct tape and chicken wire.  There should be plenty of land on which to set up shooting ranges and hold training exercises.

Leaders wear ties when not in camouflage.
A Fearless Leader
The leader should be charismatic and relatively normal looking.  He should eschew the mullet and opt for a closely cropped 'do. Ideally, the leader should have a personal story about how the government wronged him.  If this isn't the case one can be easily fabricated.  A story about being forced to wait in long lines at the DMV won't cut it.  The story should revolve around denied rights (preferably guns), improper taxation or it could even be religiously based.  (A word of warning about religion-based militias: they tend to be associated with terrorists which are not considered very American.)  He should also frequently speak of the “New World Order.”  Your leader should also have some radical but plausible ideas about how to change the government.  This will make it easier to swallow when he eventually pitches his planned war against the American government.

There you have it.  If you have the eight items listed below, you will have created a successful militia.  Feel free to add to the list as your specific militia requires, but be careful with things like harems and rituals.  Those tread awfully close to becoming a cult.  Cults are very un-American.  Always remember, it is every militia's goal to be raided by the FBI.  Happy militia-ing!