Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happy Tax Day!

Today is tax day and I know you’re still working on your tax forms.  Me?  I did my taxes months ago and my tax return has been earning nearly 2¢ per month in interest.  See?  That’s what being on top of things earns you.  Since I’m so together when it comes to taxes, I’ve decided to share with you my best tax tips.

Tax Day. (The Ides of April is the 13th)
Things to do on tax day:
  • Apply for an extension.
  • Wear a silly hat.
  • Frantically call your employer and ask them to re-send your W-2.
  • Refuse to file your return.  The IRS will never miss your tiny little chunk of change.
  • Sit back and laugh at all the jokers that didn’t file earlier.

Sure ways to get audited by the Federal Government:
  • Fill out your 1040EZ so that it can only be read in a mirror.
  • On line 20 (Social Security Benefits) write “for Socialists only.”
  • If you owe write “For abortion funding only” in the Memo line of your check.
  • If the Government owes you, ask them if they will wire your return to offshore accounts.
  • Use staples.  Lots of staples.
  • In the occupation line write, “Illicit Narcotics Distribution.”

You’re welcome.

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