Thursday, April 01, 2010

How To Create Your Very Own Militia

I'm sure that the recent raids on militia compounds in Indiana and Michigan have piqued your interest, Reader.  Thankfully, I'm from rural Indiana and I know a thing or two about militias.  Consider this your guide to starting your next militia.  What follows is a list of things you will need for a properly run militia.  You can thank me later.

Good use of distinctive hat
Guns, Guns, Guns
I can't stress this enough.  You need lots of guns.  Ideally, you'll have so many guns that you'll have no choice but to start piling them in the corner (but only after you've already dedicated an entire building to them).

As much as you can find.  You can use the other corner to pile your copious amounts of ammo.  (Your desk and TV should occupy the remaining corners.  If you have a five cornered room, congratulations, you work at the Pentagon, home to the largest militia on Earth.)

Everyone should be outfitted in head to toe camouflage.  Require members to provide their own camouflage.  I think you'll find that most already own plenty.  This will be your uniform.  Distinctive hats are optional.

American Flags
As many as you can find.  You'll need them to hang on your walls, fly from your porches and stitched to your uniforms.  Encourage your members to get tattoos that incorporate American flags.  Eagles carrying flags, bikini-clad women waving flags and tigers draped in flags are all good choices.  The American flag is the best way to show that you are a true American.  Throw in a Confederate Flag for good measure.

In-House Barber
He or she should also be a fellow (fellowess?) soldier and specialize in the mullet.

Web Designer
You do not need a professional web designer.  In fact, your militia's site should be the first site your web designer has ever designed.  His preferred color palette should consist solely of camouflage and his preferred font color should be red.  Insist upon a visible "site visited" counter on the home page.

A Compound
If you are just starting out and you haven't generated income through dues or sales of "Obuma" t-shirts, a large house will do.  Training can take place in nearby hunting forests.  Once you've earned a little money you'll want to buy land with several run-down buildings.  Fix these buildings up with duct tape and chicken wire.  There should be plenty of land on which to set up shooting ranges and hold training exercises.

Leaders wear ties when not in camouflage.
A Fearless Leader
The leader should be charismatic and relatively normal looking.  He should eschew the mullet and opt for a closely cropped 'do. Ideally, the leader should have a personal story about how the government wronged him.  If this isn't the case one can be easily fabricated.  A story about being forced to wait in long lines at the DMV won't cut it.  The story should revolve around denied rights (preferably guns), improper taxation or it could even be religiously based.  (A word of warning about religion-based militias: they tend to be associated with terrorists which are not considered very American.)  He should also frequently speak of the “New World Order.”  Your leader should also have some radical but plausible ideas about how to change the government.  This will make it easier to swallow when he eventually pitches his planned war against the American government.

There you have it.  If you have the eight items listed below, you will have created a successful militia.  Feel free to add to the list as your specific militia requires, but be careful with things like harems and rituals.  Those tread awfully close to becoming a cult.  Cults are very un-American.  Always remember, it is every militia's goal to be raided by the FBI.  Happy militia-ing!

1 comment:

  1. 9. Encourage the recruitment of wives and children. They make for great camouflaged family photos at all-militia events, and serve as a great first line of defense against federal raids.