Monday, April 05, 2010

How To Survive Opening Day (and the Rest of the Baseball Season)

Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football. I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.
A proper baseball uniform
  • When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
  • If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
  • Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms. (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
  • Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
  • In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
  • If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.
  • Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game. There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden. Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
  • Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
  • Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
  • Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.


  1. And the honeymoon is over...I cannot believe you would bash baseball! The NBA, seriously? What other sport invites half of its teams, including ones finishing with an almost 50% win percentage, to a 3 1/2 month playoffs. Why even play a regular season? Baseball has it it all, tradition, purity, sunshine, beer. Sure the games on TV are boring, but I can see a live game almost everyday at a local little league, high school, or college field. Nothing beats green grass, sunshine, and a little bit of chatter

  2. But it's just so goddamn boring.