The Lost finale is Sunday and all of the fans are excited to finally know how it’s going to end. The producers have promised that we will get answers — maybe not all of the answers, but we will get answers. I thought I’d jump on that bandwagon and publicly answer some questions that people have been asking me. My questions may not be as compelling as the ones that Lost poses, but they are actual questions that I have been answering a lot recently and I will give you my honest answers.
How are you?
I’m good. You know, keeping busy. Trying to stay out of trouble. The usual.
Is Notre Dame going to join the Big Ten?
Hell no. Notre Dame is going to stay independent unless this Big Ten expansion thing blows everything up and changes the college football landscape in a major way. I don’t think that’s going to happen. There may be some minor changes but nothing that scares Notre Dame into joining a conference in football.
What is wrong with you?
Yikes. Where do I start? I’ve got all sorts of issues. Mostly, it’s just that I’m kinda crazy and I don’t really care who knows it. I also hate wasting time with pleasantries and prefer to get down to business. I don’t have time to talk about the weather. I can see what’s going on by looking out a window. Let me get back to work.
Are you going to put this in your show?
No. I’m definitely not going to put this mildly funny situation in one of my shows. First, that’s not how it works. It’s improv. It’s made up on the spot. Second, why would anyone think spilling a glass of water is funny? Especially since it would be imaginary on stage. How about you come see a show and then you’ll stop asking me this stupid question.
If you had to make dinner for a group of militant Pro-Lifers, what would you serve them?
Are you getting an iPad?
No. Not yet, anyway. In fact, I gave up wanting one after the first week they came out. I have a laptop, thankyouverymuch. Dee wants one, though. Every time we see an iPad commercial Dee says, “Maybe I should have one of those.” Before I met her she was not a gadget person at all, now she’s got an iPhone a new MacBook Pro and she wants an iPad. I’ve created a monster.
How do you know when your house is haunted?
The Mystery Machine is parked outside.