Ed. Note - Originally published on Schadenfreude.net. Reprinted with their permission. They’re such nice folk.
I should have known that agreeing to write for a site called Schadenfreude.net would result in my misery becoming your entertainment. I barely managed to maintain my sanity during Dancing With the Stars and now I'm moving on to The Bachelorette. You're welcome. I hate me.
The good folks here at the Schadenfreude offices have seen the toll that Dancing With the Stars has taken on me and they have reveled in my pain. As they should. They have now decided to take it one step further. They want to see if they can drive two of us to the edge of insanity with one show. The brave Stephen Schmidt is test subject number two. Stephen and I will take turns reviewing episodes. However, we are not allowed to watch any episodes that we are not reviewing. The theory is that continuity is not a necessity for this television show so it shouldn’t matter with the writers. Thank the big brains in Schadenfreude Labs for that theory. If you know a good straightjacket tailor, let Stephen and me know ASAP.
On with the review.
Introducing the the Bachelorette
This season's Bachelorette is Ali Fedotowsky. She was a contestant on the previous season of The Bachelor with failed Dancing With the Star contestant Jake Pavelka. On that show she established herself as the worst fake crier in television history. On this show she will establish herself as the least interesting Bachelorette in television history. At least her lips are shiny!
Now she has "a second chance at love." Thank God for The Bachelorette or she would have never had another chance at love.
Introducing the Bachelors
I'm going to apologize right up front for overusing the word "douchenozzle," as in: They plugged in the biggest fire hose they could find, attached the douchenozzle and sprayed it all over this show.
They introduce the 25 men to Ali by driving them up in a limo to the front door of the mansion where she waits to greet them one by one. I call it the Peacock Parade. Each guy tries to outdo the last with a cheesy bit or ridiculous stunt in the hopes of being remembered. It has the effect of making them all seem exactly alike, which saves me from the chore of describing each of them.
After an hour of lead-in they finally get to the cocktail party where Ali gets accosted buy a sea of douche. Each of the guys pulls Ali away, gives her his jacket and then busts out that one thing that he thinks will melt a woman's heart. For example:
Kirk made a scrapbook about himself to prove that he’s handy with a glue stick.
Kasey managed to avoid being asked why he talks like a deaf person. He also decided to lead with the fact that his dad cheated on his mom.
Hunter played the ukulele. Didn't mention cheating.
Derrick decided to reveal that he’s called “Shooter” because he prematurely ejaculates.
Chris L. chose to lie to her about his dead mother.
Justin revealed that he is a "professional" wrestler who goes by the name "Rated-R."
Craig R. told Ali that he will be the Here For The Right Reasons Police because he doesn’t think women are smart enough to figure out anything on their own.
Jesse made a heart out of wood to prove that he’s handy with his wood.
The premiere wouldn’t be complete without a few twists. This year they handed out the customary First Impression Rose and had all of the guys cast a secret ballot for who they thought wasn’t there “for the right reasons.” The appearance of the First Impression Rose caused all the guys to turn it up from douchnozzle to douchewaterfall (doucherfall?) but she gave the rose to Roberto because he made her salsa. Or something. In the least surprising moment ever televised, the dudes overwhelmingly voted for the “professional” wrestler. Ali gave him a rose anyway. I guess his signature move is turning himself into rubber and you into glue because your doucheyness bounces off of him and sticks to you. Don’t mess with Rated-R — unless you are 18 or older.
The Rose Ceremony
There's nothing quite like the first Rose Ceremony for a complete lack of drama. First, you don't know who the hell these guys are. Second, you don't care. Third, you know there are at least four guys who are definitely getting roses. Jonathan and Craig M. are definitely getting roses because they've set up Craig as the villain and Jonathan as his main adversary. Every show needs a villain. You also know that Frank is getting a rose because he's "the funny guy" and you have to give Hunter a rose because you can't play his ukulele song during the credits if he's been sent home.
My ceremonial roses go to:
Ali - for opening the Rose Ceremony by saying, “If you don’t get a rose tonight it’s not personal.” Yes it is, Ali. It is entirely personal.
Shooter - for thinking that admitting his ejaculatory issues would actually work.
Kyle - for summing it up perfectly, “I feel like a failure.”
Jay - for saying “I would have sent myself home.” Jay, you need to have a long talk with Jay.