Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Finale

The Garage Sale Trophy.
Tonight it all comes to an end.  Evan, Erin and Nicole will dance their final dances and tomorrow night DWTS will award one of them a trophy.  Yes, they actually have a trophy on this show.  It’s a miniature disco ball on a pedestal.  Unfortunately, I won’t be reporting on who actually wins the trophy because it doesn’t matter.  Plus, I have a life to live.

This week the dancers are dancing one “redemption dance” chosen by the judges and one freestyle dance.  The “redemption dance” is a dance that the contestants did poorly earlier in the season.  It’s also a chance for them to finally get off the Island.  The freestyle dance is exactly what it sounds like.  Unlike DWTS, I know you’re smart enough to figure out what it means.

Erin Andrews
Dance One, Samba:
The super gay judge came to her rehearsal to give her some tips for properly dancing the Samba.  These tips consisted mostly of him shouting, “Look at her ass!  Look at her ass!”  I’m not sure how that’s helpful or gay.  This show has more twists than Lost.  She was at least smart enough to wear nearly nothing on the dance floor so that I wouldn’t completely fall asleep.  I really mean pass out.  I have to get wasted to get through these shows. 

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Erin and her partner decided to turn this into So You Think You Can Dance by doing a bad approximation of the interpretive dance that The Dude’s neighbor does in The Big Lebowski.  They brought in some choreographer that my wife knows and proceeded to flop around on a bed.

My score: I do not abide.

Evan Lysacek
Dance One, Viennese Waltz
The old judge gave Evan some tips at his rehearsal that actually sounded like dance tips so they were boring as hell.  He also told him to dance with his hot redhead partner like he was sexually attracted to her.  How many times have we heard this?  I don’t have this many gay jokes.

Evan danced to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” so his partner wore a black and white dress that looked like piano keys and he “played” those piano keys several times.  The dance world lives in a different reality where literal interpretation is not cheesy and snarky Internet bloggers don’t exist.  We can only hope this alternate reality is a construct of our collective subconscious.  Actually, I hope it’s not.  Why would we do this to ourselves?

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Evan finally decided to become the editor that no one on the show has been.  He refused to do the cheesy moves his partner choreographed.  So.  Many.  Twists.  While Evan ran off to ice skate, his partner remained behind to cry.  That’s the first time he’s acted like a dude all season.  Then some dude with a bad haircut came in and gave them some new moves and apparently suggested that Evan dress like Ed Grimley.  The dance was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  I’m pretty sure he had a seizure at some point.

Your winner.
My score: I need an alternate reality.

Nicole Scherzinger
Dance One, Rhumba:
The lady judge attended Nicole’s rehearsal and “gave her permission to be a woman.”  She was being totally serious.  I think it meant that she shouldn’t wear pants again (even though they were the sexiest pants ever).  She decided to wear a red dress.  So they danced to “Lady In Red.”  So much for the twists.

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Nicole and her partner decided to do some kind of crazy freakout where they slammed every kind of dance into one exhausting routine.  The best part was when Nicole ripped off her suit to reveal another pair of those awesome pants.  Winner.  Winner for pants.  And for cheating because she’s already a dancer.

My score: Cheater, cheater, pants on fire.

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