Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 8

Ed. Note: Originally written for Schadenfreude.net

Last week America proved that it doesn’t like sexy robots and sent Pamela Anderson home.  For the first time all season the judges will not make intentional double entendres.  I don’t really have any feelings about Pamela leaving the show except that I’m relieved that we’re a week closer to the end of this debacle.  Unfortunately they’ve decided to go back to a full two hours.  If Alyssa Milano’s sitcom didn’t suck they wouldn’t have to fill that time.

This is exactly what Chad wore.
This week the dancers will be doing two dances each which means that there will be lots and lots of whining and crying in the rehearsal segments.  There is also some sort of decade theme to the night.  They will be dancing in the style of the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘80s, ‘90s or the future.  Yes, the future.  Sometimes God gives me a wonderful gift.

Chad Ochocinco
Dance One, Tango:
During rehearsal Chad’s partner stopped him and had a very serious discussion with him about his constantly changing moods.  She basically accused him of having multiple personality disorder.  She’s probably right.  I’ve finally figured out exactly what the Tango is, however.  All you have to do is be really boring while wearing red.  I’m learning something new every week.

Dance Two, Jive — ‘60s:
Chad spent most of his rehearsal talking about his “pimp hand.”  We didn’t get to see him dish out his “pimp hand” but she wore a dress that covered her torso.  Smart abusers only leave bruises where they don’t show. 

He dressed like a pimp and she dressed like one of his girls because we all associate the ‘60s with prostitution. 

My score: Did this feel racist to anyone else?

Niecy Nash
Dance One, Viennese Waltz:
Hey everyone!  Did you know that Niecy Nash is a voluptuous woman?  Did you know that she’s got big boobs and a big butt?  No, you didn’t?  Well, you’re a freaking idiot because she reminds you every time she gets a chance.  You’re my favorite, Niecy, but you need to put a cap on that humor well.  It’s polluting everything.

Remember how the Viennese Waltz has been extra boring every other time on this show?  Still boring.

Dance Two, Paso Doble — ‘90s:
Okay, I’m calling bullshit on the decade theme.  You can play bad music and wear bad outfits and it’s still the same boring dance.  In fact, it’s exactly like every other dance they do on this show, including the bad music and outfits.  The decade theme is the opposite of putting lipstick on a pig.  It’s like putting acne on a horse.  That’s the opposite, right?

My score: I see through your ruse, DWTS.

Erin Andrews
Dance One, Argentine Tango:
Erin was in the bottom two last week and I’m completely shocked that it got into her feeble little mind.  Fortunately, we got to hear her whine about it for the entire rehearsal.  We also got to hear her freak out about the lift she was practicing.  I can’t believe that America didn’t vote for her.

Guess what, she’s still sexy and she sexed it up all over the floor.  It was almost as sexy as Pamela brushing her teeth.

Dance Two, Rhumba — ‘80s:
After this, Erin has to go back to being a journalist.  A real, not whiny journalist.  How could anyone possibly take her seriously now?  Good thing no one takes sideline reporters seriously in the first place.

My score: Real people suck.

Evan Lysacek
Dance One, Viennese Waltz:
I think Evan has decided to make every moment of this show a performance piece all his own.  When he’s assigned a boring dance, he makes sure that his rehearsal lead-in is just as boring.  He spent this week trying to work on developing a connection with his super hot redheaded partner.  I’m not saying he’s gay, but I’ve developed a connection with her and I’ve got two screens and time delay between me and her.

I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point during Evan’s dance.  To be fair, I could have passed out.  I’m pretty drunk right now.

Dance Two, Cha Cha — Futuristic:
Evan found his personality!  It’s gay nerd!  He does an awesome gay robot voice.  His partner also does an awesome nearly-naked hot girl.

My score: Gay robots!

Nicole Scherzinger
Dance One, Quickstep:
Please.  Don’t give me a sob story about how hard it is to learn how to dance when you are already a dancer.  Is there anything less sexy than a girl crying about her dance routine?  Yes, a girl pooping.  Erin and Nicole are why people hate America.

I can’t even tell you anything about her actual dance.  I was too busy trying to keep from stabbing something.

Dance Two, Paso Doble — ‘50s:
Nicole and her partner spent the entire lead-in trying to figure out how to incorporate the ‘50s into the dance because they are too dumb to realize that it’s about the music and the costumes.  There wasn’t any crying during this rehearsal but she couldn’t even let herself enjoy getting three 10s.  Why are these rich, beautiful people so miserable?  I’m rich and beautiful and I couldn’t be happier when I’m not watching this show.

My score: When will it all end?

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