Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Review: Dancing With the Stars Week 9

It’s down to the final four and they made them dance two dances again.  They made me sit through 90 minutes without a single bright spot now that Niecy Nash is gone.  I guess I can’t expect to have at least one moment I enjoy each Monday. 

This week they made a big deal about how they’ve “wiped the slate clean.”  They made a very concerted effort to tell us about how this week’s scores and votes will determine who moves on to the finals.  You know, EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER WEEK.

Not as fancy as Erin's pants.
DWTS thinks you are stupid.

Erin Andrews
Dance One, Viennese Waltz: 
Someone at Dancing With the Stars is reading these posts.  We didn’t see Erin whine once during the lead-in.  We did see her partner, Maks, talk about how badly he wanted to win this show.  You know, because it’s all about him and the eight years he’s struggled on this show.

Erin decided to wear the formal version of culottes for this dance.  I can’t even describe the jumpsuit/pantsuit/formal gown thing that she was wearing.

Dance Two, Paso Doble:
It’s downer week.  The second set of lead-ins are going to focus on all of the obstacles that each of the contestants have overcome.  After seeing a few seconds about how it was hard for Erin to be strikingly beautiful as a child we heard all about the stalker video incident.  She’s come such a long way from being a respected sports reporter being chased by a crazy man to becoming a whiny mediocre dancer who is banging her partner.  Women everywhere thank you.

My score: Is it football season yet?

Nicole Scherzinger
Dance One, Argentine Tango: 
This week must be Focus On the Pros Week as the lead-in was all about Nicole’s partner’s hurt neck.  He could barely move and we even got a shot of him writhing on the floor in pain.  I guess that’s better than listening to Nicole whine for three minutes.  It’s not nearly as good as watching anything else for three minutes.

The gay judge (the obviously gay one) loved the dance so much that he actually pooped his pants.  We saw his feces on live TV.  He showed it to us with his hands and then he wore it like a hat.

Dance Two, Cha-Cha:
Nicole was poor when she grew up and she also had a hard time being beautiful as a child.  Somehow she still managed to go to a private arts school where she trained to be a singer and dancer.  Yep, dancer.  Seems fair, right?  Once I saw her pants I didn’t care anymore.  I’m fine with Niecy Nash’s ouster so long as Nicole wears pants like that.

My score: Poop hats would actually make the show better.

Chad Ochocinco
Dance One, Viennese Waltz:
Doesn’t everyone know that this show is even more boring when you take everything so seriously?  You’d think Chad would know this better than anyone and take this chance to live up to his ridiculous personality on the football field.  He did not.  He just fished for compliments the entire time because he is a twelve-year-old child.

The judges decided that Chad had a breakthrough moment.  In fact, the gay judge fashioned fecal hats for everyone on the judge’s panel.  Then they all ate each other’s thumbs.

Dance Two, Samba:
We need more moments like Chad claiming that his first words were “child please.”  We need fewer moments where we hear that he grew up without parents.  We need more moments like Chad’s extremely awkward solos.  We need fewer moments where people allow this show to go on.

Evan's BFF?
My score: I need for this to all be over.

Evan Lysacek
Dance One, Foxtrot:
Evan’s partner decided that the key to this week’s dances was finding what made Evan happy.  Dancing with a super hot redhead isn’t enough for him and we’re all left to wonder why.  Things he actually listed: coffee, cars and sweater vests.

Dance Two, Paso Doble:
Evan grew up in Naperville, IL.  His life has not been hard.  The toughest thing that’s happened to him is that he had a growth spurt as a teenager.  Exactly like everyone else.  He also had Vera Wang talking about how driven he was in his lead-in.  What?  Did she make all of his costumes for the Olympics?  Was Elton John busy?

My score: Have I dropped enough hints?

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