Tuesday, June 08, 2010

The Bachelorette - Episode #2 - A Review

If you are going to repeat the same formula over and over again you need to make sure the people executing the formula are interesting.  If these are the people The Bachelorette has chosen to make the formula interesting, I really feel for the people who have been watching this from the beginning.  This is what George Costanza meant when he said, “Why will people watch it?  Because it’s on TV.”

You know the formula.  Dudes, dates, drama.

1-on-1 Date, Roberto
Why do the bachelors/bachelorettes continue to be surprised when a helicopter descends onto the mansion grounds for a date?  Oh right, because they’re dumb enough to try to find a mate on television.  The helicopter set Ali and Roberto on top of a building in downtown LA.  But there’s a twist.  Their dinner was on a different building.  They had to walk across wires strung between the two buildings.  Is this The Bachelorette or Fear Factor

It's been one week since I gave a damn.
Ali spent the entire date drooling over Roberto.  At one point she said, “I don’t know if I’m pretty enough for him.  Not many guys can make me feel that way.”  You know, because she’s soooo beautiful.  Is there any doubt that Ali has already made up her feeble mind?  I feel stupid telling you that she gave him a rose.

Group Date
What happens when you round up a gaggle of douchebags and shoot a music video with Barenaked Ladies?  The world opens up and swallows them, right?  Unfortunately, no.  They missed their scheduled sink hole by about 2200 miles. 

Remember when the Barenaked Ladies used to sell albums by writing catchy pop tunes that got suck in your head even though you hated them?  Now they’ve been reduced to writing boring songs and schilling them on The Bachelorette.

Each bachelor was assigned a scene with Ali for the music video.  Some got to kiss her, some got to roll around in bed with her, some got slapped in the face but they all got to watch.  The Weatherman even got to cry when the guys made fun of him because he is the worst kisser in the world.  I really don’t think he understands the mechanics.  It’s like he’s never even seen anyone kiss before.  I’d make a gay joke but it’s not gay, it’s inhuman.

Crutchy’s Journey
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new villain.  Now that Craig M. is gone, Rated-R is officially the new bad guy.  He limped his way over to Ali’s house and got some coveted 1-on-1 time.  Of course, this wasn’t scheduled time so he ate into Hunter’s 1-on-1 date.  That’s not what makes him the villain.  What makes him the villain is that he stood outside taunting Hunter about Ali being late to his date.  Then he spent the rest of the night talking about what he would do just to get some time with Ali without actually mentioning that he walked over to her place.  This is probably the last we’ll hear about this.

1-on-1 Date, Hunter
Thanks to Rated-R’s hijinks, Hunter got the anti-Bachelorette date.  He was invited over to Ali’s house for dinner.  No helicopter, no high wire, no pop band.  Just him, Ali and a hot tub.  Sounds like a great opportunity for some serious making out, right?  Nope.  It was as awkward as any first date you’ve ever had.  In fact, it was more awkward.  Why didn’t he bring his ukulele?  Or his personality?  Why?

The Final Party
I was wrong.  We did hear more about Rated-R’s little trip, though I don’t think any of us would have predicted that it would be the focal point of the whole night.  Would we?  Yes we would.  The best part was when the guys confronted Rated-R and he prefaced his response by saying, “I don’t normally swear.”  What?  A professional wrestler named Rated-R doesn’t swear?  Time for a new rating system.

After Rated-R lamely tried to defend his actions, he went over to the corner to cry.  A better choice would have been to body slam one or more of the other guys or even grab a microphone and rant incoherently in his best gravelly voice.  However, he exhibits absolutely zero features of a professional wrestler except for the fact that he keeps telling people he’s a professional wrestler.  That’s probably why his job won’t miss him while he’s filming the show.

All of the guys left the conversation confident that Rated-R would be going home this week.  They seemed to forget that Ali was the one that hands out the roses.

The Rose Ceremony
Has it been confirmed that names are written on the back of the roses so that Ali knows who she’s supposed to give them to?  She can’t possibly remember all of their names and the order she’s supposed to give them out.  I’m certain they have names written on them.  That’s why she stares so long at the rose before she gives it out — she’s sounding out the name. 

Ali waited until the very end to give Rated-R a rose to try to build some kind of suspense.  It didn’t work because he was up against the two ugliest and most boring contestants on the show.  One of the guys couldn’t open a bottle of Champagne for Christ’s sake.  Do they really think we are this dumb?

My roses go to:
  • Frank — for being the only guy to stay and watch the entire scene between Ali and Kirk where they rolled around in bed and made out.  Creepy.
  • The camera crew — for getting Ali outside to do an interview just as Rated-R hobbled up the driveway and into the shot.
  • The producers — for thinking we don’t know about the existence of cell phones and that we would buy that Rated-R just happened to appear at that exact moment.
  • Steve — for not realizing that being unable to open a bottle of Champagne was the perfect metaphor for his perceived impotence. 


  1. Your commentary is a priceless addition to an otherwise completely shitty existance for these shows. It's like Mystery Science Theatre for the Reality TV generation. Keep it up!

  2. Thanks, buddy. I've missed seeing new posts on your blog. Hope the training is going well.