Friday, July 30, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Friday Roundup, here.  How you doin’?  I’m back again and I’m ready to fill your head full of fun stuff.  Remember, if you want me to feature your blog, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook and I’ll give you some love.

Check This Out
Well, shit.  I’d love to pimp one of my friend’s blogs in this space but my friends haven’t been posting much recently and I don’t want to lead you to blogs that aren’t updating.  (Sorry, friends.)  Instead, I’m going to send you to a site that is awesome and hilarious and probably doesn’t need your traffic, but I think you’ll enjoy it.

Go to TheOatmeal.com.  Right now.  This guy has created some hilarious comics, quizzes and posters.  Enjoy.


This Week In Mindsilt
Monday:
I wrote about my weekend and how it made me feel like an old man.

Tuesday:
I wondered if it was just me or…

Thursday:
I wrote about my inability to take good advice.


Tweet of the Week
From PAPPADEMAS
Isn’t that what all writers do, technically? http://www.tweetphoto.com/35278925

See it here.


Video of the Week
Jane Austen’s Fight Club



From the Mindsilt Archives
I used to wonder: What Would Jesus Do?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Your Advice, My Problem

Listen, dude.  I really like your advice.  In fact, it’s the best advice I’ve heard on the matter.  It is exactly what I should do.  The problem is that it’s your advice.  You came up with the idea.  It’s not that I don’t like you.  I do like you.  You’re a good friend, but I just can’t use your advice.  You see, I’ve got this thing.  I have to come up with my own ideas.  I have to figure out how to solve my own problems.  If I just do what someone else tells me it feels like cheating.  Cheating at life.

What?

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I got this idea in my head that I had to be the one to figure everything out.  I don’t mean that I have to go trying to solve all of the world’s problems.  I know I’ll never do that.  I do feel like I should be able to solve all of my own problems, however.  It’s my life and it’s my responsibility to fix what needs fixing.  If I take someone else’s advice it feels like plagiarism.  Plagiarism of life.

What?

Yeah, it’s stupid.  I know.  I’m working on it.  There are lots of people out there who are smarter than me who have already solved the problems I’m dealing with.  I should take their advice.  I should plagiarize their life.  I’m trying but I’m not very good at it.  I’m getting better, I promise.

Don’t be offended if I don’t take your advice.  It’s not you, it’s me.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Is It Just Me or...

…does everyone hope they thoroughly clean the slates they use for mug shot photos?

…are we all starting to get sick of a cappella versions of popular songs?

…does the state of Congress make it feel like the terrorists are winning?

…couldn’t we all use a beer right now?

…is that sound really annoying?

Monday, July 26, 2010

A Good Weekend for an Old Man

Damn.  Sometimes the weekend just wipes me out.  Maybe I'm just an old man and I can't keep up the pace that I used to, but holy crap am I tired.  It wasn't even that crazy of a weekend.  I never even got drunk.

Dee and I went to visit friends in the 'burbs and hung out at their pool.  Then we drove to Rockford (somewhere near Rockford, anyway) to visit her friend that lives out there.  They have a boat!

We took their boat out on Lake Geneva and did boat people things.  We rode in the boat.  We jumped out of the boat.  We swam next to the boat.  We drank beers in the boat.  We drank beers in the water next to the boat.  We ate chips.  We peed in the water.  It was fun and relaxing.

You'd think something fun and relaxing would re-energize you, but it didn't.  It made us tired.  At one point during the drive home Dee and I both fell asleep.  (Don't worry, Ruthie was driving.  She's a very good driver.  She has keen eyesight and can always find her way home.)  After Dee and I woke from our short naps, we expressed surprise about how tired we were we began making up excuses.

"The sun just saps your energy."
"Swimming around for five minutes can really wear you out."
"I was standing for most of the boat ride."
"It takes a lot of energy to break down the psychological barriers to allow yourself to pee in the lake while wearing a bathing suit."

We made up those excuses because we didn't want to admit to each other that we're getting old.  It's sadly obvious.  I have as much gray hair as black hair.  If I raise my eyebrows, my forehead turns into a topographical map of Colorado (it's surprisingly accurate).  And Dee?  Well, she's still a ravishingly beautiful woman who looks several years younger than her real age.  I'm just lucky she's willing to stick it out with this aging sack of flesh.  At least I still have control of my bladder--when I'm not in a lake.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Hey, look!  It’s another edition of the Friday Roundup.  Just like last week.  I’ll feature another blog and give you the highlights of this one and throw in a few other tidbits.  If you want me to feature your blog, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook and I’ll give you some love.

Check This Out
Before I was a world famous blogger and improviser, I was a lowly student trying to learn how to be funny without a script.  As part of my studies, I went to see late night improv shows and one Micah Philbrook was always the star of the show.  He played characters named “The Dreaded Annoyance” and “Comma” and it was the most brilliant thing I had ever seen.  Then I was lucky enough to get hired, perform with the esteemed Mr. Philbrook and we eventually started our own company, pH Productions.

Meet Micah Philbrook.  Read his blog.  Follow him on Twitter.  He’s on a cruise ship in the Atlantic right now and he’s spending a lot of time in the Bahamas, so you’ll read a lot about cruise life.  Check it out.

This Week In Mindsilt
Tuesday:
I reviewed another episode of The Bachelorette and informed the world about Blood Pearls.

Wednesday:
What?  A post on Wednesday?  Yep.  It was the five year anniversary of this very blog.

Thursday:
I wrote about good drinks and hot redheads in Cleveland.

Tweet of the Week
From Jim Gaffigan:
My neighbor just committed suicide. So weird. I was just talking to him yesterday. I told him no one loved him.

See it here.

This then led to a string of tweets from heaven.  Delightful.

Video of the Week
Tarp Surfing





From the Mindsilt Archives
My State of the Union from 2006

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Treat Yourself To A Good Drink

When was the last time you walked into a bar and ordered a cocktail?  I’m not talking about Red Bull and vodka or vodka cranberry or Captain and Diet.  Those are not cocktails.  Those are mixed drinks.  I’m talking about real cocktails.  Drinks that require craftsmanship, knowledge and the proper glass.  Have you ever ordered a Rob Roy?  A Sazerac?  A Highball?  Probably not, and you probably shouldn’t walk into your neighborhood bar and ask for those drinks.  First, they probably won’t have any idea how to make them.  Second, the drink would probably taste like shit.  So, what is my fucking point, then?

My fucking point is that you need to find a place like the Velvet Tango Room and order one of those cocktails.  It’s a whole new way to drink.  You can enjoy subtle, delicious flavors while you get drunk.  You get to go on a little adventure with each drink—especially if you watch the bartender make the cocktail.  There are no blenders, no mixes.  Everything is made by hand.  Everything is delicious.  If there’s not a drink on the menu that really jumps out at you, the bartender will listen to what you like and craft a cocktail especially for you.  Plus, the bartender is a friendly, sexy redhead.  You can never go wrong with friendly, sexy redheads.  Ask my wife.

There is a catch, however.  The Velvet Tango Room isn’t in Chicago.  It’s in Cleveland.

Well, shit.  Now what?  Well, you could go to Cleveland.  It’s really not that far from Chicago (apologies to my readers in Spain).  So go.  Or you could visit The Violet Hour (more apologies to my readers in Spain).  I’ve not yet been but I’ve heard good things and plan to visit soon.  I can’t guarantee a hot redhead bartender, though.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Happy Birthday!

Five years ago today, I started this blog by writing this short post.  Things have certainly changed since then but my stated goal (to get into the habit of writing) has been achieved.  When I began, I was writing for an audience of none.  Now I'm writing for an audience of slightly more.

So, Audience of Slightly More, I thank you for reading and I hope to keep you interested for five years more.  After that, we'll talk.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Bachelorette - Episode #9 - A Review


I want to go to there.

Ali and her three remaining men are in Tahiti this week.  This is the week when all the guys tell Ali that they’ve fallen in love with her because it’s what you have to do at this point.  If she doesn’t know if you’re in love with her, you’re going home.  High stakes, everyone.

The show opens with shots of each man looking thoughtfully off into the distance.  We can only assume that they are thinking about getting to bone Ali on this episode.  Where is Steve Gadlin (a.k.a Chris Harrison)?  Why isn’t he opening the show by addressing the three guys from twenty yards away like usual?  I’m worried about Steve.  I hope he’s okay.

Chris’s and Roberto’s clips were completely interchangeable.  They talked about how hard they’ve fallen for Ali and how they’re worried about not being chosen.  You know, the exact same thing they’ve been talking about all season.
And then there’s Frank.

Frank has a dilemma.  He thinks that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend.  Falling in love with Ali has made him realize that he might still be in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole.  He’s in love with two girls?  How is that a dilemma on this show?  Of course, Frank has to go back to Chicago and see if he’s still in love with Nicole.  There’s no talk about whether she’ll still be in love with him because he lives in the ‘50s.

In order to win back his ex-girlfriend’s heart, he decides to spend the entire time talking about how great things are between him and Ali.  She responds by saying, “It’s sickening.”  Sickening to think of him with another girl.  She still loves him, Schadenfreude.net reader.  America is saved!  Frank then explains that he has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali and that she needs to support him on this noble quest.  Ride away, brave Frank, into the beautiful sunsets of Tahiti with another woman.

1-on-1 with Roberto
When Ali and Roberto meet, they talk about how they missed each other.  How long were they apart?  A week?  A few days?  Instead of roses, Ali should hand them notes with “Yes” or “No” boxes to check.

Helicopter!  The helicopter is back!  I love you, Helicopter.  Helicopter, will you accept this rose?  Oh, Helicopter, why won’t you whisk me off to a hart-shaped island where I can sweat heavily through my gray t-shirt.  Why didn’t anyone tell Roberto not to wear a gray t-shirt in the heat of Tahiti?  I couldn’t tell if he was sweating or in a wet t-shirt contest.

Whoever decided that it is acceptable to show footage of Ali and Roberto standing in the water for three minutes while they each take turns narrating about how awesome the date was, you need to be fired.

Before dinner, Roberto confesses to the camera (and therefore the world) that he has trouble opening up about how strong his feelings are for Ali.  Guess what Roberto, you just did.  Pretend Ali is a camera and say it to her.  It shouldn’t be hard, she has the same personality as a camera.  Then, he does it!  America is saved!  Her reaction was to not say a word.

Is there any drama left at this point?  Unless there is some sort of catastrophe, she’s going to choose Roberto.  We know Frank is breaking up with her and Chris kisses like an 11-year-old.

1-on-1 with Chris
Whoever managed to capture how awkward conversation is between Chris and Ali needs to be promoted to working on Roberto’s dates.  They’ve perfectly captured how uncomfortable they are together.  Especially when they kiss.  There is so much mashing involved.  I haven’t mashed someone’s face like that since I was blackout drunk at a college dorm party.
A Blood Pearl

Ali and Chris jumped off their boat and waded over to an island where they could look for pearls.  Looking for pearls consists of violent mutilation of clams.  I can only assume that these clams were planted there for them to find.
Why would they let these two schmucks snatch up all the pearls they can find?  It seems like the island should be swarming with cutthroat captains of industry, not flip-flop wearing reality contestants.  Please, folks.  Don’t buy the blood pearls of Tahiti.

At dinner on another tiny uninhabited island, Chris continued to play the family card.  He’s convinced it’s his ace in the hole.  He knows that if it doesn’t work on Ali that it will at least get him a spot as the next Bachelor.  It’s funny that a guy who was willing to lie to her about his dead mom is now jamming his dead mom down our throats.

Does anyone turn down the fantasy suite?  If they do, do they ever get a rose at the end of the show?  It’s basically free poon.  I really wish the fantasy suite was the same suite for every guy.  Then there might actually be some reservation on Ali’s part about sleeping with three guys in the same bed.

1-on-1 with Frank
Frank arrived in Tahiti standing atop a small boat — much like Jack Sparrow arriving on his sinking ship — except Frank’s arrival is accompanied by grave narration from Frank himself, “I’m coming here to tell Ali I’m leaving because I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend.”

He then decides that he needs to talk to Chris Harrison.

Why did we need to see this?  Frank already knows why he’s here.  As far as we know, they haven’t been within 20 yards of each other all season.  How could Chris possibly provide good advice?  Chris, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that Frank tell Ali how he feels.  No shit.  Can we get the real Steve Gadlin to handle this next time?  At least he’d draw a cat or something.

My wife and I made bets on how quickly Ali’s hair will go from looking kinda crappy to really crappy.  I went with less than a minute.  It happened after their first hug which was about three seconds in.  As soon as Frank said, “We need to talk” Ali busted out the pouty face that she usually reserves for rose ceremonies.  We are then quickly treated to Ali’s pouty face morphing into a wait-a-second-I’m-the-one-supposed-to-be-doing-the-dumping-face.  How dare he think about another person while he’s dating her?  Doesn’t he know that their relationship is exclusive?

Frank’s news led to the following exchange:
Ali: “I gave up everything to be here.”
Frank: “I gave up everything, too.”
Ali: “Apparently not everything.”

ZING!  Then she threw her sandals like a child and said, “I’m going to go.  I need to deal with this somehow.”  Somehow?  Somehow?!  How will you ever make it through, Ali?  By choosing Roberto, that’s how.

Ali kept repeating that she, “…never imagined that something like this would happen.”  Really?  Didn’t you basically do the same thing to Jake?  You bailed before the show ended.  That’s just what Frank is doing.  Sure, you did it for your job and Frank’s doing it for another girl but it’s essentially the same thing.  How could you not see that Karma train coming?

Ali wondered aloud if there was something wrong with her and then asked the camera several times why Frank didn’t mention the other girl to her.  Really?  Has she really convinced herself that she wouldn’t have cut him and dealt with the 20 other guys that didn’t have unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend?  There is something wrong with her.

The Rose Ceremony
This isn’t canceled?  Do they think we’re stupid?  Two guys, two roses.  It’s like youth sports leagues today, no one loses!  Do they really think we’re dumb enough to believe that one of the final two might turn down a rose?

My roses go to:

  • Tahiti — for making me want to be there right now.
  • Nicole — for letting us in to your tiny, tiny apartment.
  • Ali — for having absolutely no sense of irony, or humor.
  • The Tahitian Natives — for never appearing on screen so that we can believe that no one actually inhabits the island.
  • The clams — for not screaming while being torn apart by our greedy reality show pearl hunters.

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Get ready peoples.  It’s time for a new feature.  The Friday Roundup.  Or maybe I’ll call it the Weekly Status Report, you know, because I’m a project manager.  Or maybe all call it Wookie Dookie Doo.  Who cares?  The point is that I’m going to do this every Friday.  I’ll feature a blog that I think you should check out, a recap of my posts for the week, my favorite tweet of the week and a video of the week.  Maybe I’ll even throw in a few extras now and then.  Anyway, let’s get to it.

Check This Out
Some time ago, I went to Notre Dame.  Some time after that I joined Twitter.  Soon after that, a former classmate of mine from Notre Dame began following me on Twitter.  Now, I didn’t really know her when I was at Notre Dame, but I knew who she was.  You see, she was a National Champion soccer player.  She’s kind of a big deal.  Anyway, I wish I had known her while at ND.  She’s pretty freaking hilarious and I love her blog.

Meet Holly Manthei.  Read her blog.  Follow her on Twitter.  Thank me later.

One of my favorite posts by Holly.

The Week In Mindsilt
Monday:
I recapped the weekend, compared LeBron James to Darth Vader, saw a good movie and might possibly have been naked.

Tuesday:
I wondered if it was just me or…

Thursday:
I put up a very late post about pH.

Tweet of the Week
From thesulk:
“Wanna listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers?” “No, I’m just going hit the laundromat with an auctioneer.”

See it here.

Blog Post of the Week
From The Oatmeal:
6 Reasons to Ride a Polar Bear to Work


Video of the Week
Dance, male cheerleader, dance!



From the Mindsilt Archives
Some Random Thoughts from 2005.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Did Something Good

One day you take an improv class on a whim and you talk one of your friends into doing it with you.  Your friend hates it and quits but you love it and keep going.  You get hired to perform with the company you’re taking classes with and you start doing shows.  You and a few of your friends realize that you could run your own theater company, so you do it.  You hire more people.  Some leave, some stick around.  The ones that stick around become your friends.  In fact, they become more than your friends.  They become your family.  A surprising little hilarious family.

You’re very proud of this little family you’ve helped create and this family may be struggling financially, but all you need is love.  And you love it.  Then something great happens.  Your family wins a grant for $20,000.  But that’s not even the best part.  The best part is the celebration.  The best part is hearing your family tell you how much this little group means to them.  It’s hearing all the stories your family tells about how this little group has changed their life.  It’s realizing that you did something to help good people and you didn’t even know you were doing it.

Thank you, pH.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Is It Just Me or...

…do you always have the best hair days when you least need them?

…am I obligated to spell my son’s name “Shaun” instead of “Sean” since my name is “Jeffrey” and not “Geoffrey”?

…is not having to sign up for Groupon (because your wife did) a major benefit of being married?

…is it disappointing that Orbit’s commercials are way better than its gum?

…is calling someone a “real jerk” somehow meaner than calling him an “asshole”?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Weekend Recap

Sports!
LeBron made the easy choice.  For those who wondered if he had the killer instinct, they got their answer.  He’s completed his transformation from Anakin Skywalker to Darth Vader.  I guess that makes Kobe Bryant Luke Skywalker.  Remember when everyone thought he raped someone?  Kobe, not Luke.  Yeah, LeBron pretty much erased all that.

Spain and the Netherlands played the ugliest and least entertaining soccer game of all time yesterday.  Every last bit of interest the World Cup generated in the U.S. was pretty much completely erased by that game.  For all the excitement that the U.S. Men’s National Team generated in the early rounds, Spain and Holland generated twice as much boredom.  Man, that was ugly.  At least the refs didn’t completely fuck it up.  See you in four years, World Cup, it was simultaneously thrilling and frustrating.

Wife!
Dee had the fantastic idea of going out to dinner and seeing a movie this weekend.  You know, a date.  Married people can still go on dates, believe it or not.  Except it doesn’t feel like a date.  It just feels like regular life — in a good way.  There’s no butterflies and you don’t have to wear your best underwear just in case.  Anyway, we went to see Cyrus.  You know how characters in most comedies are more like cartoons than real people?  In Cyrus, the characters are human.  They may be a little more funny than most humans, but they were human.  It’s not just a good comedy, it’s a good movie.  Of course, I like dark humor and when movie makers actually try to entertain you with story instead of special effects.  Unless you wear skinny jeans and Buddy Holly glasses, you’ll probably hate it.

Yesterday my major plan was to stay inside all day and write, work on podcasts and watch the World Cup Final.  Dee then came up with another fantastic idea.  She’s full of them.  She decided that we should walk to Five Guys for some burgers and fries.  Brilliant!  Then she decided that we should also bring Ruthie.  Even brillianter!  The best part of her brilliant idea was that I’m pretty sure the walk completely worked off the calories from those burgers and fries.  In fact, we probably dropped at least three pounds each.  Except for Ruthie.  She had two burgers so she probably gained weight.  Although she did have a Diet Coke, so who knows?

pH!
Do you remember Facebook?  Yeah, it still exists and I’m back on it.  More importantly, my theater company, pH, is on Facebook and we are in a contest to win a bunch of money.  If we get enough votes, we could win $20,000 for our company.  It would put us very close to opening our own theater.  All we have to do is be in the top 200 vote getters in the nation.  Right now, we’re still in the top 200 but the voting ends tomorrow and we could really use your vote.  Click here to vote for us right now and then tell your friends to do the same.  The voting ends tonight.  Can you help a neighbor out?

Laundry!
I did a ton of laundry this weekend.  Every single article of my clothing is clean, which means that I’m naked right now.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Podcast: An Interview with Kayce

This week's interview is with Kayce Alltop, pH's Touring Director.  What does that mean?  You'll just have to listen to find out.  We talk about Kayce's favorite shows and her delightfully disgusting pHrenzy pHucked character, Rainbow Brite.  It's definitely worth a listen.

Enjoy.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Thoughts on LeBron James

Tonight, LeBron James will announce which team he will choose to play for next year (and several years after).  There has been a ton of shit flying around the Internet about what he might or might not do.  Here are my thoughts.


  • If he chooses to stay in Cleveland, he will become Kevin Garnett.  He’ll continue to be the best player in the league who doesn’t have a championship.  Eventually, he’ll have to find another team to latch on to at the end of his career if he wants to win a championship.  Cleveland hasn’t made a real effort to get the players it takes to win a championship in the seven years he’s been there.  What makes anyone think they’ll suddenly start now?
  • If he goes to Miami, he has proven that he definitely does not deserve to fill Michael Jordan’s shoes.  He’s afraid.  He doesn’t have enough confidence in himself to believe that he could win a championship without two of the biggest stars in the league.  He’s practically admitting that he can’t do what Kobe Bryant just did with the Lakers.  Aside from Kobe, who on the Lakers is better than Carlos Boozer, Derrick Rose or Amar’e Stoudemire?  Plus, Miami is Dwayne Wade’s team.  He’d be going to Miami to help Dwayne Wade win his 2nd championship, not win his first.
  • No matter where he goes, he’s going to continue to be super rich.  It will just be a matter of degree.  He needs to think about his legacy.  Does he want to be remembered as one of the best ever?  If so, what will it take?  It will take multiple championships.  It will take multiple championships won with the team riding (mostly) on his back.  Look at Kobe.  He’s won two without Shaq and a bunch of good, well coached players.  LeBron won’t win multiple championships in Cleveland — if he wins any at all.  He may win multiple championships in Miami, but it will be on Wade’s team.  He needs to go somewhere else and win his own championships to have the legacy he wants.
  • With Wade, James and Bosh on the same team, the only reason to watch the NBA would be to see them dominate everyone or watch them implode because they all can’t take 30 shots per game.  Sure, the Celtics made it work with Garnett, Pierce and Allen but those three guys are in the twilight of their careers and all they had left to do was finally win a championship.  Wade, James and Bosh are still in their prime.  Who’s going to give in?  It’s going to have to be Wade or James because they’ll need Bosh’s points inside.
  • This whole process has been extremely depressing as a fan of a small market team (the Indiana Pacers).  Even if the Pacers had enough cap room to sign one of these guys, it would never happen.  No one wants to play in cities like Indianapolis or Milwaukee.  Forget about Salt Lake City; it’s practically a dry town.  They just won’t have the same opportunities for endorsement deals and the kind of nightlife players want.  The only hope for small markets is the draft and a considerable amount of luck.


I implore you, LeBron, make it interesting.  Go somewhere besides Miami or Cleveland.  Then you can be the man who made the NBA relevant again.

When You Say ... I hear ...

When you say: 
“I live in the moment.”
I hear: 
“I make a lot of bad decisions because I don’t think about things before I do them.”



When you say:
“It is what it is.”
I hear:
“I don’t actually want to use my brain.”


When you say:
“It was meant to be.”
I hear:
“Nothing matters because everything is predetermined and we’re just playing out the script.”


When you say:
“It could be worse.”
I hear:
“Your feelings are illegitimate.”


When you say:
“Stop being an asshole.”
I hear:
“If I keep doing this, it will eventually be funny.”

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Bachelorette - Episode #7 - A Review

This week Ali and the five guys jetted off to Lisbon, Portugal.  Lisbon is best known as the birthplace of the grilled cheese sandwich.  It’s also the place the cast seems least excited to visit.  Maybe it’s because the pressure is on.  The guys who get roses this week get to take Ali home to meet their parents which means that Stephen will be forced to make fun of people who really didn’t want to be on TV in the first place.

I wish everyone would stop saying “five guys” because it’s making me hungry for burgers.

1-on-1 Date, Roberto
Why does Ali’s hair always look terrible?  Is that a thing now?  Is terrible hair the new good hair?

Ali and Roberto just walked around Lisbon and snapped photos.  Roberto reveals why he never made it to the majors — he doesn’t even have the hand-eye coordination to take a decent photo of Ali jumping off a bench.  At one point Ali said “If Roberto and I were together, this is what it would be like.”  Guess what, this is what it is like.  Does anyone on this show actually enjoy the moments they have on the show or are they too focused on what might happen next?

After the impromptu photo session, they got on the most boring roller coaster ever.  It slowly wound it’s way through the streets of Lisbon.  It may have been a trolley.  They ended up having some sort of dinner on the ruins of some steps where Ali had to cover her legs with a blanket because her skirt was so short all of Lisbon would have seen her cooch.

Ali is reveling in the fact that the guys have to gush over her and be demonstrative while she can continue to keep all of her thoughts to herself and internalize her trust issues.  Which brings me to…
I have a confession.  After I read Stephen’s review, I went back and watched the Rated-R portion of last week’s episode.  I couldn’t miss the Earth shaking revelation that Rated-R had a girlfriend at home.  My question: Why didn’t any of the remaining guys express concern over how Ali handled the whole thing?  It doesn’t bode well for their future relationships that she passive-aggressively called him out in front of everyone.

2-on-1 Date, Frank and Ty
The elusive Portugese Deer
The return of the helicopter.  Is it just me or has it been at least one episode since we’ve had a helicopter date?  It’s good to have it back.  It may be our most interesting character.  After the helicopter dropped them off (so long, helicopter, we’ll miss you), they made their way to a large unnamed castle.  On the way — make sure you’re sitting down — they saw a deer.  Oh.  My.  God.  In Portugal.  A deer!

Ali, Frank and Ty then shared an awkward dinner during which they only talked about how awkward it was.  Also, are we to believe that the restaurant wasn’t a TV set?  That didn’t look anything like a restaurant.  Watch it again.  I’m pretty sure it’s the Seinfeld set repainted.  In order to break the awkwardness, she pulled Ty away to ask him about his divorce and his “traditional values.”  When Ali says “traditional values” I think she actually means “traditional values” not “anti-gay” like when politicians say “traditional values.”  Frank took the opportunity during his alone time to mention that he lives at home with his parents.  He was wise to not mention his World of Warcraft account.  He managed to make it a bigger deal than it needed to be and still played it into sympathy from Ali.  Is there anything she doesn’t fall for?  Then they were suddenly sitting in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

1-on-1 Date, Kirk
All the date card read was: “Once upon a time.”  What is this?  The DiVinci Code?  How is he supposed to know what to wear?

Ali claimed to be preoccupied during the date.  Really?  Her brain can handle two things at once?  Plus, she’d already gone out on her date with Roberto so she’s just not into the rest of them.  They should always save his dates for last.

She and Kirk took a horse and carriage ride to some old castle and neither of them had the vocabulary to describe it.

Eventually, Ali and Kirk had a dinner that was even more awkward than the date with Frank and Ty.  Ali admitted, “I’m just worried that I won’t be good enough for you one day.”  That’s the deal, Ali.  There are no guarantees.  This is love, not Kmart.  After dinner, they walked to some steps where they are serenaded by a lady dressed like a Muppet.  It was probably the most romantic moment ever on the Bachelorette.

1-on-1 Date, Chris
He and Ali hopped on a scooter and drove really, really slowly.  It even looked slow.  They should have just walked.  Eventually, they arrived at their destination and Ali said, “It sounds like your whole family just messes around together.”  Who knew she was into incestual orgies?

For dinner, they went to a winery.  Prior to the date, Chris promised that his funny, charming self would be there.  Instead, he brought his serious, boring self who said things like, “I like the way we’ve talked.”  Then he gave her a bracelet and attempted to put it on her.  It was as awkward as a trying to pin a corsage on your prom date’s strapless dress.

The Rose Ceremony
They reminded us several times that the recipients of these roses would get the all important hometown dates where Ali gets to meet their parents.  So you know, absolutely nothing was on the line once again.  Ali gave roses to everyone but Ty.  I guess spotting deer is not a trait she’s looking for in a man.

My roses go to:

  • Frank — for looking pissed that Ty spotted the deer before him and then acting like it was no big deal.
  • Chris — for being the most awkward and frantic kisser in the world.
  • Ali — for perfecting the pouty face she uses when she has to send someone home.
  • Steve Gadlin — for only addressing the men from a distance of 20 feet or more.
  • Kirk — for successfully going back to the “I had a horrible mold disease” well a second time.


Update on Jake and Vienna’s Breakup
Jake’s explanation: “I went away and then I was on the cover of five magazines.”
Vienna’s explanation: “He emotionally abused me.”
Then they called each other liars the entire time.  They’re both right.  Listen, I don’t care about these assholes.  I don’t know why they had to shove them in my face during this show.  It was the most worthless half hour of television I’ve ever seen.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Podcast: An Interview with Aaron

It's Podcast Friday, everyone!  This week I interview Aaron Ellsworth, another pH cast member.  Do you notice a pattern?  That's right, I'm interviewing the cast of pH but I'm pretty sure I've told you that already.  Aaron has been with pH for over six years and we've loved every minute of it.  I can only hope you'll enjoy every minute of this.


Thursday, July 01, 2010

Are You Out of Time?

Are you really busy?  I sure am.

Do you ever wish there were more hours in the day?  Lot of people do, but they’re thinking about it the wrong way.  You can’t get any more hours in the day.  Everyone knows that.  We don’t need more hours in the day, we need more days in the year.  Why aim low?  Let’s add days.  In fact, I propose that we add a whole month.  We’ll call it Junly (pronounced June-lie) and we’ll insert it right between June and July.  Brilliant, right?

I know what you’re thinking.  If we add four weeks to the year, that’s four more weeks that we’ll have to work.  Wrong.  There will be a national holiday right in the middle of Junly.  It will be between Junly 12th and 13th and it will be called the Twelverteenth of Junly.  We will celebrate time zones, Daylight Savings Time and other artificial constructs that we impose upon time.  The celebration will carry over to the 13th which just happens to be the Ides of Junly (as the Nones will be the 5th so we don’t ruin the poem).  Why will we also celebrate the Ides of Junly?  Because that’s the day sex was invented.  I think you’ll know what to do to celebrate.

I’ve thought of everything.  There is absolutely no reason this can’t happen.  I’ve checked the Internet and we’re all clear.

Call your Senator.  It’s time to get some time back.