Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Bachelor Pad Episode #2 - A Review

This week the Padistanis are in the exact same place they will always be — the Bachelor Pad.  We open with the fallout from the previous week’s Rose Ceremony.  Crazy Elizabeth tells Kovacs (guy Jesse) that she will do damage control on her end.  She has convinced him that being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone.  I think Jesse B may have said something about strategy but Natalie’s tongue was in the way.

The Challenge — Pie Eating Contest
Guess who?
This episode’s challenge is a pie eating contest.  Two roses are up for grabs.  One for the guys, one for the girls.  The twist is that they can’t use their hands.  To eat the pies, not grab the roses.

The ladies are up first.  Krisily bows out of the competition because she left her gallbladder at home.  I guess she needed more room for shoes.  The girls prepare for the contest by taking their shirts off and we are bombarded with a faceless boob parade.  Thanks, camera guys.  The girls dig in and are immediately revolted.  Delicate, delicate Tenley even started crying or maybe she’s always crying, I can’t tell.  About half way through buckets were brought out as nearly every single one of the girls puked.  It reminded me of the night I proposed to my wife and she got food poisoning.  True story.  Needless to say, I was turned on.  Tenley even puked into her pie and kept eating, but it wasn’t enough to keep Gia, the swimsuit model, from winning.

As the guys geared up for the contest, Weatherman looked worried.  I thought he was going to pull a Tenley and start crying.  When I saw his face, I immediately recognized him as the kid that was always picked last for kickball but also couldn’t make up for it with his brains.  The guys dove in, took about three bites and almost immediately gave up.  Craig even resorted to soaking up the pie with his hair.  Of course, the Weatherman won by washing the pie away with his tears.

Post-Challenge Scheming
Once the roses had been won, the scheming began.  Gia and the Weatherman discussed the situation in the house and introduced us to the “Insiders” and “Outsiders.”  The Outsiders include: Gia, Weatherman, Craig, Nikki, Krisily, Peyton and probably some others.  The Insiders include: Dave, Kyptin, Tenley, Elizabeth, Jesse B, Kovacs, Ashley and seemingly the rest of the house.  Anyway, Gia and the Weatherman decide they need to use their dates to turn people to their side and save people with their roses.  If they pull it off, they will have all the power in the house.  Easy as pie.  Puked on pie.

The First Date — Weatherman, Gwen, Peyton, Ashley
Weatherman chooses the three girls who haven’t hooked up with anyone in the house.  Suddenly everyone realizes that he’s not as dumb as he looks.  The tiny little wheels in everyone’s heads start spinning…

The Weatherman and his ladies are shipped off to an art studio to paint—with their bodies.  Weatherman emerges in a Speedo and all the girls immediately begin talking about how funny he is.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  Everyone gets messy and the girls talk about how Weatherman is such a good sport.  No sparks at all.  The Weatherman is the little brother, but he knows it.  Instead of trying to romance the girls, he tries to convince Peyton and Ashley to join his side.  However, he takes Gwen up to the roof because he’s not interested in “talking strategy” with her.  He feels a connection with her.  Unfortunately, Gwen doesn’t feel the same way, but she doesn’t tell him.  She gets the rose.  I’ll say it right now: Gwen is a sneaky good player.  She’s going to boring her way through this show.

The Second Date — Gia, Wes, Craig, Jesse B
Gia decides to play the puppet master and choose her dates so that she can secure her place in the house.  There’s absolutely no way this will backfire.  There’s no way the rest of the house will ever pick up on this.  Give her the money right now.

They don’t even try to pretend that the date is anything more than a chance for them to scheme as they are taken to a tent in a park.  I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll ever see Helicopter ever again.  I miss you Helicopter.

Gia immediately grabs Craig and tells him that she is going to give him the rose.  She fills him in on the plan and he is on board 100%.  I’m telling you, give her the money.  She’s got this locked down.  Jesse then falls all over himself to do whatever Gia asks him to do.  He tells her that it will be no problem at all when it comes time to send Natalie home and he admits to Gia that he’s got a huge crush on her.  Just call it off.  Locked down.  Seriously.

Then Gia meets with Wes.  Wes doesn’t even try to talk strategy.  He just drunkenly rambles about what a great girl she is and that under different circumstances he would be with her.  She says the same thing.  Uh oh.  Could she be losing her hold on the game?

She gives the rose to Wes and loses her hold on the money in the process.  She justifies it by saying, “I made the morally right choice.”  Do you think your boyfriend would think you made the morally right choice?  Maybe she doesn’t know what “morally” means.

Post-Date Scheming
Crazy Elizabeth immediately begins scheming and Kovacs finally decides that he’s going to use her crazy to his advantage by getting her to work for him.  Unfortunately, he’s forgotten that crazy can’t be contained.  This will backfire on him.

From out of nowhere, Jesse (the girl) decides to do some scheming of her own.  She works on David to try to keep herself in the game.  She does this the only way she knows how—by making out with him.  What she doesn’t know is that Krisily is creepily watching them make out.  Krisily then springs into action and tells Kovacs that Jesse (the girl) is playing them.  Still with me?  Hell, I’m not even with me.

Our prime suspect.
In other news, Jesse B decides that he needs to let Natalie know that it’s time to break up because he wants to hook up with Gia.  No doubt a brilliant move.  Gia then tries to make up for her rose mistake by convincing the girls to vote of Kyptin.  What?  Where is this coming from?  Anyway, this causes Kyptin to grab the ugly one and convince her to keep him on the show.  He pulls the I’m-not-going-to-try-to-convince-you-and-that’s-how-I’m-going-to-convince-you routine.  She agrees because someone is finally talking to her.

Suddenly they cut to Elizabeth scheming with two other girls who I’ve never seen on the show before.  When Elizabeth says things like, “If you deceive the trust of your own, you’re next,” you believe her because her crazy shines through.  “You’re next,” could mean that she’s going to kill you.  I won’t be happy until we see an attempted murder on this show.

The Rose Ceremony
Going in to the rose ceremony, the outsider girls are certain that they have succeeded in voting out Kyptin and they are all looking quite smug.  The guys have chosen to vote out either Krisily or Jesse S.  We don’t know which and we don’t really care.  In the end, Kyptin and Krisily are awarded the final roses which means Craig and Jesse S are sent home.  Now only six Jesses remain.

The girls are shocked.  They slowly begin to realize that they have a traitor in their midst.  I made it sound way more dramatic than it actually was.

My roses go to…

  • Gia — for berating the Weatherman for not sticking to the plan and then doing exactly what she berated him for.
  • Tenley — for eating her own puke.
  • Kovacs — for thinking he’s got Crazy Elizabeth under control.  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • Gwen — for milking her role as the “safe” girl.
  • Jesse B — for dropping Natalie the very instant Gia showed even the slightest interest.

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