Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Bachelor Pad Episode #4 - A Review

We are once again treated to the entire group arguing in the living room that is only used for post-Rose Ceremony arguing.  On a show where everything is staged, even this is too much.  There’s absolutely no reason for everyone to voluntarily congregate in one room.  David is pissed that Wes put him in a position to make the decision to send Gia home.  Natalie displays her feeble grasp of life in general by beginning a sentence with, “I think we can all agree…”  Wes cuts her off by saying, “Can we stop bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses?”  You know, like a big human smoke-blowing Ouroboros.  

The doorbell rings during the fight because even the producers know this little pow-wow is stupid.  Each of the Padistanis are delivered surveys and told to keep their answers confidential.  And so begins the first portion of our competition…

The Competition — Telling the Truth (Kinda)
Secretly Evil
Chris Harrison claims that this contest is all about telling the truth, but it’s more about who’s willing to be the biggest dick.  The producers have tabulated the results of the surveys.  Some really skinny girl with enormous teeth reads the questions, and everyone must write down on a notecard who they think the majority of the Padistanis chose as the answer to the question.  The first guy and girl to answer four questions correctly wins a rose.

First Question: Who do most of you believe is going to win?
Boring.  The majority answered Kiptyn and most people got a point on this one.  My question: Why wasn’t this a thirteen way tie between all of them?  Shouldn’t they all have voted for themselves?

My answer: Mindsilt readers.

Second Question: Who is your biggest enemy?
Still kinda boring.  All the guys guess Wes because they are too dumb to realize that there are more girls than guys.  The majority answer is Krisily.  A bunch of girls get a point.

My answer: Whoever has kidnapped Helicopter.

Third Question: Who is the most shallow?
Okay, now it’s getting interesting.  Except that this is like asking male figure skaters who is the most gay.  The guys choose Krisily but the girls choose Elizabeth and they all earn a point.  I’d say Elizabeth looked shocked but she’s too shallow to register emotion.

My answer: Toothy Skinny Girl reading the questions. (Who the hell is she and why is she here?)

Fourth Question: Who is the dumbest?
Now we’re in the heart of downtown Meanieopolis.  Everyone but Tenley chooses Natalie.  Even Natalie wrote down her own name like she was proud of it (both writing her name and for being voted dumbest).  The majority chose Gwen and because Tenley also chose Gwen, she earns her fourth point and the rose.  Kiptyn immediately goes into mail-it-in mode.

My answer: Me, for watching this show.

Now only the guys still have to answer.  Kovacs and Wes are tied with two points, Jesse B has one and David and Kiptyn have zero.

Fifth Question: Who do you secretly have a crush on?
Is this fourth grade?  What kind of question is this?  They should have gone for ugliest.  Everyone guesses David and David is the correct answer.  Even David guessed David—because he has a crush on himself.  Wes voted for a girl because he’s bad at math.

My answer: Helicopter.  It’s not much of a secret, though.

Sixth Question: Who will be a bridesmaid but never a bride?
Everyone but Kovacs votes for Natalie because she’s a big, slutty flirt.  Even her secret man David votes for her.  Now she’s hurt.  She’s proud to be dumb but not proud to be slutty?  C’mon, she bragged in the first episode that she’s willing to make out with anyone.

My answer: The Weatherman.

Jesse B, Kovacs and Wes are tied with 3 points.

Seventh Question: Who is considered to be the biggest jerk by the group?
Everyone guesses Wes—except for Wes.  How could he not know?  He has absolutely zero self-awareness.  Wes is out and Jesse B and Kovacs are tied with 4 points each.

My answer: Wes.  Clearly Wes.

Eighth Question: Who has the worst boob job?
Kovacs is torn because he knows that everyone answered Elizabeth but he can’t answer Elizabeth because she’ll knife him.  He goes with Krisily.  Has she even had a boob job?  Jesse B guesses Elizabeth and wins the rose.

My answer: David.

The Fallout
Natalie runs to the shower to hide and cry.  She is consoled by Gwen in what has to be the least sexy shower scene ever.  David can’t console her because they are hiding their relationship.  I can only assume he went somewhere to lift weights.

Elizabeth closes herself in a closet.  This is what the show makes you do.  Hide in weird places to cry.  Kovacs consoles her by telling her she’s not shallow.  How does he know she’s not upset about the bad boob job?  I’m pretty sure it’s more about the boob job.  He decides that he need to tell her about how he feels.  Doesn’t he know how crazy girls work?  As soon as you tell them you like them, they are done with you.  Can I change my “dumbest” vote?

The First Date — Tenley, Kiptyn
Kiptyn pretends to be surprised that Tenley picks him.  Tenley is freakishly excited about the date.  She says, “This is a one-on-one date.  I’m not sharing it with any other guys.”  So that’s what “one-on-one” means.

Helicopter!  Oh, Helicopter!  You’re back to whisk Tenley and Kiptyn off to an island date!  To Catalina!  They must be going to the fuckin’ Catalina Wine Mixer.  I’ve missed you, Helicopter!  Don’t ever leave me again.

Tenley and Kiptyn kiss.  After the kiss Tenley says, “You made my heart beat fast.”  She speaks like she’s reading from a third grade reading book.

They have a late night dinner on the beach.  Kiptyn and Tenley decide they want to be together.  She’s nervous about giving him the rose because she hasn’t “been with a man since Jake broke my heart.”  Does that mean she’s been with women?  Is there video?  They choose to go to the Fantasy Suite to “take their relationship to the next level.”  In Tenley speak that means sexual intercourse.

The Second Date — Jesse B, Peyton
Jesse and Peyton head to the airport.  Are we going to get a double dose of Helicopter?  No, but we do get Biplane!  Almost as good as Helicopter.  

Jesse B decides it’s time to  kick it in to full douchebag mode.  

Jesse gives Peyton the rose as soon as they sit down for dinner.  He then proceeds to speak in only one syllable words for the rest of the night.  When they cut to Peyton’s interview she talks about how gorgeous he is and then kinda trails off when she has to list other good things about him.  Jesse’s idea of a compliment is, “Your eyes are awesome.”  So romantic.  Then Jesse gets weird.  He puts his finger up her nose.  Her NOSE.  He should know better than to try to finger-bang her nose on the second date.  That’s more like five date territory.  

Peyton turns down the Fantasy Suite with the hottest guy on the show.  That’s how bad he was.

Post-Date Scheming
Gwen and Krisily are on the “chopping block.”  People say “chopping block” way too much on this show.  Krisily works on Ashley and Peyton to send Kovacs home.  Kovacs and Wes work on their crews to keep themselves in the game.  Wes keeps talking about how “it makes the most strategic sense” to keep him in the game.  It makes the most strategic sense for him to keep him in the game, but it doesn’t make the most sense for anyone else.  Can I change my “dumbest” vote again?  

Krisily corners David and gets him to agree to keep her safe.  However, Kiptyn isn’t convinced that Gwen is the right vote.  He convinces David and Kovacs to vote for Krisily.  

Side note: I’m shocked that Kovacs ever gets his tie tied.  He was butchering that knot.  

The Rose Ceremony
The four people pegged for elimination are Gwen, Krisily, Wes and Kovacs.  Why haven’t the girls ever brought up David?  He’s running this show right now.  I’m changing my “dumbest” vote.  

Krisily and Wes go home.  Krisily gives a little speech about how she was betrayed by David.  David said that he, “felt sorry for her because she embarrassed herself and showed her true colors.”  Not because he screwed her by lying to her face.

My roses go to…
  • Ashley — for not appearing in this episode.
  • Chris Harrison — for implicitly condoning this week’s competition by participating in it and yet pretending to be a great guy.
  • Dancing With the Stars — for putting together the least interesting cast ever.  Who the hell is Kyle Massey?
  • Peyton — for playing out of her league and walking away.
  • Tenley — for oozing desperation.


  1. "finger-bang her nose". my favorite part of this review. well done.

  2. Dee! You stole my comment! I love "finger bang". Brilliant! I also love how DWTS was thrown back in. A little foreshadowing and not-so-subtle plug for his future reviews of that show as well.