Thursday, September 30, 2010

How To Run a Meeting

Is there a word for the moment you realize that you’re good at something because you’re watching someone else completely fuck it up?  I ask for two reasons: 1) I’m too lazy to do an Internet search.  2) This happens to me all the time.  I’m good at a lot of things and other people are terrible at a lot of things.  I could make a list of all the things I’m awesome at but no one has an attention span that long. (Oh my, that’s an awfully long attention span.  Tee hee.)  Instead, I’ll talk about one of those moments I had recently.

In real life (because this blog isn’t real life) I’m a project manager.  I spend a lot of time running meetings.  I know that I’m pretty good at running meetings, but I didn’t realize how good until last week.  I called into a meeting scheduled to be an hour long.  One hundred minutes later, the meeting ended.  Now, I should have bailed out at the 60 minute mark but I was morbidly curious.  I wanted to witness the new and inventive ways the guy running the meeting would come up with to make the meeting longer and let it spin even further out of control.  It was like being at a clinic for how not to run a meeting. 

Since I’m so good at running meetings, I thought I’d share with you my tips for running a good meeting:

1) Remember that people hate meetings.  Ask yourself if the meeting is really necessary.  Could you take care of the issue with an email or phone conversation?  If so, do that.  Don’t waste everyone’s time in a meeting.  The best meeting is the one that's never held.

2) Ask yourself if you really need a full hour.  Chances are everything could be discussed in thirty minutes — especially if you stay on topic.  You almost never need a full hour for a meeting.

3) Create and publish an agenda prior to the meeting.  Everyone should know what is being discussed so that they can come prepared.

4) Stick to the agenda.  Do not stray no matter how interesting the topic might be.  You can always have another discussion about that super interesting (but probably not important) topic later.  I can’t stress how important this is.

5) Do not be afraid to cut people off.  If they are not staying on topic, stop them.  Everyone else will appreciate you not letting someone else waste their time.  Don’t be a dick, but be firm.

6) Finish before the allotted time.  If you follow the first five tips, this will be no problem.  Everyone will love you for giving them some time back and they’ll want to come to your meetings in the future.  This means you have to start on time.

7) Take notes and publish them after the meeting.  Do this however you like.  Create some kind of issues log that people can review.  This way the things you discussed in the meeting will continue to exist outside the meeting and everyone will be held accountable.

8) Don’t schedule meetings at 4pm on Friday.  No one wants to go to a meeting then and no one will be paying attention.  It’s best to wait until Monday.  Also, don’t schedule meetings at 9am on Mondays for the same reason.  People aren’t ready yet.

That’s how you run a freaking meeting.  Awesome, right?  Not really…  I know, I know.

Great.  Now I’m sad because I’m bragging about how good I am at running meetings.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 2 - A Review

At the top of the show we discover that we will be Hoff-less for the rest of the season.  Part of me is disappointed that the chance of this show folding in upon itself due to cheese overload has been reduced to zero.  The other part of me is watching the Bears-Packers game.

I am excited to see how they try to solve the Brooke Burke problem.  I hope it was a brain transplant.  Failing that, I expect her to be replaced by the robot from the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Rick Fox
Rick decides that we need to see his nasty, scarred foot so that he has a built in excuse.  Thank God I’d already finished dinner.  I can only assume this is a prelude to him crumpling to the floor in a heap.
He did not crumple to the floor in a heap.  He did dance the Jive like he was doing his Chewbacca impression.  The judges like Chewbacca.

My score: Wwwweeerrrrgggggghhhaaannnnaaahhhhh!

Florence Henderson
She’s been assigned the Quickstep and the strangest partner ever.  She immediately reminds us that she’s 76 years old and complains about trying to remember everything.  Way to play up the stereotype.  Then she flips off the camera.  Way to bust the stereotype.  I *middle-finger* you too, Florence.

My score: Obscenities! 

Brandy has been given the pro that fights with everyone.  And yet, he doesn’t think that he’s an asshole.  Though, Brandy is not a good dancer so I can’t really blame him. 

You know how people half-ass things when they think they are too cool?  Brandy half-asses things but thinks she’s dancing her ass off.  Then she stood around and waved her arms during her “solo.”
This is fixed.  The judges think there are certain people with potential and they give those people high scores regardless of their dance.  For some reason they think Brandy is good. 

My score: I thought this was about talent.

Michael Bolton
He has laryngitis, no rhythm and he’s whiny.  Is there any doubt that he’ll be the next to go?  This is one of moments when I’m acutely aware that this suckatude is filling up prime time television.  This is the worst attempt at entertainment I’ve seen on TV.  When I go to see a community theater show, I expect to see something like this.  When I’m watching prime time television, I expect something that approaches actual entertainment.

Brooke Burke lived up to the terrible performance by asking, “What was the thinking behind the dog character?”  They danced to “Hound Dog.”  That was the thinking.  Is she deaf, too?

One judge gave him a three.  Three.

My score: We’re going to have to live without you.

Audrina Patridge
“I’m sacrificing everything for this show.”  What exactly is she sacrificing?  Does she have a job?  Does she have children?  Or does she mean that she’s literally performing ritual sacrifices of anything she can find? 

The judges loved her dance.  I know I should think that this girl is sexy, but I don’t.  Seeing her naked would be like seeing an undressed mannequin.

Her partner pledged that he would wax his legs if the dance didn’t get all eights.  They got two eights and a seven.  This will only be interesting if they make him wear hot pants next week.

My score: Welcome to Old Navy!

Jennifer Grey
While rehearsing they reveal that Jennifer had cancer around her spine on her neck.  She plays it off like it’s no big deal because she was saving all of her drama for showing us how exhausting the Quickstep is.

This isn’t even fair.  She already knows how to dance.  She’s so far ahead of everyone else it’s not even funny.  Her choreography was so much harder than everyone else and she nailed it.  Our only hope is that all of her dramatics will turn everyone off and people won’t vote for her.

After Jennifer Grey and her partner got their scores, the crowd began booing.  Then we cut to the main, competent host interviewing Sarah Palin.  Draw your own conclusions.

My score: I carried a watermelon.

Margaret Cho
Last week everyone avoided Margaret Cho like the plague after the show.  She claims it was because everyone thought she was going home.  It was really because they didn’t want to have to look at her in that dress.  Or they just don’t like her.

I hate that I know this, but Margaret’s partner is the best instructor in the group.  He gets challenging partners and he gets the most out of them.  I take back what I said about her being able to dance.  She can’t dance.  I was fooled by those weird, flappy wing things she had last week — and I don’t mean her arms.

My score: Quit your day job, but not because you’re a good dancer.  You’re not.

Kyle Massey
Kyle Massey loves himself some Kyle Massey.  I think he’s the only one.  Oh wait, did he just make a joke about being fat?  How original and charming.  I’m sure the whole world has changed their mind on Kyle Massey now. 

Every time I think the band can’t get any worse, they surprise me.  I’m not sure the singer was ever in tune — even by accident.  In fact, I’m not even sure that was an actual song. 

My score: Two sides of fries.

Kurt Warner
I stand corrected.  The band just got worse again.  I believe they were attempting to play “Danger Zone.”  I’m guessing based on the fact that I think I heard the singer say (not sing, say) “danger zone.”  The band is setting new records for awful. 

The problem with Kurt Warner is that once you establish yourself as boring, you are always boring.  Even at your most exciting you are completely boring.  He does realize that he doesn’t have to give canned answers to everyone he talks to like he’s giving a post-game interview, right?

I’m confused.  The judges loved his dance even though he couldn’t find the beat to save his life.

My score: Post-concussion syndrome?

The SituationI have never seen The Jersey Shore and if this guy is the star, I can’t imagine that it’s any good.  He seems like a good kid.  A little cheesy, but a good kid.  He tries hard but he’s a terrible dancer.  Absolutely awful.  He dances like he’s on an ice rink with dress shoes.  He’s sliding and crashing into everything.

I think Dancing With the Stars is going to ask for their money back.  Where’s the outrageous guy they thought they were getting?

My score: 5.7

Bristol Palin
She takes her partner to Alaska to meet her mom.  He was about as excited to meet her as you would imagine.  Are the producers going to try to squeeze Sarah Palin into every one of Bristol’s lead-ins?  That might be the only way to keep her segments interesting. 

Unfortunately, Bristol isn’t a bad dancer so we’ll probably be subjected to Sarah and pregnant teens for several more weeks.  By the way, does Bristol take credit for any teenager she sees that isn’t pregnant?

My score: Birth control!


Monday, September 27, 2010

My Pledge To Remain Single

About five years ago I made a decision.  Well, I made a lot of decisions but one big one.  After a series of strange relationships and failed dates I decided that I would remain single for the rest of my life.  I didn’t plan to shun all women or stop dating completely.  I just realized that the chances of me finding a person to happily spend the rest of my life with were not very good.  So I stopped looking for that person.  I just went about my life and if the chance to date a woman presented itself, I would do so but I would have no expectations that it would evolve into anything lasting.

You know what?  It’s worked out pretty well for me.

I’ve stuck to my pledge, mostly.  I did make one exception, but that’s only because the girl was cool and funny and beautiful.  I’m referring to my wife, Dee.  She’s pretty awesome so you can see why I would make such an exception, but that’s the only exception I’ve made.  Otherwise, I’ve stayed completely single and I’m completely fine with it.  In fact, I’m pretty darn happy.

Who says you need someone else to be happy?


Friday, September 24, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Look at us strolling down the Internet hand in hand on a Friday.  Oh!  What’s that?  Is that the…  Well, yes it is.  The Friday Roundup.  Let’s check it out, shall we?

Check This Out
Remember when I wrote about Space Robbers?  I bet you do because you have a great memory.  Anyway, the star of Space Robbers has always been Sean.  He and his fiancĂ©e have their own blog called Frakking Shiny where they write about the things they love.  Sometimes (like on Wednesday) they write about how they hate the people who are ruining the things they love.

This Week in Mindsilt
I gave you some random updates on Football, Facebook and Sex.

I reviewed the premiere of Dancing With the Stars.

I trumpeted the heroes that are the people that put out the free candy bowls.

Tweet of the Week
From Alec Sulkin:
“Therapist just left a .38 on the coffee table and walked out.  I think I get it.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives
After my thirtieth birthday I wondered why I wasn’t rich yet.

Video of the Week

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Free Candy

Every office has one.  One good person that decides to make office life more tolerable by putting out a bowl full of candy for everyone.  God bless those people.  They don’t get the thanks they deserve.  Good thing I’m here to rectify that problem.

Why the free candy bowl person in your office is awesome:
1) It takes effort to keep that thing stocked.  Once people know about that bowl, it gets abused.
2) People take and take and take and the candy bowl person never gets anything in return.
3) They deal with people who make requests.  “Hey, Joe, where is my favorite candy that you are buying for me?”
4) They deal with people who complain about the current selection.  “Hey, Joe, this free selection of Smarties and Bit-O-Honey sucks.”
5) They bear the guilt of contributing to the fattening of America.

Note: does not condone the eating of candy in any way.  Candy is bad for you.  Candy will kill you.  Then it will come to your house and kill your wife and kids and the family pet.  Then — because Candy can never satisfy its bloodlust — it will hunt down your extended family — especially your cousins once removed — and kill them.  Its weapon of choice?  Diabetes.  Its secondary weapon of choice?  A pitchfork.  It’s tertiary weapon of choice?  A tuning fork.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Premiere - A Review

Should it still be called Dancing With the Stars when the pros are more famous than the stars?  It’s not stopping them this season.  Get ready for the most underwhelming cast in Dancing With the Stars history!

I had forgotten about the awful the Dancing With the Stars band.  I had completely erased them from my brain.  Now they’re back in my life with their terrible covers, overplayed trumpets and strange headbands.  Why do I do this to myself?

This year, they’ve given each star a nickname because no one recognizes their actual names.  Call me Jeff “Glutton for Punishment” Ford.

Audrina “The Hills Hottie” Patridge
I have no idea who this girl is, so I Googled her.  By the way, don’t Google Audrina if you’re at work.  She’s definitely not safe for work.  She’s also not safe for entertainment because she has no personality.  At one point her pro, Tony, tries to get her pumped up by asking her, “Whose floor is this?”  She responds by asking, “Ours?”  It’s the Dancing With the Stars version of “We must protect this house!”

They make her dance to "California Gurls."  Is anyone surprised?  Audrina is supposed to be the eye candy for this season.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t do it for me.

My score: My popsicle is not melting.

Kurt “The Superbowl Success Story” Warner
Kurt is a Super Bowl champion and legendary whipped husband.  I really wish his wife still had her bad flattop haircut.  The dude has seven kids and they’re all by the same wife.  That’s gotta be an NFL record.

Remember Kurt’s interviews after his football games where he would just smile blankly and thank God?  That’s exactly what he looked like the whole time he was dancing.  It didn’t help that they dressed him like Grimace.

My score: Next week, Hamburgler.

Kyle “Disney Channel Dynamo” Massey
Who?  I guess he used to be some kind of Disney Channel star.  Doesn’t he know that this show’s demographic is sixty-year old women?  His Disney Channel fans are all in bed.  Or watching something on the Disney Channel.  However, it seems like he could have a great career playing Forest Whitaker as a child.

My score: John Tesh wasn’t available?

Rick “Basketball’s Foxiest Champion” Fox
They always assign Cheryl Burke the hot athlete.  It’s like they’re trying to fix her up every season.  Haven’t they figured out that hot athletes aren’t her type?

Aerosmith?  Really?  This cheesy band is going to cover "Crazy"?  Welcome to your 1994 high school prom with worse music.  Of course, this is the moment the judges choose to laud the band.  Is he dating the girl from Dollhouse?  They keep showing her and they should continue to do so.

My score: More girlfriend, please.

Margaret “Comedy’s Most Outrageous” Cho
This year’s comedian.  It’s good to see she’s still doing a bad Asian accent.  Her only chance to stick around is to make the viewing audience like her.  Much like Niecy last year.

Why are they dancing to "We are the Champions"?  Who dances to this ever?  Wait a tick.  She can dance.  Margaret Cho can dance.  She looks like she’s crapping her pants while she’s doing it but she can dance.  Good for her.  She took the snark right out of my snark flute.

My score: Did anyone else think she was dead before she appeared on this show?

Brandy “R&B’s Platinum Girl”
I know her.  I recognize her at least.  I’m not exactly sure why she’s a star but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her on television before.  At first I thought she was Raven from That’s So Raven or maybe Martin Lawrence’s girlfriend on Martin.  Based on her nickname, she must be some kind of pop star and therefore this year’s ringer.  Can we pencil her in for the finals?

Can anyone name one of her songs?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

My score: Madonna you’re not.  Get a last name.

Bristol “Alaska’s Most Famous Daughter” Palin
Bristol opens her lead-in by saying, “I’m a public advocate for teen pregnancy prevention.”  She’s great at her job.  No teen is going to want to have sex after seeing her dance.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the judges score her 6-6-6.

My score: The devil is awkward.

Florence “America’s Mom” Henderson
Florence Henderson just flashed her boobs.  Florence Henderson just flashed her boobs.  Her grandma bra-ed boobs.  I need to borrow Elizabeth’s knife to poke out my eyes.  I’m dizzy.  I think her partner is named Corky.  She swears like a sailor at a swearing contest.  She’s going to be my favorite.

My score: What man allows himself to be called Corky?

Michael “The Balladeer” Bolton
He’s determined to show us all that “he can do this.”  You know, because everyone doubts Michael Bolton when they aren’t busy completely forgetting about his existence.  I liked him better when he had a mullet.  By the way, are we sure that he’s not also Kenny G?  Have they ever been in the same room together?

My score: Don’t Google Kenny G, either.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
Casting The Situation on this show doesn’t make any sense.  He can only be less interesting when he’s sober.  Plus, he’s a terrible dancer.  The Situation mumbled something to one of the judges and the old judge fired back, “Did I tell you you’ve got the guns but not the ammunition?”

Did I tell you I’m a doctor but I’ve got no patience?

My score: The Unfortunate Situation

Jennifer “The Original Dirty Dancer” Grey
They make her dance to a song from “Dirty Dancing” so that she can cry about Patrick Swazye.  How does she get to be on this show?  She learned how to dance for “Dirty Dancing.”  Are they that afraid that none of these stars will actually learn how to dance? 

Is she dating Jamie Lee Curtis?  Why are they showing Jamie Lee Curtis?  How long before Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off shows up to watch?

My score: Can we start this Jennifer Grey and Jamie Lee Curtis rumor?

David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff
The perfect fit for this show.  He doesn’t know that cheesy exists.  This show doesn’t know that cheesy exists.  Case in point: He and his partner danced to “Sex Bomb.”  By the way, his partner is a sex bomb.  Unfortunately, he can’t dance at all.  Not one bit.  I can’t wait until they trot him out in red swim trunks and he dances to a Beach Boys song.

By the way, Brooke Burke is the worst co-host of all time.  It’s not even close.

My score: We’re all waiting for him to show up drunk, right?


Monday, September 20, 2010

Random Updatery

I’m sure you’ve noticed that it’s football season.  My favorite time of year.  Well, sometimes.  This football season has not been kind to me so far.  Notre Dame won their opener against Purdue but managed to lose in the last minute against Michigan last week.  This week?  Well, they decided to kick me directly in the balls.  Several times.  They had a chance to put Michigan State away in the first half and couldn’t do it.  Instead, they decided to go to overtime and lose when Michigan State called a fake field goal for a touchdown.  Gutsy call by MSU coach Mark Dantonio (who had a heart attack after the game — I wish him a speedy recovery) which tore out my guts.  Just when I think this Notre Dame team has found the toughest way to lose, they surprise me again.  It’s going to be a long season.  A long season of kicks to the balls.

At least I have the Colts, right?  Not really.  They got steamrolled by the Texans.  Steamrolled.  Arian Foster had 231 rushing yards.  Who?  Exactly.  Nobody McGoo tore up the Colts defense.  Awesome.  (Thankfully, they seem to have recovered a bit as they are up 24-0 against the Giants at halftime as I write this.)

Facebook and Sexual Intercourse
In the last three weeks, I’ve received emails from Facebook like the one below.  The numbers have been different each time, but the fact remains that lots of people have birthdays in September.  It also means that people like to have sexual intercourse in January.  My guess is that people like to have sexual intercourse during all months of the year but they have more unprotected sex in January since it’s too cold to run out and get condoms.

Can someone use the Internet to check when the most STDs are contracted?  I bet it’s January.

The Weather
I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but I’ve been using the native iPhone weather app since I bought my first iPhone.  I know that this will hurt my tech nerd reputation, but it’s true.  I can’t lie to you, Readers.  I finally got sick of the limited information and constantly being dressed inappropriately for all but a few hours of the day.  Now, I get better weather information and I will be properly dressed.

Aren’t you glad you know that?

Am I supposed to know who the hell the dude in the Ford and Lee commercials is?  He calls himself Mike like I should already know that.  As far as I can tell he’s just the dude that does the Ford and Lee commercials. 

I recently received an email that read, “Do customers trust”  I thought, “Good question.”  Then I thought, “I don’t really have customers because no one buys anything from me.”  Then I thought, “But the people that come here to read my random musings for free are my customers.”  Sure, we don’t exchange legal tender but we still complete a transaction.  I write something, you read it.  If it’s not good, you leave disappointed and you might never come back.  If it is good, you leave satisfied and come back for more. 


Do you trust


Friday, September 17, 2010

Friday Roundup

I’m still alive which means the Friday Roundup is still alive.  Since you’re still alive, you’ll be reading today’s Friday Roundup.  Keep moving your eyeballs because there’s some good stuff below.  Especially the video.  The video is really special.

This Week in Mindsilt
I was delayed in posting my review of the finale of The Bachelor Pad.

One sad and lonely post.  I’ll do better next week.

Tweet of the Week
From my buddy Micah:
“So the poverty rate is up. I bet that means the pottery rates are down.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives

Instead of writing about my vacation, I decided to draw about it.

Video of the Week
It’s so cold in the D.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Bachelor Pad Finale - A Review

We’ve come to the end.  This is the last article you will ever read from me.  Until next week when I start reviewing Dancing With the Stars.  You know, instead of watching Monday Night Football.  Please kill me.

Once again, everyone congregates in the angry living room and they all look confused.  You can see them begging the cameramen for something to say.  Even the Padistanis know this little charade is pointless.

The Challenge — Ballroom Dancing
It’s like The Bachelor Pad is taunting me.  They are obviously taking the so-bad-it’s-good theory towards programming by combining the two worst shows on television.  Each couple will learn a ballroom dance routine from one of the pros on Dancing With the Stars.  Can we get the Padistanis to talk about how they love Modern Family while we’re at it?  Let’s just make the whole show a commercial for ABC’s other programming.  It’s better than what we’re actually watching.

Tenley and Kiptyn are assigned the Foxtrot and Chelsea Hightower as their pro.  Is anyone surprised that Tenley has taken tap, ballet and jazz?  Only if you are as dumb as her.  Kiptyn looks as awkward as you would expect.

Before they even meet their pro, Elizabeth tells Kovacs that he needs to concentrate on her otherwise she will stab him it will keep her from focusing.  Naturally, their pro is Edyta — the hot one.  The really hot one.  Kovacs loves it and Elizabeth says, “The first time Edyta touched my man, I started to feel insecure, actually.”  Started?  I think she meant that she felt even more insecure.  She followed that up with, “I don’t feel like I’m as sexy as Edyta.”  You’re not.  Not even close.

David and Natalie are assigned Louis van Amstel and the Cha-Cha.  Louis tries to get them to be sexy.  He asks if they have sex in the house.  I wanted David to ask, “With each other?”  He let me down, just like everything on this show.

The Dancing
I assumed that the three judges would be the same three judges from Dancing With the Stars.  Instead it was the too skinny girl that follows Chris Harrison around, Jake from the last season of The Bachelor and someone named Trista.  They will be judging the dancing on performance, chemistry and effort. 

Kiptyn and Tenley — Foxtrot
Disappointing outfits.  Obviously, they couldn’t get the tailors from Dancing With the Stars with no sense of taste or irony.  Tenley dragged Kiptyn around the dance floor and they even managed to fall over at the end.  Thank god they didn’t make us watch the whole routine.  Yet, they received an eight and two nines for a total of 26 points.  They fell down, judges.  A five should be high.

Kovacs and Elizabeth — Rhumba
As soon as the music started, they both completely forgot the routine.  They just stood there and danced with each other like you dance with your three year old niece at a wedding.  I do more dancing in my sleep.  I used their non-dance time to gear up for twos and threes from the judges.  Instead the judges give them three eights.  WHAT?!  THIS IS NOT YOUTH SOCCER!  EVERYONE DOES NOT GET A TROPHY.  GIVE THEM THE 2s AND 3s THEY DESERVE.  I HATE OUR SOCIETY. 

David and Natalie — Cha Cha
In a move of sheer brilliance, they dressed up David to look exactly like Non from Superman II.  It inspired him to dance like I imagine Non would dance.  You could even see him counting — especially when he completely gave up on the dance.  The judges still come through with a nine and two eights for a total of 25.  Not good enough for the win.

Tenley and Kiptyn win even though they fell down.  I repeat, the winners fell down.  That’s how bad everyone else was.  They have secured their spot in the finals and they get to choose who will join them in the finals.  Oh good.  Now we get to hear Tenley try to articulate how hard the decision will be.

The best part of reality shows is that it forces people to pitch their ineptness as an asset.  Kovacs tells Kiptyn that he would send home David and Natalie because they have been the strongest competitors and that he an Elizabeth have “been terrible.”  Yes, Kovacs, you are terrible but not in the way you think.

The Rose Ceremony
Tenley decides to wear a 90s prom dress for her big decision on who to keep.  Proving that they are sweet but never smart, they choose David and Natalie.  Kovacs and Elizabeth are going home.  Cue the Elizabeth stabbing spree.  What?  No stabbing spree?  Chris Harrison wore his knife-proof vest for nothing? 

In the limo, Elizabeth immediately launches into how she hopes Kovacs can admit that he loves her.  You know, because she knows (knows!) that he loves her.  Kovacs admits that he “has a relationship” with Elizabeth.  Way to commit, buddy. 

The final four are sent home in a similar fashion, only they will meet up at the live finale show in front of a studio audience.

The Studio Show
Where have I seen this before?  Oh yeah, it’s the “After the Final Rose” set.

All of the former Padistanis are invited back to cast their vote for the couple that goes to the final two.  I prayed for a recap of the whole season so that I could flip over to the Ravens-Jets game.  Alas, no.

In the least shocking announcement ever, Elizabeth tells the world that she and Kovacs are no longer together.  The crowd cheers. 

The losing Padistanis get to ask questions of the final two couples before they make their decision.  Every single question begins with, “It hurt my feelings when…”  Boo fuckin’ hoo.  No one is entitled to recompense for every little slight they’ve suffered.  Grow up.  The questions are stupid and irrelevant.  Michelle goes way out on a limb and tells Tenley that she will not vote for her.  Tenley then mumbles some lame beauty pageant-esque apology that no one believes.

Each couple is then afforded the chance to make a final plea.  Natalie says that she had a lot of fun and hopes that she made friends and that she will use the money to pay off debt and for a cancer charity.  David says that he thinks that he played fair and was honest to everyone.  He explained a few of his moves and doesn’t back down when Gwen calls him out for saying that the people on the show who are over 30 are losers.  He just clinched the win.  Tenley talks about how uncomfortable the whole situation was for her.  God forbid we make Tenley uncomfortable.  She says, “You’re all probably thinking, ‘Tenley’s perfect, why does she need $250,000?”  Game over, sister.  Everyone hates you now.  Kiptyn rambles on about donating the money to charity and giving it back to the rest of the cast in the house.  I’m sure he would have won some votes had everyone not been completely bored to death.

The 15 remaining Padistanis write down the name of the couple that they think deserves to win the $250,000 on a white board.  Chris tells us that one couple needs eight votes to win.  You know, because we can’t do math.  David and Natalie win in a landslide, but it’s not over.

David and Natalie are sent offstage to separate rooms.  Each room has two signs, one labeled “keep” and one labeled “share.”  If both David and Natalie choose “share” they get to split the money.  If one chooses “keep” and one chooses “share,” the person who chose “keep” gets all the money.  If both choose “keep,” neither gets the money and it is split between the rest of the Padistanis. 

Dave chooses “share.”  Natalie gives a speech that is supposed to make us think that she didn’t choose “share” but she chooses “share” anyway.  They both get $125,000.  Thank god it’s finally over.

My roses go to…
  • The Producers — for pairing Elizabeth and Kovacs with Edyta and pressing all of Elizabeth’s crazy buttons.
  • Elizabeth — for being as bitter as you would expect about the breakup with Kovacs, and for changing her hair color to black.  Seriously, do you feel safe in a world where she is allowed to roam free?
  • Tenley — for NOT getting voted as the dumb one and then repeatedly showing everyone the error of their ways with her all-out stupidity blitz.
  • David — for locking this thing up on day one.
  • You — for hanging with me through this whole ordeal.
On to Dancing With the Stars!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

My Brain is Taking a Hiatus

When I sat down to write this post, I had every intention of hammering out a “Pros and Cons” or “Is It Just Me” or “What To Do” post.  Obviously, that’s not happening.  Writing one of those posts would have felt like cheating.  You see, I’ve been struggling with my writing recently.  I guess you could say that I have a bit of writer’s block.  Do you capitalize writer’s block?  I don’t.  I’m trying to take away its power.  I will not grant it capital letter status.  Take that, writer’s block. 

Anyway, I don’t know what to write.  When I do write something it’s not funny or interesting.  That’s what happens, I guess.  Sometimes you fail miserably.  I’ve just been failing miserably a lot recently.  Sure, I’ve been hammering out my Bachelor Pad reviews but that doesn’t really count.  That show practically makes fun of itself.  Seriously.  Listen to Tenley speak.  I’m not going to start watching more bad reality TV just to have something to post here for you.  I’m going to rely on my brain.  We’ll see how that goes.

Until my brain decides to cooperate with me, you may have to deal with “Pros and Cons”, “Is It Just Me” and “What To Do” posts.  Or you could share your brain with me and give me some great ideas for posts.  Either way, we’ll get through this together.

Count yourself lucky that I didn’t post about my Fantasy Football draft.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

I would love to tell you that The Bachelor Pad has been cancelled so that I can watch the Boise St.-Virginia Tech football game, but my life is not as charmed as it seems to be.  The Bachelor Pad goes on and so does my pain.

The two least popular Padistanis were voted out so no one cares about what happened at the Rose Ceremony and they don’t go into the living room to fight.  Thank God.  We’re now down to four guys and seven girls.

In the morning, Chris Harrison comes in to tell everyone that three girls will be leaving The Bachelor Pad immediately.  In Ashley’s one appearance on the show she deduces “that’s almost half of us.”  She just outed herself as the smart one.  Cut to dramatic shots of the girls packing and the requisite interviews where everyone says “game changer.” 

How will they decide who goes home?

Ms. Not Appearing In This Show
The guys get to choose one woman who they think will be the best partner for them in the rest of the game.  From this point, they will compete as couples.  Each guy must walk to the girl he would like to choose and ask her for a kiss.  If she accepts, they are a couple.  The guys circle up around a table with a built in Lazy Susan with a bottle attached to it.  This is what they spend their money on?  The bottle determines the order in which the guys will pick.  Kiptyn goes first and pretends that he’s thinking about keeping Nikki because she kept him in before.  We’re not buying it.  He chooses Tenley.  Kovacs also pretends that it might not be best for him to keep Elizabeth around.  He says, “She’s got a screw loose.”  Amen.  He chooses Elizabeth anyway and she is excited about not having to stab Kovacs being a couple for the rest of the game.  Jesse B is next.  No one knows what he’s going to do because he’s dumb as rocks.  He chooses Peyton.  I guess we did know what he was going to do.  David has the last choice and pretends that he’s waffling between Ashley and Natalie.  He picks Natalie because he’s seen her naked titties.  Gwen, Ashley and Nikki go home.  Not that it matters much for Ashley because she was never on the show.

As the cars drive away, Elizabeth says, “It hurts me to see them leave.  I could someday be like Gwen.  In my forties and still looking for love.”  That is exactly why you’ll be in your forties and all alone.  Plus, you’ll probably be in jail for stabbing Kovacs to death.

For those who give a damn, the four couples are: Kovacs and Elizabeth, David and Natalie, Jesse B and Peyton, Kiptyn and Tenley.

Everyone is relieved that they can finally be open about being a couple, especially Tenley who says, “Kissing is fun.  Kiptyn is fun.”  I want to run.  I want my gun.  Do they let Tenley use the microwave?  I think she’s standing too close.

Peyton is not nearly as excited about her pairing.  It could be because Jesse B spends his downtime trying to convince her to eat a banana.  He’s 12 years old.

The Competition — Water Balloon Toss
Water balloon toss?  Really?  Are we at a county fair in Indiana?  Will there be a cakewalk later?  You know the rules for a balloon toss, unfortunately no one at The Bachelor Pad does as they each get three balloons before they are eliminated.

Everyone handles the early rounds with ease.  Peyton is the first to break a balloon, then the next balloon, then her final balloon.  Then she cries.  Tenley and Kiptyn are next to go when Kiptyn puts on his Freddy Krueger gloves for a round.  Once Kovacs and Elizabeth break all their balloons, David and Natalie only have to complete one catch.  They break one balloon and catch the next to earn the roses.

The Date — David and Natalie
The date card reads: “Spend the night together under the stars.”  Everyone assumes that it will be camping.  Tenley says, “Oh my god, what if you’re taking a rocket ship?”  She’s so dumb her parents should be brought up on charges. 

They don’t end up taking a rocket ship, but they do get to drive a Lamborghini up the California coast.  Kovacs and Elizabeth find the car first and decide to get their make out juice all over it.  

David and Natalie park the car overlooking a valley and take a bunch of pictures of each other with the car.  That’s nice, but it’s no Helicopter.  In the evening, they go some mansion that has ties to the Bachelor series for dinner and sexual intercourse.  Natalie gets David to talk about his family.  David opens up about his parents’ divorce and then divulges that he and his dad had a huge fight.  He says his dad called him a “worthless shit” (pretty right on, Dad) and he threw a chair through a wall.  What?  Was it a paper wall?  Natalie consoles him by making out with him in a hot tub.

Meanwhile back at the house…
Jesse B calls out everyone else for pretending like they are worried about getting voted out.  He knows that he and Peyton are the leading candidates to go home.  Peyton practically offers to let him finger bang her nose right there on the spot. 

Kovacs and Elizabeth decide to try to sneak into the Fantasy Suite.  They succeed.  Apparently, sneaking into the Fantasy Suite consists of opening a door.  After they have sexual intercourse, Elizabeth freaks out.  She says she feels like “the stupid girl” for sleeping with him.  We’ve been waiting for this all season.  This is where she finally kills and eats Kovacs.  Somehow Kovacs talks his way out of the Mantis treatment and we all die a little inside.

David and Natalie come back and head straight to the Fantasy Suite to see Kovacs and Elizabeth.  It’s becoming clear to me that David has a crush on Kovacs.  I feel stupid for not noticing it before. 

David and Kovacs rehash their plan to get to the end together.  Because they are in love.  Meanwhile, Natalie is working to get Kovacs and Elizabeth out.  Natalie can’t convince David to come around to her side and she fears all is lost.

Chris Harrison comes in to tell them that they will be voted off as a couple but that they will be voting as individuals.  I can practically see their little brains exploding.  Tenley and Natalie work to turn the tables on the David and Kovacs pact and try to get the votes to send Kovacs and Elizabeth home.  Jesse B tries to convince Kiptyn to do the same and suddenly Kovacs realizes that he might be in trouble.  Only two days too late.

The Rose Ceremony
This has been the only Rose Ceremony where you honestly don’t know what is going to happen.  And yet, I still don’t give a shit.

Tenley and Kiptyn are quickly declared safe.  No surprise.  Elizabeth and Kovacs are given the final roses.  Jesse B and Peyton go home.  Natalie decided to vote with David even after all of her scheming.  Whatever.  Then they all go inside and decide to have a pajama party.

My roses go to…
  • The Producers — for putting Natalie up to rallying people to vote out Kovacs and Elizabeth so that this episode wouldn’t be a complete snooze.
  • Ashley — for finally having a legitimate excuse for not appearing in the episode.
  • David’s Dad — for breaking him.
  • Chris Harrison’s Skinny Sidekick — for dressing like a clown.
  • Tenley — She is dumb.  She says dumb things.  She says them like this.  She’s a retarded Yoda.

Friday, September 03, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Happy Friday!  It’s time for the Roundup.  Unfortunately, there’s not much to round up.  I’ve been slacking this week.  I could make all sorts of excuses but excuses are for assholes.  I’m an asshole but I’m not that kind of asshole.  I’m a completely different kind of asshole.  We can talk more about that later when we have our weekly dinner next Tuesday.  On to the Roundup!

This Week in Mindsilt
As usual, I reviewed a crappy reality TV show.  This time it was The Bachelor Pad.

Tweet of the Week
From Nick Vatterott
“I did some heroine last night.  I think her name was She-Ra.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives
A bit of a sentimental post about being adopted and my true family.

Video of the Week
Dancing Dog.  Amazing