Friday, October 29, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Forget about getting work done for the next twenty minutes, you’ve got a Friday Roundup to deal with.  Get on it.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I gave you a tour of Hartford City through the signs.

Tuesday:
Another review of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:
I wrote about why I hate Halloween.

Tweet of the Week
From Chelsea Peretti:
“If I can hear your smile, you’re not drinking enough water.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive
Sometimes those little cookies know way more than you think.

Video of the Week
People are Awesome — a collection of people doing crazy stunts.



****

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Boo Humbug

Halloween is my least favorite holiday.  It's not even close.  Arbor Day?  Awesome, plant a tree.  That's good for all of us.  Halloween?  Bah.  Hate it.  I'm sure you're expecting me to go on a rant about it's just an excuse for women to dress slutty as a "sexy" whatever.  Three or four years ago I would have gladly ranted for several paragraphs but it seems pointless now.  Thanks to the new tights craze, women are dressing slutty every day.  Wearing black tights is now an excuse to wear the shortest skirt possible or wear nothing at all but the tights. 

I hate Halloween for more selfish reasons.

1) Thinking of a costume
What a pain in the ass — especially since I've been a performer.  Everyone expects me to come up with a clever costume because I'm the "clever guy."  That's a lot of pressure that I don't need.  I don't want to have to wrack my brain for weeks to come up with a costume that I'm going to wear for a few hours.

2) Buying/Putting together the costume
Why would I waste my time rummaging through my closet and going out of my way to costume shops to try to find exactly what I'm looking for?  I've got better things to do.  Besides, my costume idea is so clever that it's nearly impossible to find the things I need for it at any store so I have to make the damn thing myself.  I definitely don't have the time or energy for that.

3) Because it's a costume it's never comfortable
Rarely are you able to come up with a costume that just involves you wearing regular clothes.  There's always something extra added to the outfit (unless you're going as a radio DJ which is not as clever as you think) that makes it uncomfortable.  There's nothing more disgusting than the combination of sweat and moist breath that collects inside a mask.  If it's not uncomfortable, then there's always some piece of the costume that you are constantly worrying about.  Your wig will always be crooked, so don't even bother.

4) Everyone else
There's nothing like going out to a crowded bar and getting repeatedly stabbed and rammed into by everyone else's costumes.  God forbid you are a man who decided to dress up as Christine O'Donnell.  People will grab your tits all night — both men and women.  It's degrading.  You're a Senate candidate for Christ's sake.

As you might expect, I won't be dressing up or doing anything for Halloween this year.  Besides, there's football to watch.

****

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 6 - A Review

America was finally too creeped out to keep Florence Henderson around any longer.  I guess we just can’t handle our elderly trying to be sexy.

It’s Rock Week on Dancing With the Stars which means that host Tom Bergeron is going without a tie.  Rock.  And.  Roll.

This week they’ve decided to show us the top ten routines chosen by the Dancing With the Stars viewers.  How were these votes collected?  By mail?  The viewership of this show is too old to use computers.

Audrina Patridge
Audrina’s partner decided to have her do some mixed martial arts training so that she could dance a better Paso Doble.  I’ve seen my three year old niece hit harder than Audrina. 

It bothers me that I can now spell her name without looking it up.

Even when they sex her up I still can’t bring myself to write about her bare midriff.  Maybe it’s because she’s the most boring human alive.  You’ve got to have at least some personality to bring out the creep in this creepy old man.

My score: She’s an alien, right?

Kyle Massey
Because Kyle is busy doing, well, no one really knows, his partner has told him to dance with his brother for extra practice.  Two dudes dancing together always gets a huge laugh from the simpleminded.  Which is why we see it so often on this show.

I can’t tell the difference between the dances the judges love and the ones they hate.  Maybe it’s because I hate all of them.

My score: I think I just insulted myself.

Jennifer Grey
After last week’s shouting match Jennifer and her partner were practically singing Kumbaya in the rehearsal room.  She even made a hilarious joke about her metal neck!  Everything is wonderful!  It’s like her nose job never happened!

Except she choked on the dance floor.  Won’t she ever let herself be happy?

My score: Pretending to be happy doesn’t make it so.

Rick Fox
Being an enormous, awkward oaf has gotten him this far so I can only assume that he’ll nail it this week.  I just can’t understand why the producers let his partner get away with simply practicing this week.  Shouldn’t they be carving pumpkins to help with his dexterity or something?

My score: Can we paint him green and have him hold a can of peas?

Bristol Palin
After forgetting her steps last week while wearing a gorilla suit, she insisted upon playing the air guitar during a section of her dance.  They worked on that more than the dancing.  Why didn’t they show the discussion about dressing her like Barney the Dinosaur?

In case you are wondering, the folks at Dancing With the Stars think that pyrotechnics equals rock ‘n’ roll.  Lot of fire and explosions this week.  Too bad the band didn’t get the note.

My score: Less fire, more not giving a shit.

Kurt Warner
No one thinks rock ‘n’ roll when they think of Kurt Warner so they brought in Brett Michaels to help him discover his rock side.  Apparently, being rock involves wearing a bandana to cover your receding hairline.  Do they make a bandana that covers your awkward?

My score: Can they take back his Super Bowl MVP award?

Brandy
This week Brandy will be playing the role of Jennifer Grey.  It’s her turn to storm out into the hallway and cry.  The only difference is that her partner doesn’t give a shit so he chases her down and makes her dance anyway.  Atta boy.  No one likes it when rich people whine about dancing.

It looks like our new leader actually cares about winning this show.  Sweetie, it won’t revive your career.  Trust me.

My score: Wanting it too much does not suit you.

The Dance Marathon
They couldn’t fill enough time by showing the top ten viewer selected dances so they ended the show by doing a dance marathon.  All of the couples dance and the judges eliminate them one by one.  The winners get ten extra points, the runner up gets nine and so on.  I’m not sure why they insist on handing out these points.  They’re like the score in Super Mario Brothers, it doesn’t matter so long as you save the princess.

Brandy and her partner won the marathon but she missed the chance to grab the fire flower so she’ll never get to throw fireballs.

****

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Signs of Hartford City

Dee and I took a little trip to Hartford City, Indiana this weekend.  We were there for a funeral but we were able to visit with family and we are always entertained when we are with the family.  We were also entertained by the signs in and around Hartford City.  Since I’d rather not bore you trying to explain all the fun times with the family, I’ll share with you the signs instead.

 This isn’t technically a sign, but there is a sign just behind Dee.  However, you might recognize this Indian if you’ve ever seen Parks & Recreation on NBC.  It’s in the opening credits.  Also, the sign behind Dee is pretty nonsensical. 

 See what I mean?



I snapped a picture of this sign for obvious reasons.  It indicates the portion of State Highway 3 that is dedicated to my dad.  It extends from the north side of Hartford City to State Highway 18.  Does your dad have his own highway?



I have lots of questions about this sign.  Why is Coroner an elected office?  Why would you choose to make your sign look like a body bag?  Isn’t the tag usually on the toe of the corpse?  Why didn’t they go all the way and show a face peeking out of the zipper opening?  Why did my mom let someone put this in her yard?



Okay, this isn’t a sign.  It is something you need to see.  In case you are wondering, this is Dee as the Pope.  The Balloon Pope.  I took Dee to her favorite ice cream place in Indiana, Ivanhoe’s.  Every time we’ve been there, a balloon artist has offered to make us anything we want.  This time, Dee said, “I want a hat!”  I quickly added, “She wants a Pope hat!”  The balloon artist went the extra mile to create the staff and incense burner.  God bless him.

****

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Friday Roundup

The Friday Roundup is back and it’s declaring itself The Law in this here town.  Anyone got a problem with that?  I didn’t think so.  Fetch me some lemonade.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I wrote about how much Dee hates bad commercials.

Tuesday:
Yet another review of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:
Since I hadn’t done one in a while, I whipped out an “Is it Just Me or…

Tweet of the Week
From Sean Kelley:
“Guys, I’ve been counting my eggs, and I think we’re going to have ALOT of chickens.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive
I wrote a pantoum.  What’s a pantoum?  Read here.

Video of the Week
Baby Monkey


****

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Is It Just Me or...

…are asparagus and corn the tracking devices of the digestive system?

…does buying a nose hair trimmer feel like admitting defeat?

…do you also wonder if people are referring to facial hair or that box in the basement when they say “porn stash”?

…does it bug you when you tell women you’re married and they don’t look disappointed?

…is sexting not nearly as cool now that old people like Brett Favre are doing it?

****

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 5 - A Review

The Situation is that he is no more.  America finally put him out of his misery or maybe they put themselves out of their own misery.

It’s TV Theme week.  No one on this show understands metaphors so all of the dancers will be performing to TV show theme songs.  I can’t imagine anything worse.

They insist on doing a two hour show even though they don’t have enough dancers to fill the time.  Instead, they decide to have the judges talk about each dancer.  It still won’t make these people any more interesting but it does give me time for a nap.

Brandy
Brandy danced to the theme song from Friends.  She loves it because “it’s everything that describes a friend.”  Does she also love the dictionary?  We can only hope they end up in a fountain.

Why do they insist on pushing the band’s limits?  It’s like trying to teach a third grader calculus. 

My score: I can see you acting.

Florence Henderson
Can you guess which TV theme Florence will be dancing to?  Can you?  If you can’t you are an idiot, Mindsilt.com Reader.  Yes, it’s The Brady Bunch theme.  She even managed to get Greg Brady to come to her rehearsal and she implied that they may have hooked up when they were on the show together.  Was this a rumor?  Gross.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Florence’s partner has had more plastic surgery than any of the stars?

My score: Incest is not sexy.

Kurt Warner
Kurt was an NFL quarterback so they’ve got him dancing to the theme from Bewitched.  They couldn’t get the rights to Faith Hill’s Sunday Night Football theme?  I’m pissed that I can’t be pissed about them doing the obvious here.  Pissed.  About not being pissed.

Hot rumor: Kurt is totally dating Michael J. Fox.  Why else would they show him after Kurt’s dance?

My score: Let’s start a rumor.

Audrina Patridge
Audrina’s partner tells her to eat an onion to help reduce the awkwardness of the intimate moments.  Teenagers everywhere are going to start carrying onions around just in case.  Wait.  Teenagers don’t watch this show.  They’re too busy doing something cool like bullying each other.

Audrina danced to that song about dirty windows and blank pages.  Is that a theme song to a TV show?  If so, I hate that show.

My score: Hot girls will do anything for attention.

Kyle Massey
Kyle is assigned the theme from Charlie’s Angels.  They should have just assigned him the theme from the Ed Sullivan Show.  His partner decided to bring in two other hot dancers to help him with his technique and complete the Charlie’s Angels theme.  Everyone knows the best way to get a teenager to focus is to bring in a bunch of hot girls.

My score: It works for grown men, too.

Rick Fox
What do you think of when you see Rick Fox?  Cops.  That’s why he’s dancing to the theme from Hill Street Blues.  See how I do that?  I hate it when they’re too literal and I hate it when they’re not literal at all.  I get to have it both ways and eat it too.

Rick took his partner to meet Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson and they both did a very good job pretending that they watched the show.

My score: Phil Jackson reminds me of Andre the Giant.

Bristol Palin
It wouldn’t be a TV theme song show without the theme from The Monkees.  It wouldn’t be Dancing With the Stars if they didn’t waste the most energetic song on the least energetic contestant.  At least her partner decided to dress them up in ape costumes.  Seriously, they wore ape costumes for the first half of the dance.  For the second half of the dance, Bristol completely forgot the routine.  She should have written the steps on her hand.  Hasn’t her mom taught her anything?

What’s it called when you find pleasure in the misfortune of others?  It starts with an ‘s’ doesn’t it?  Oh yeah, schadenfreude.  This was pure, uncut schadenfreude.

My score: Your child misses you.  Go to him.

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer and her partner danced to the theme from Married With Children because she’s just as annoying as Ed Bundy’s wife only Jennifer is real.

Do you remember that girlfriend you had in high school who could conjure an argument out of thin air?  That’s Jennifer Grey.  The only difference is that she’s 50 years old and still acts like a teenager.  Now you know why she hasn’t worked since 1987. 

Has anyone squandered cancer survivor sympathy faster than Jennifer Grey?

Guess what, she nailed her dance.  America, please help us all out of this abusive cycle.  Do not vote for or encourage this woman in any way.

My score: Got your nose.

****

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dee Hates Bad Commercials

My wife is a good person but even good people hate things.  Dee holds a special place in her spleen (that’s the opposite of heart right?) for bad commercials.  For several years she declared that she hated all cell phone company commercials.  Joan Cusack was her nemesis.  Every time a cell phone commercial came on she would say, “Why can’t anyone make a good cell phone commercial?  I’m so mad about it!”  Then someone made the commercial where the guy said, “Smart, smart, so smart” and the spell was broken.  Cell phone commercials were suddenly good again.

Don’t worry, she’s found new commercials to hate in their place.  Which ones does she hate now?  Let me show you.

Southwest Airlines
Dee’s assessment: “When did Southwest become so obnoxious?  It’s like they saw the Capital One commercials and said, ‘Hey, let’s do that.”

She isn’t a big fan of this commercial but she especially hates the one with the Southwest employees traipsing around Chicago singing and talking to Chicagoans on the street that started airing this weekend during the Bears game.

  

Capital One
Dee’s assessment: “They think that they are funny and they are not.  They dress people up in weirdo costumes because they think it’s funny but it’s not.  And they are obnoxious.”



Burger King
Dee’s assessment: “Who is in charge?  Who is the person who said these commercials are appropriate for national television?”



****

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Friday Roundup

It’s the Friday Roundup, yes it’s the real Roundup all the other Friday Roundups are being imitated, so won’t the Friday Roundup just round things up, round things up, round things up.

This Week in Mindsilt
Sunday:
What?  A post on Sunday?  Yes, I made note of the fact that it was 10/10/10

Monday:
I did some sidewalk art this past weekend.

Tuesday:
My weekly review of Dancing With the Stars.  This week I tempt God’s wrath (also my wife’s).

Thursday:
I wrote about porn coming soon to a mirror near you.

Tweet of the Week
From Josh Malina:
“I love Swedish women and their boxy volvos.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive
I was given an assignment for an improv show to write about “The Forces of Evil and Me” and this is what I came up with.

Video of the Week
A fantastic performance to “Under Pressure” with two Kermit muppets.  You’re going to want tissue for this.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mirror, Mirror

I saw this article recently about the Cybertecture Mirror.  Basically, it’s a mirror that is connected to the Internet and can display all sorts of information right on its surface.  The data you choose to display is customizable and because it’s connected to the Internet I bet you can get just about any information you want right on your bathroom mirror.  Even if you can’t get everything I’m sure it won’t be long until someone figures out how to hack it and get anything you want to display.

Who will be the first to hack the mirror?  Probably someone in the porn industry.  They’re always quick to embrace new technology.  Remember the early days of the Internet?  It was all porn and bad personal homepages created by kids for a college class.  Soon enough, you’ll be waking up to fresh porn right in your bathroom mirror.  I’m sure it won’t be long (after the work stoppage, that is) until they develop porn especially for that mirror that makes it look like you’re the star.  You’d be boning the sink but who cares?  Morning wood problem solved.

****

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 4 - A Review

Do I even need to tell you that Margaret Cho was last week’s victim?  I just did.

It’s “Acoustic Week.”  Let me get this straight.  Dancing With the Stars has decided to highlight the consistently worst performer on the show?  Yes, I’m talking about the band.  Since the band is performing unplugged, I will also be writing this on my laptop unplugged.  Let’s hope my battery lasts. 

They’ve revamped the studio and changed the stage from its standard rectangle to a circular stage with the audience seated all around.  In the industry we call it “in the round.”  That’s Latin for “cheap gimmick which attempts to disguise poor performers.”  As an added twist the judges will be giving two sets of scores that no one cares about.

Kurt Warner
Kurt is dancing the Rhumba — the dance of love — on his 13th wedding anniversary.  He’s uncomfortable because he’s a “Christian guy.”  I’m not sure what religion has to do with putting on a good performance, but I’m sure someone can find an out-of-context Bible verse that addresses this. 

His partner decides to bring in both of their spouses to watch.  Once Kurt gets the okay from his wife, he’s ready to get sexy with his partner.  No one told me that wives trump God.  Good thing I don’t believe in either.

My score: Lightning bolt.

Brandy
She admits that she doesn’t feel sexy unless she is in love.  She hasn’t been in love for six years which means she must be married. 

Instead of practicing, her partner decides to take her to a restaurant for wine, chocolate and flowers.  The three keys to the Rhumba.

Brandy is like a black hole of interesting.  When she’s on screen it’s like I’m watching two boring co-workers in the break room talking about spreadsheets.

My score: =sum(A1:A22)

Rick Fox
Rick and his partner are assigned the Argentine Tango.  They are allowed to do lifts for this dance which means that Rick will be throwing his partner around like, well, a basketball.  Let’s hope she always lands within the hoop. 

He didn’t manage to throw her off the stage, but he did sport a pretty sweet mustache and a white jacket.  He’s the tallest maĆ®tre d’ ever.

My score: Table for two, please.

Kyle Massey
We are subjected to Kyle and his partner actually dancing during their lead-in clip.  Imagine that.  We now know why they don’t show the couples actually dancing.  It’s boring. 

I’m confused.  Are these two dating or not?  How old is his partner?  I’m not sure it’s even legal for them to be together.

My score: Can we give his partner a creepy mustache to complete the effect?

The Situation
This guy calls himself The Situation?  This guy?  He’s just some regular dude that wants to do the best he can.  How could he possibly be entertaining on a reality TV show?  I’ve yet to see him do anything outrageous.

At least he’s got a sense of humor about how terrible he is on the dance floor.

My score: Mostly confusion.

Florence Henderson
There she is.  There’s the racy and inappropriate Florence Henderson.  There’s nothing quite like seeing Florence Henderson grab a creepy dude’s ass.  That was just during rehearsal.

The dance made me want to take a shower.  Mostly so that I could clean off the vomit. 

My score: Two poked out eyes.

Jennifer Grey
Remember how Jennifer Grey’s character in Dirty Dancing was all whiny and dramatic when she was learning how to dance with Patrick Swayze’s character? (Note: I haven’t actually seen the movie)  That wasn’t a character.  She’s whiny and overly dramatic.  She’s playing it up for the cameras.  She knows this season is boring and she’s trying to add drama.  Too bad we all see right through it.

Can we just give her the trophy now and put Brooke Burke out of her misery?  When I say “put Brook Burke out of her misery” I mean shoot her and make glue out of her bones.

My score: Model glue.

Bristol Palin
The lead-in clip begins with Bristol’s partner talking about how sexy the Rhumba is and then goes on to say, “The Rhumba and Bristol have absolutely zero in common.”  Hey, she got pregnant so she must have been sexy at least once, right?  Right?!  Don’t answer that.  I know I’m wrong.

No matter what you think about her mom, at least she’s entertaining.  You’d think Bristol would have acquired at least a little of her mom’s performance ability.  Unfortunately she’s the most boring human alive.  Even Bristol’s kid was more entertaining and he hasn’t learned to conjugate verbs yet.

My score: Who put her up to this?

Audrina Patridge
Audrina closed her package by saying, “Five years ago I was answering phones at a photography studio, now I’m at the top of the leaderboard on Dancing With the Stars.”  Sorry sister, Kurt’s got you beat on the rags to riches story.  Bagging groceries to Super Bowl champ trumps phones and Dancing With the Stars every time.

I’m not saying she’s dumb, but if you use sarcasm around her you have to follow it up with, “That was a joke.”  Otherwise, she’ll think you’re serious about shooting Brooke Burke and making glue out of her bones.

My score: Dancing is hard.

****

Monday, October 11, 2010

For Your Information

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are undefeated when I do Irish themed sidewalk chalk artwork.


Just thought you should know.

****

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Ten, Ten, Ten, Ten, Ten

Right now it is:

10:10am 10/10/10

You'll only see this happen once more. At 10:10pm 10/10/10 which is later tonight. But that's only if you live in the U.S. and use the 12-hour clock versus the 24-hour clock.

TEN!

Friday, October 08, 2010

The Friday Roundup

This is it.  This is your Friday Roundup.  Get ready for Internetness.

Check This Out
Do you like random, interesting Internet stuff?  I know you do.  That’s why you’re here.  Check out kottke.org.  Every day he posts all sorts of interesting stuff from all around the Internet.  Go there now.  Well, not now.  Wait until you finish this post, then go there.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I wrote about my mind’s mind.

Tuesday:
It was “Story Night” on Dancing With the Stars and I couldn’t find a story anywhere.

Thursday:
I wrote about how Sun Chips has put our stupidity on display.

Tweet of the Week
From Alec Sulkin:
“Why go to church when you can just follow God on Twitter?”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archives
In honor of the upcoming warm weekend, a post about how hot it is.

Image of the Week
A map of online communities.  Click the picture for a larger version.  From xkcd.com.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Sun Chips or: Why People are Stupid

Sun Chips just announced that they’re going to discontinue their compostable bags.  You see, their compostable bags were loud.  Lots of people complained about the bags’ loudness.  In fact, people were so dissatisfied by the noise from the bags that their sales dipped 11%.  So Sun Chips decided to discontinue the new bags.

Really?!

This is why I hate people.  People are stupid.  People can’t see past the end of their own nose.  People don’t think about the impact of their actions.  A corporation finally does something to try to reduce the amount of waste we create and everyone rejects it because they couldn’t hear the idiots on Grey’s Anatomy because the chip bag is too loud.  That shows you how shortsighted and unimaginative the American people are.  You can’t put your chips in a bowl so that our children can live on a planet that isn’t covered in garbage?  Plus, they’re watching Grey’s Anatomy.  That show is terrible.

In order to sustain life on this planet we have to make sacrifices for the good of our society.  If people can’t find ways to deal with a little extra noise from their chip bag, why should we think they’re going to make the kind of sacrifice that will really make an impact?

****

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 3 - A Review

As I predicted, Michael Bolton went home last week.  My wife tells me that he made the rounds on the talk shows demanding an apology from the foreign judge.  I guess the foreign one said that Bolton did “the worst jive ever.”  Which was true.  Still, it hurt Michael’s feelings and made him cry.  I guess you don’t write all those crappy love songs without being overly sensitive.  Good riddance, crybaby.

It’s “Story Night.”  I don’t know what the hell that means.  I expect it means there will be a lot more cheese.  Oh Christ, Brooke Burke is still hosting.  Do they know it’s perfectly okay to fire someone mid-season?  In fact, it’s humane.  It’s like shooting a horse with a broken leg.  It’s best for everyone.

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer and her partner have decided to tell the story of a student who is in love with his teacher.  That classic story lifted directly from the world of porn.

The dance was as awkward as the acting portion of a porno.  Jennifer Grey’s lead has just disappeared like her original nose and yet she still scores a 24 out of 30 because the judges are desperate for someone to be good.

My score: I’ve never actually watched porn.  Promise.

Florence Henderson
Florence and Corky’s story is of two lovers who are discovering their attraction and, sweet God, no one cares.  They’re dancing to that weepy song from The Sound of Music.  Not the fun one where the kids say good night or the one with all the random syllables where they run through the hills or even the one where they list the favorite things of the most boring person in the world.  They choose the lullaby.

I liked her better when she was flipping me the bird, not trying to put me to sleep. 

My score: Brown paper packages tied up in string usually contain laundry.

Kurt Warner
Kurt has been assigned the Foxtrot and his story is of a person having a bad day.  Like me every Monday.  Apparently, a bad day in Kurt Warner’s world involves a grinning goofball carrying an umbrella.  This is what happens when you’ve suffered repeated concussions.

The judges gave Kurt a 23 and Brooke decided that it was the “highest score of the night.”  Except that it wasn’t.  Jennifer Grey scored a 24.  Can they fire her mid-show?  Please?

My score: Eleventy-five!

Margaret Cho
Her story is “party.”  You know, that old gem.  I’m not sure anyone on this show knows what a story is.
I guess the story of “party” involves wearing a dress that makes you look like a Rainbow Pop.  Also, dancing terribly.  The Internet will forever make me look like a fool for saying that she could dance in the premiere.

My score: Next time go with Dreamsicle.

Audrina Patridge
Audrina and her partner choose to act out a story of a soldier coming back from the dead to dance with his widowed wife for one last time.  That just seems cruel.  Why just this once?  What a dick.

The only way I would have liked this dance is if her partner would have come out as a zombie.  Alas, I hated this dance.  The judges loved it.  The mannequin takes the lead.

My score: When is Zombie Week?

Bristol Palin
Bristol’s partner Mark is a homeless dude and she is boring.  I don’t even know what the hell the story is supposed to be.  Then they randomly showed her giving a speech saying, “A girl who practices abstinence has no chance of getting pregnant” in perfect monotone so that you can tell she really cares. 

Brooke asked Bristol why she struggles with the performance portion of the dance even though she’s a public speaker.  The correct answer is, “Because I’m terrible at both.”  Her answer was, “Wah, wah, wah, wah, boring, boring, boring.”

My score: Is this as much as we’ve come to expect from TV?

Brandy
Brandy and her partner decide to steal the story from “The Bodyguard.”  Then they argue through the entire clip even though Brandy promises not to argue.  The judges spend the entire time talking about how badly the pro treated Brandy instead of giving notes on the dance because they already know they’re going to give her eights because she’s one of the anointed ones.

I hate everything about this show.

My score: Will someone please insult Michael Bolton again?

Kyle Massey
Kyle and his partner decide to tell the story of the random couple that falls in love in a coffee shop.  Then I fell asleep.

I’m not kidding.

My score: Naps are cool.

The Situation
It’s no surprise that neither The Situation nor the Russian girl can explain their story.  It involves time travel and skimpy outfits.  Again with the porn theme.  I’m pretty sure that The Situation’s partner chose this “story” because she had a futuristic outfit she wanted to wear.  Also, her face looks like she could be The Situation’s brother.

Wow.  The band has really outdone itself tonight.  It was like the Osmonds decided to cover the Black Eyed Peas.  Only worse than you’re thinking.

My score: The future is terrible.

Rick Fox
His story is of an athlete who just blew the game for his team, so he goes to a bar and hooks up with hottie instead of hanging around the gym to practice.  Like any good teammate.

The lady judge got all slobbery over him taking his shirt off.  Does that seem unprofessional to you?

My score: Please show proper respect for the position of dance show judge.

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Monday, October 04, 2010

My Mind's Mind

When I have something to do, I have every intention of doing exactly what it is that I set out to do.  Sometimes I don’t get it done.  I’ll get distracted by something — like my mind has a mind of its own.  Do I mind that my mind seems to have a mind of its own?  Of course I mind.  Unfortunately, my mind doesn't seem to mind.  So the only way to get my mind to mind is if I don't pay it any mind.  Mind you, my mind's mind is not easily ignored.  Once it sets its mind to something my mind doesn't mind if it hurts me — or anyone else — to get what is wants.  But you see, I've got my mind made up to give my mind's mind a piece of my mind and I don't mind if my mind's mind loses its mind because I've finally decided to mind the store around here and take my mind back from my mind's mind so that I don't lose my own mind.  In fact, I’m going to do that right now if you don’t mind.

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Friday, October 01, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Welcome to the only Mindsilt post you need for the week.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read the rest of the week so don’t get any big ideas.  You still want to read each day so that you’re up to date with what your co-workers are talking about around the water cooler.  Right?  Right.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I wrote about my pledge to remain single.

Tuesday:
I reviewed Dancing With the Stars and discovered that Chewbacca is a choreographer.

Thursday:
I wrote about how awesome I am at running a meeting.


Tweet of the Week
From Michael Ian Black:
“You know what would be great? If people stopped shooting each other at school. Save it for after class, guys.”
See it here.


From the Mindsilt Archives
A very short post taken straight from my real life


Video of the Week
This one made its rounds a few months ago but it’s still a good one.  Especially if you own a dog.





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