Thursday, October 28, 2010

Boo Humbug

Halloween is my least favorite holiday.  It's not even close.  Arbor Day?  Awesome, plant a tree.  That's good for all of us.  Halloween?  Bah.  Hate it.  I'm sure you're expecting me to go on a rant about it's just an excuse for women to dress slutty as a "sexy" whatever.  Three or four years ago I would have gladly ranted for several paragraphs but it seems pointless now.  Thanks to the new tights craze, women are dressing slutty every day.  Wearing black tights is now an excuse to wear the shortest skirt possible or wear nothing at all but the tights. 

I hate Halloween for more selfish reasons.

1) Thinking of a costume
What a pain in the ass — especially since I've been a performer.  Everyone expects me to come up with a clever costume because I'm the "clever guy."  That's a lot of pressure that I don't need.  I don't want to have to wrack my brain for weeks to come up with a costume that I'm going to wear for a few hours.

2) Buying/Putting together the costume
Why would I waste my time rummaging through my closet and going out of my way to costume shops to try to find exactly what I'm looking for?  I've got better things to do.  Besides, my costume idea is so clever that it's nearly impossible to find the things I need for it at any store so I have to make the damn thing myself.  I definitely don't have the time or energy for that.

3) Because it's a costume it's never comfortable
Rarely are you able to come up with a costume that just involves you wearing regular clothes.  There's always something extra added to the outfit (unless you're going as a radio DJ which is not as clever as you think) that makes it uncomfortable.  There's nothing more disgusting than the combination of sweat and moist breath that collects inside a mask.  If it's not uncomfortable, then there's always some piece of the costume that you are constantly worrying about.  Your wig will always be crooked, so don't even bother.

4) Everyone else
There's nothing like going out to a crowded bar and getting repeatedly stabbed and rammed into by everyone else's costumes.  God forbid you are a man who decided to dress up as Christine O'Donnell.  People will grab your tits all night — both men and women.  It's degrading.  You're a Senate candidate for Christ's sake.

As you might expect, I won't be dressing up or doing anything for Halloween this year.  Besides, there's football to watch.

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