Do I even need to tell you that Margaret Cho was last week’s victim? I just did.
It’s “Acoustic Week.” Let me get this straight. Dancing With the Stars has decided to highlight the consistently worst performer on the show? Yes, I’m talking about the band. Since the band is performing unplugged, I will also be writing this on my laptop unplugged. Let’s hope my battery lasts.
They’ve revamped the studio and changed the stage from its standard rectangle to a circular stage with the audience seated all around. In the industry we call it “in the round.” That’s Latin for “cheap gimmick which attempts to disguise poor performers.” As an added twist the judges will be giving two sets of scores that no one cares about.
Kurt is dancing the Rhumba — the dance of love — on his 13th wedding anniversary. He’s uncomfortable because he’s a “Christian guy.” I’m not sure what religion has to do with putting on a good performance, but I’m sure someone can find an out-of-context Bible verse that addresses this.
His partner decides to bring in both of their spouses to watch. Once Kurt gets the okay from his wife, he’s ready to get sexy with his partner. No one told me that wives trump God. Good thing I don’t believe in either.
My score: Lightning bolt.
She admits that she doesn’t feel sexy unless she is in love. She hasn’t been in love for six years which means she must be married.
Instead of practicing, her partner decides to take her to a restaurant for wine, chocolate and flowers. The three keys to the Rhumba.
Brandy is like a black hole of interesting. When she’s on screen it’s like I’m watching two boring co-workers in the break room talking about spreadsheets.
My score: =sum(A1:A22)
Rick and his partner are assigned the Argentine Tango. They are allowed to do lifts for this dance which means that Rick will be throwing his partner around like, well, a basketball. Let’s hope she always lands within the hoop.
He didn’t manage to throw her off the stage, but he did sport a pretty sweet mustache and a white jacket. He’s the tallest maître d’ ever.
My score: Table for two, please.
We are subjected to Kyle and his partner actually dancing during their lead-in clip. Imagine that. We now know why they don’t show the couples actually dancing. It’s boring.
I’m confused. Are these two dating or not? How old is his partner? I’m not sure it’s even legal for them to be together.
My score: Can we give his partner a creepy mustache to complete the effect?
This guy calls himself The Situation? This guy? He’s just some regular dude that wants to do the best he can. How could he possibly be entertaining on a reality TV show? I’ve yet to see him do anything outrageous.
At least he’s got a sense of humor about how terrible he is on the dance floor.
My score: Mostly confusion.
There she is. There’s the racy and inappropriate Florence Henderson. There’s nothing quite like seeing Florence Henderson grab a creepy dude’s ass. That was just during rehearsal.
The dance made me want to take a shower. Mostly so that I could clean off the vomit.
My score: Two poked out eyes.
Remember how Jennifer Grey’s character in Dirty Dancing was all whiny and dramatic when she was learning how to dance with Patrick Swayze’s character? (Note: I haven’t actually seen the movie) That wasn’t a character. She’s whiny and overly dramatic. She’s playing it up for the cameras. She knows this season is boring and she’s trying to add drama. Too bad we all see right through it.
Can we just give her the trophy now and put Brooke Burke out of her misery? When I say “put Brook Burke out of her misery” I mean shoot her and make glue out of her bones.
My score: Model glue.
The lead-in clip begins with Bristol’s partner talking about how sexy the Rhumba is and then goes on to say, “The Rhumba and Bristol have absolutely zero in common.” Hey, she got pregnant so she must have been sexy at least once, right? Right?! Don’t answer that. I know I’m wrong.
No matter what you think about her mom, at least she’s entertaining. You’d think Bristol would have acquired at least a little of her mom’s performance ability. Unfortunately she’s the most boring human alive. Even Bristol’s kid was more entertaining and he hasn’t learned to conjugate verbs yet.
My score: Who put her up to this?
Audrina closed her package by saying, “Five years ago I was answering phones at a photography studio, now I’m at the top of the leaderboard on Dancing With the Stars.” Sorry sister, Kurt’s got you beat on the rags to riches story. Bagging groceries to Super Bowl champ trumps phones and Dancing With the Stars every time.
I’m not saying she’s dumb, but if you use sarcasm around her you have to follow it up with, “That was a joke.” Otherwise, she’ll think you’re serious about shooting Brooke Burke and making glue out of her bones.
My score: Dancing is hard.