America was finally too creeped out to keep Florence Henderson around any longer. I guess we just can’t handle our elderly trying to be sexy.
It’s Rock Week on Dancing With the Stars which means that host Tom Bergeron is going without a tie. Rock. And. Roll.
This week they’ve decided to show us the top ten routines chosen by the Dancing With the Stars viewers. How were these votes collected? By mail? The viewership of this show is too old to use computers.
Audrina’s partner decided to have her do some mixed martial arts training so that she could dance a better Paso Doble. I’ve seen my three year old niece hit harder than Audrina.
It bothers me that I can now spell her name without looking it up.
Even when they sex her up I still can’t bring myself to write about her bare midriff. Maybe it’s because she’s the most boring human alive. You’ve got to have at least some personality to bring out the creep in this creepy old man.
My score: She’s an alien, right?
Because Kyle is busy doing, well, no one really knows, his partner has told him to dance with his brother for extra practice. Two dudes dancing together always gets a huge laugh from the simpleminded. Which is why we see it so often on this show.
I can’t tell the difference between the dances the judges love and the ones they hate. Maybe it’s because I hate all of them.
My score: I think I just insulted myself.
After last week’s shouting match Jennifer and her partner were practically singing Kumbaya in the rehearsal room. She even made a hilarious joke about her metal neck! Everything is wonderful! It’s like her nose job never happened!
Except she choked on the dance floor. Won’t she ever let herself be happy?
My score: Pretending to be happy doesn’t make it so.
Being an enormous, awkward oaf has gotten him this far so I can only assume that he’ll nail it this week. I just can’t understand why the producers let his partner get away with simply practicing this week. Shouldn’t they be carving pumpkins to help with his dexterity or something?
My score: Can we paint him green and have him hold a can of peas?
After forgetting her steps last week while wearing a gorilla suit, she insisted upon playing the air guitar during a section of her dance. They worked on that more than the dancing. Why didn’t they show the discussion about dressing her like Barney the Dinosaur?
In case you are wondering, the folks at Dancing With the Stars think that pyrotechnics equals rock ‘n’ roll. Lot of fire and explosions this week. Too bad the band didn’t get the note.
My score: Less fire, more not giving a shit.
No one thinks rock ‘n’ roll when they think of Kurt Warner so they brought in Brett Michaels to help him discover his rock side. Apparently, being rock involves wearing a bandana to cover your receding hairline. Do they make a bandana that covers your awkward?
My score: Can they take back his Super Bowl MVP award?
This week Brandy will be playing the role of Jennifer Grey. It’s her turn to storm out into the hallway and cry. The only difference is that her partner doesn’t give a shit so he chases her down and makes her dance anyway. Atta boy. No one likes it when rich people whine about dancing.
It looks like our new leader actually cares about winning this show. Sweetie, it won’t revive your career. Trust me.
My score: Wanting it too much does not suit you.
The Dance Marathon
They couldn’t fill enough time by showing the top ten viewer selected dances so they ended the show by doing a dance marathon. All of the couples dance and the judges eliminate them one by one. The winners get ten extra points, the runner up gets nine and so on. I’m not sure why they insist on handing out these points. They’re like the score in Super Mario Brothers, it doesn’t matter so long as you save the princess.
Brandy and her partner won the marathon but she missed the chance to grab the fire flower so she’ll never get to throw fireballs.