Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 9 - A Review

They don’t even bother to tell us that Kurt Warner went home last week.  I can only assume they are as pissed about Bristol Palin still being on the show as I am.  Please tell me there is an enormous online community that is banding together to keep her on this show as a joke.

What?  There’s no theme this week?  How am I going to know what these jokers are supposed to be dressed as?  How will Bristol ever get in character? 

Brandy
Dance One, Paso Doble:
Brandy breaks down her competitors and all she can say about Bristol Palin is, “She’s so nice.”  She subscribes to the “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” camp.  I don’t.  Bristol Palin is awful.  She’s a terrible, terrible dancer and she’s boring as hell.  When she’s on screen I want to stab my parents for giving me life and allowing me to be subjected to something like this.

Dance Two, Argentine Tango:
Oh goody.  We get to learn about the past of the stars in the second package. 

Brandy in a nutshell: Lots of bad music, fatal car accident (not her), Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Life is hard.

Jennifer Grey
Dance One, Cha-Cha:
Jennifer Grey is an attractive older lady but when she gets all flirty and sexy it is creepy as hell.  It’s something beyond cougar.  It feels like she’s breaking the law.  Especially when she’s dancing.  I need to be sandblasted after watching that. 

Dance Two, Waltz:
Jennifer in a nutshell: Father on Broadway, wanted to be an actress, Dirty Dancing, fatal car accident (not her), creepy Hollywood friends, disappearing nose, Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Baby just put me in a corner.

Bristol Palin
Dance One, Paso Doble:
Bristol’s partner suggests that she is still in the competition because America looks at her and thinks, “That’s what I would be like.”  No, rest of America, you would be way more interesting.  Then Bristol chimes in with, “No offense to anyone else, but I’m not fake.”  First, when you start a sentence with the words, “No offense to anyone else” you are about to offend someone else.  Second, if you were more fake you might be interesting.

Dance Two, Waltz:
Bristol in a nutshell: Alaska, famous mom, self-proclaimed golden child, pregnant teen in the spotlight, attempted to play it for fame, Dancing With the Stars, object of my wrath, back to oblivion.

My score: Real is boring.

Kyle Massey
Dance One, Samba:
Did you know that Kyle still wears Husky size clothes?  The judges sure do.  They couldn’t stop talking about how he bounced around the dance floor.

They’re clearly shocked a fat man can dance.  They’ve never been to a wedding in Chicago.

Dance Two, Argentine Tango:
Kyle in a nutshell: Has a brother, child TV star, knows Louis Gosset, Jr., Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Can we get him to star in Iron Eagle 5?

****

Monday, November 15, 2010

Is It Just Me or...

…does everyone else like the idea that a tackle remains intact until the moment it is broken?

…are we all getting a little tired of our cereal being delivered in “O” form?

…are we only a few years from sprinters having their pinkie fingers amputated to lighten their load?

…is no one fooled by the people pretending to have fun in those Olive Garden commercials?

…shouldn’t we sometimes also say, “grow some titties” when we’re trying to get people to be more brave?  You know, for political correctness sake?

****

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Do you ever get dizzy for no reason?  I sure do hope not, that shit’s fucked up.  Also, here’s the Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I explained to you why I’m not funny.

Tuesday:
My weekly review of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:
I wrote about that Honda commercial that just doesn’t quite feel right.

Tweet of the Week
From Sarah Silverman:
“Fashion advice for men: a t-shirt w Larry Bird on it is very flattering to the face.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive
The very first “What To Do While…” post inspired by the night my wife spent at a Bret Michaels concert.

Language
Thoughts about our underrated language.



****

Thursday, November 11, 2010

That Honda Commercial

You know that Honda commercial where the kid with the backpack is asked by three other kids if he wants to race home?  I’m sure you do.  It’s all over TV.  Have you ever noticed anything strange about that commercial?  Watch closely.  That kid is not running a fun race with his friends.  Check out the look on his face.  He’s terrified.  Notice that you never see the face or mouth of the kid that “asks” him if he wants to race.  Notice that the kid lets out a huge sigh of relief once he gets safely into the car.

We’re not watching the commercial as originally conceived and shot.

It’s clear to me that those three bigger kids are threatening the kid in the backpack and he’s running for his life.  I have no idea if the commercial ever ran as it was originally shot, but it’s certainly not running that way now.  I understand why Honda changed it.  Bullying is nasty stuff with real consequences.  For every kid that escapes into his mom’s minivan, there are five kids that get caught and beat up.  Do they think we’re stupid?  Do they think we won’t notice the terror on the kid’s face or the macho posturing of the bigger kid that clearly isn’t asking him to race?  Well, we notice.  I did.

We’re not as dumb as we look when we stare slack-jawed into the TV, Honda.  

****

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 8 - A Review

Last week was Rick Fox’s turn to go home.  I’m sure his stalker girlfriend is happy to have him back all to herself. 

This week they are doing something called the Instant Dance Round.  The dancers will rehearse for a dance without knowing what song they will be dancing to.  They’ll be choosing their song an hour before they have to perform.  Is there any doubt they’re doing this so that Bristol Palin finally goes home?

Kyle Massey
Dance One, Viennese Waltz:
Kyle’s partner spends the entire time screaming at him about how terrible he is.  If she was Bristol Palin’s partner someone would have to hide her knives.  Of course, Kyle thinks it’s hilarious when she yells at him because he only has one emotion: on camera.

Instant Dance, Jive:
After Kyle got his scores for the first dance he pulled the “Good Golly, Miss Molly” CD out of the music basket.  Then he ran off like a schoolgirl to go practice. 

They decided to bring Steve-O back to try to distract Kyle while he rehearsed.  In case you didn’t know, Steve-O is Kyle’s older brother.  You could really feel the love.

My score: Who’s the jackass now?

Jennifer Grey
Dance One, Quickstep:
Would you have guessed that there is drama with Jennifer this week?  Her knee hurts and a doctor comes in, presses on her knee a little bit and decides that she’s got a torn tendon.  Then her dad comes in and tells her that he’s proud of her and all that shit that dads say to their children but don’t really mean.  She decides to dance, anyway.  Probably because she was faking in the first place. 

Instant Dance, Rhumba:
Jennifer chooses “I’ve Been Waiting For a Girl Like You” by Foreigner.  She doesn’t know the song and she seems pissed about it.

During her rehearsal she doesn’t complain about her knee once.  She does make a creepy eighth grade dance reference while her partner is gyrating his hips.  Can we change her song to “Mrs. Robinson”?

My score: Your desperation is showing.

Kurt Warner
Dance One, Waltz:
I’m not entirely convinced that Kurt’s partner understands anything he says.  Nor am I sure that he understands anything that she says.  This only makes his transformation from Frankenstein to Not-As-Much-Frankenstein all the more impressive.

Instant Dance, Cha-Cha:
Kurt will be dancing to “Hella Good” by No Doubt.  That is not an extended typo.  I don’t even need a joke here.

Kurt’s kids came in to “help” him rehearse.  They were wearing name tags.  There’s a good chance it was for his benefit, not his partner’s.  He is an athlete after all.  Also, he stole the green shirt from that Tide commercial.

My score: Technically, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster, not Frankenstein, Jeff

Bristol Palin
Dance One, Argentine Tango:
There is no way she should still be on this show.  I’m going to use this space to convince America to finally vote her off.

Imagine if you’re mother went around the country talking to people about how you were the biggest mistake she ever made.  Imagine if she tried to convince people to not do the exact thing that brought you into this world.  What if she based her entire identity around the fact that she made a mistake by having you?  Is this something a good mother does?  This is what Bristol Palin does.

Also, she’s a terrible dancer.

Dance Two, Instant Dance:
Bristol reaches into the CD basket and pulls out “Mas Que Nada” which means “lots of suck” in Spanish.

Have you ever watched a small gay man try to teach an elephant how to dance? 

My score: It just got real, didn’t it?

Brandy
Dance One, Waltz:
Brandy and her partner have finally reached a point where she accepts his condescension like a battered wife of mutual respect .  She does realize that this will do absolutely nothing for her career, right?  There’s no need for her to take this abuse before she fades back into obscurity.

Instant Dance, Cha-Cha:
Brandy picks “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry.  Really?  When are the producers going to make her dance to one of her own songs?  She does sing, right?

During rehearsal Brandy and her partner decided to have a butt-off.  Unfortunately, this only involved them hoisting their butts up with their hands.  All of my butt-offs involve a whole lot of booty bouncing.

My score: For realz.  With a z.

****

Monday, November 08, 2010

Why I'm Not Funny

Almost everyone I know thinks I’m hilarious. Especially me. This may shock you, but I’m not hilarious all the time. In fact, there are times when I am actively not funny. I know it’s hard to believe but there are some chinks in my armor of comedy. In case you encounter me and I’m not absolutely hilarious, here are a few reasons why I may have failed.

1) I can't quote from hilarious movies. This seems to be a major “funny dude” requirement.
2) The only thing I know about pop culture involves Dancing With the Stars — or Justin Bieber, but I only know his name, not anything about him.
3) I'm delighted by death and tragedy. Most people are appalled by these things.
4) I think dick jokes are stupid.  Unless they're about something tragic happening to your dick.
5) I’m often to busy judging everyone else’s jokes to make any of my own.
6) I want you to think I'm smarter than you. This means I’ll sacrifice funny jokes at the expense of being right. Also, this is often just plain annoying. Annoying is not funny.
7) The only impression I can do is of Anderson Cooper and that’s only because we both have gray hair.
8) Most people think God is immature enough to keep a list of who makes jokes about him. I think he has a healthy sense of humor about himself. I mean, why else would he let all of his most ardent followers act like such idiots?
9) I don’t leave the house that often. You have to hang out with other people to be funny.
10) I often have one less idea than I really need to round out a joke.

****

Friday, November 05, 2010

The Friday Roundup

Its the end of the week and I have a feeling that this might just be the last Friday ever so you should probably enjoy it with a little Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Tuesday:
My weekly review of Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday:
I had some random thoughts I thought you should know about.

Tweet of the Week
From Alec Sulkin:
“Accuse someone of denying everything.  It’s a hard one to fight.”
See it here.

From the Mindsilt Archive
Here’s the thing, I thought I’d share an old Here’s the Thing.

Video of the Week
Comedian Reggie Watts uses his iPhone to create a song on the spot.



****

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Some Random Thoughts

If we successfully end bullying, what will we do with the surplus of lunch money?

I’m approaching the age where people assume you are racist if you don’t like hip hop.

Don’t sign your emails with “Warm Regards.”  It’s just creepy.  I always want to respond with “Moist Sincerity.”

I’m much closer to mid-life crisis than I am to any other major life milestone.

That guy in the Lowe’s commercial that bought the wrong paint to cover the stripes on his wall is awfully cocky for someone who bought the wrong paint to cover the stripes on his wall.

I went a whole day without knowing that the World Series was over and I follow several sportswriters on Twitter.  Weird.

You’d think dogs would figure out a more efficient way to drink water.

The lame jokes that lead into the opening credits sequence on Law & Order: SVU are a special bit of genius.

I can’t wait for my eyebrows to go gray and bushy so that I have a good excuse for talking to myself on the train.  The truth: It won’t be long.

Does anyone else feel like Xbox Kinect is a trap?


I just realized that this whole post could have kept my Twitter account rolling for a week.

****

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 7 - A Review

Last week the show said goodbye to Audrina Patridge.  Now she’s free to do Old Navy commercials.

It’s the 200th episode of Dancing With the Stars.  No, they haven’t been all this season it just feels that way. 

Okay, what the hell is going on?  They just introduced Kristi Yamaguchi as a “team captain” of Bristol Palin, Rick Fox and Kyle Massey and Apolo Ohno as “team captain” of Kurt Warner, Brandy and Jennifer Grey.  I guess they are doing some kind of team dance and then a regular dance.  I’m confused for two reasons.  First, the Colts are playing on Monday Night Football and I’m missing it for this.  Second, the opening of the show was such a mess that absolutely nothing was explained before they launched into announcing the teams.  I’m not sure why I continue to expect this show to be at least as good as terrible MTV-level reality shows.

Team Dance
Team Kristi: Rick Fox, Bristol Palin, Kyle Massey

The function of the team captain is to come into the rehearsal and say things like, “Rick Fox is tall.”  Thanks, Kristi.  Also, why are Kristi and Apolo team captains?  Are they just choosing random gold medal winners from past Olympics?  If so, why couldn’t they get Carl Lewis?  Also, why hasn’t Carl Lewis done this show yet?  Is he still alive?  He is, but you had to think about it for a second, didn’t you?

Do their scores even matter to you?

Team Apolo: Kurt Warner, Brandy, Jennifer Grey
Apolo took a different approach to coaching his team.  Instead of stating the obvious he just shouted random coaching clichés about giving more than is mathematically possible.  He may have even asked them to reach deep.  He even passed out envelopes for them to push.

Was their dance any good?  I don’t know, I was watching the Colts.

Individual Dances
For each individual dance they are bringing in a “celebrity” judge who was a “star” from a past season to judge a dance that they performed when they were on the show.  Got it?  No, because it’s stupid.

Kyle Massey
Kyle as been assigned to perform a Paso Doblé that Mel B danced in a previous season.  I was hoping they would make him dance Mel B’s part but they decided to let him dance as a man.  Well, man-boy.  I guess we know how many episodes it takes before they run out of choreography.  200.

All of the guest judges are going to give out 10’s right?  Did anyone not see this coming?

My score: The only thing worse than Dancing With the Stars is reruns of Dancing With the Stars.

Kurt Warner
Kurt is assigned to dance a Tango previously danced by Emmitt Smith.  During rehearsal, Kurt is frustrated by his partner telling him how easy it is so he takes her to practice with the Arizona Cardinals where she fails as miserably at football as he does at dancing.  Then we’re treated to Larry Fitzgerald calling the old judge “stupid.”

After the dance Kurt admits, “I’m the slow old white guy.”  Brooke takes this opportunity to make that comment way more awkward than it ever needed to be.

My score: The race card is always an ace.

Bristol Palin
Bristol has to recreate a Viennese Waltz once danced by Kelly Osbourne.  They’ve stopped trying to make her interesting during rehearsals.  This is why allowing America to choose who advances makes the producers kick their dogs when they get home.  Speaking of dogs, my little wiener dog has more personality and can dance better than Bristol Palin.

I’m no expert but her dance was completely half assed and the judges still gave her three eights.  Have they given up, too?  I hate America.

My score: Can we Old Yeller this girl?

Rick Fox
Rick is dancing a quickstep originally performed by Helio Castroneves.  Who is Helio Castroneves?  Nobody knows.

Rick’s partner decides to bring his girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, in to loosen him up a little.  I’m told she’s clingy and jealous of this whole situation.  Sounds like a great way to get him to relax.

By the way, I’m pretty sure we just saw a commercial for vagina wipes.

My score: Vagina wipes!

Brandy
Brandy gets to rerun a foxtrot performed by Gilles Marini.  Who is Gilles Marini?  Helio Castroneves.  They are the same person.

Brandy has determined that she wants it more than anyone else on the show.  When asked why she said, “Because.”  Touché.

My score: Is that the sound of producers kicking dogs?

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer will be dancing a Tango done by Drew Lachey on the second season.  I don’t understand why they are assigning men’s dances to women.  I get that we’re all about challenging gender roles now that it’s 2010, but this just doesn’t make any sense.  It’s not the same dance at all.

Guys, I don’t know if you’ve been informed, but Jennifer Grey is old and tired and sore and oh my gawd everything is so hard.  There is nothing harder than a celebrity dance show.  Don’t you feel sorry for her?  It’s so hard being famous.

My score: Thank god I’m not rich and famous, right?

****