Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Dancing With the Stars Week 7 - A Review

Last week the show said goodbye to Audrina Patridge.  Now she’s free to do Old Navy commercials.

It’s the 200th episode of Dancing With the Stars.  No, they haven’t been all this season it just feels that way. 

Okay, what the hell is going on?  They just introduced Kristi Yamaguchi as a “team captain” of Bristol Palin, Rick Fox and Kyle Massey and Apolo Ohno as “team captain” of Kurt Warner, Brandy and Jennifer Grey.  I guess they are doing some kind of team dance and then a regular dance.  I’m confused for two reasons.  First, the Colts are playing on Monday Night Football and I’m missing it for this.  Second, the opening of the show was such a mess that absolutely nothing was explained before they launched into announcing the teams.  I’m not sure why I continue to expect this show to be at least as good as terrible MTV-level reality shows.

Team Dance
Team Kristi: Rick Fox, Bristol Palin, Kyle Massey

The function of the team captain is to come into the rehearsal and say things like, “Rick Fox is tall.”  Thanks, Kristi.  Also, why are Kristi and Apolo team captains?  Are they just choosing random gold medal winners from past Olympics?  If so, why couldn’t they get Carl Lewis?  Also, why hasn’t Carl Lewis done this show yet?  Is he still alive?  He is, but you had to think about it for a second, didn’t you?

Do their scores even matter to you?

Team Apolo: Kurt Warner, Brandy, Jennifer Grey
Apolo took a different approach to coaching his team.  Instead of stating the obvious he just shouted random coaching clichés about giving more than is mathematically possible.  He may have even asked them to reach deep.  He even passed out envelopes for them to push.

Was their dance any good?  I don’t know, I was watching the Colts.

Individual Dances
For each individual dance they are bringing in a “celebrity” judge who was a “star” from a past season to judge a dance that they performed when they were on the show.  Got it?  No, because it’s stupid.

Kyle Massey
Kyle as been assigned to perform a Paso Doblé that Mel B danced in a previous season.  I was hoping they would make him dance Mel B’s part but they decided to let him dance as a man.  Well, man-boy.  I guess we know how many episodes it takes before they run out of choreography.  200.

All of the guest judges are going to give out 10’s right?  Did anyone not see this coming?

My score: The only thing worse than Dancing With the Stars is reruns of Dancing With the Stars.

Kurt Warner
Kurt is assigned to dance a Tango previously danced by Emmitt Smith.  During rehearsal, Kurt is frustrated by his partner telling him how easy it is so he takes her to practice with the Arizona Cardinals where she fails as miserably at football as he does at dancing.  Then we’re treated to Larry Fitzgerald calling the old judge “stupid.”

After the dance Kurt admits, “I’m the slow old white guy.”  Brooke takes this opportunity to make that comment way more awkward than it ever needed to be.

My score: The race card is always an ace.

Bristol Palin
Bristol has to recreate a Viennese Waltz once danced by Kelly Osbourne.  They’ve stopped trying to make her interesting during rehearsals.  This is why allowing America to choose who advances makes the producers kick their dogs when they get home.  Speaking of dogs, my little wiener dog has more personality and can dance better than Bristol Palin.

I’m no expert but her dance was completely half assed and the judges still gave her three eights.  Have they given up, too?  I hate America.

My score: Can we Old Yeller this girl?

Rick Fox
Rick is dancing a quickstep originally performed by Helio Castroneves.  Who is Helio Castroneves?  Nobody knows.

Rick’s partner decides to bring his girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, in to loosen him up a little.  I’m told she’s clingy and jealous of this whole situation.  Sounds like a great way to get him to relax.

By the way, I’m pretty sure we just saw a commercial for vagina wipes.

My score: Vagina wipes!

Brandy
Brandy gets to rerun a foxtrot performed by Gilles Marini.  Who is Gilles Marini?  Helio Castroneves.  They are the same person.

Brandy has determined that she wants it more than anyone else on the show.  When asked why she said, “Because.”  Touché.

My score: Is that the sound of producers kicking dogs?

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer will be dancing a Tango done by Drew Lachey on the second season.  I don’t understand why they are assigning men’s dances to women.  I get that we’re all about challenging gender roles now that it’s 2010, but this just doesn’t make any sense.  It’s not the same dance at all.

Guys, I don’t know if you’ve been informed, but Jennifer Grey is old and tired and sore and oh my gawd everything is so hard.  There is nothing harder than a celebrity dance show.  Don’t you feel sorry for her?  It’s so hard being famous.

My score: Thank god I’m not rich and famous, right?

****

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