Almost everyone I know thinks I’m hilarious. Especially me. This may shock you, but I’m not hilarious all the time. In fact, there are times when I am actively not funny. I know it’s hard to believe but there are some chinks in my armor of comedy. In case you encounter me and I’m not absolutely hilarious, here are a few reasons why I may have failed.
1) I can't quote from hilarious movies. This seems to be a major “funny dude” requirement.
2) The only thing I know about pop culture involves Dancing With the Stars — or Justin Bieber, but I only know his name, not anything about him.
3) I'm delighted by death and tragedy. Most people are appalled by these things.
4) I think dick jokes are stupid. Unless they're about something tragic happening to your dick.
5) I’m often to busy judging everyone else’s jokes to make any of my own.
6) I want you to think I'm smarter than you. This means I’ll sacrifice funny jokes at the expense of being right. Also, this is often just plain annoying. Annoying is not funny.
7) The only impression I can do is of Anderson Cooper and that’s only because we both have gray hair.
8) Most people think God is immature enough to keep a list of who makes jokes about him. I think he has a healthy sense of humor about himself. I mean, why else would he let all of his most ardent followers act like such idiots?
9) I don’t leave the house that often. You have to hang out with other people to be funny.
10) I often have one less idea than I really need to round out a joke.