Monday, January 17, 2011

I'm Just Not Into It... Yet

My wife is pregnant.  In May we will have a daughter.  We are excited and we are scared.  It will be awesome.  Right now, it's weird.  I see Dee every day.  I see that her little belly is growing and I know there is a child inside, but I don't feel a connection yet.  I watch Dee.  Every night she comes home and sits in front of the computer reading about her pregnancy and doing research on high chairs and baby furniture and the kind of things we're supposed to do and the kind of things we're not supposed to do.  She has three or four different baby books spread out on the coffee table.  She's taking notes.  She's learning about the baby.  It’s like she’s trying to make up for going to a college where you don’t have to study.  

What am I doing?  Reading about the new Verizon iPhone.  Why?  Because I’m not into it.  I don't feel a strong connection yet.  Dee feels the baby moving and kicking inside of her.  I don't.  I know that eventually she'll be able to kick hard enough that I'll be able to feel it through her belly but she can't do that yet.  So I just sit there trying to imagine this thing that is still imaginary to me.  I feel like I should be more into it but I'm not and I feel terrible.  I try but it all comes out wrong.  Dee concerns herself with the types of diapers we need and what we can and can't feed her.  I say things like, "I'm not selling her Girl Scout Cookies for her.  She needs to learn to work for herself,” or, “I’ve got a great idea for a science fair project!”  That's the best I can do right now.  I don't know how else to think.  I love her — or I will love her.  I just don’t know how to connect to this daughter who is still imaginary to me.  In the meantime, I just take my guidance from Dee and help her try to solve the problems that she's worried about.  Girl Scouts aren't something we'll have to deal with for a while.  I don’t even know if science will still exist in ten years.  Someday I'm sure that I'll feel more connected.  It's just not today.  Until then all I can do is try to help Dee and file away my theory on allowances until it becomes relevant.

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4 comments:

  1. Dee gets to hold her now and that's why she can connect with her. But just wait until the first time you hold her, Jeff. You will form an immediate bond that will last a lifetime.

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  2. I know, without a doubt, that you will be the best dad, Jeff! You will be the kind of dad, that your dad was! You're smart, cleaver, funny - so much to offer this little girl. Very shortly, you'll start to be able to feel the kicks. talk to the belly - get down on her level and talk. Read her the Verizon instruction book you're reading! :) I'm serious....let her hear that voice of yours.
    You know how people say fake it until you believe it. Well, do that now.
    I felt the way you're feeling, and i was carrying Laurel. How's that for feeling like crap. I felt like a bad person....it's all going to come together and be amazing!
    Blessings to you and Dee!
    Mary

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  3. You better not sell her girl scout cookies and you should write down those Science Project ideas now since you will be SO old by the time she needs them you might forget.

    All those things are important to being a parent- maybe even more important than the diapers and the highchair brand now, really its true!

    Thanks for your honesty- its real and we feel it and when that beautiful girl is born and you see her and you look at your wife and you realize you two MADE that slimy looking miracle, nothing else will matter and your heart will grow in an instant and you'll wonder how you ever lived in this world without her.

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  4. If it makes you feel any better, I struggled to connect with my daughter AFTER she was born for the first few months but Justin immediately formed a bond. It's a shocking chapter in your life. But what everyone else has said is true, the moment they come out is the most intensely emotional moment of your life, hands down.

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