My wife is pregnant. In May we will have a daughter. We are excited and we are scared. It will be awesome. Right now, it's weird. I see Dee every day. I see that her little belly is growing and I know there is a child inside, but I don't feel a connection yet. I watch Dee. Every night she comes home and sits in front of the computer reading about her pregnancy and doing research on high chairs and baby furniture and the kind of things we're supposed to do and the kind of things we're not supposed to do. She has three or four different baby books spread out on the coffee table. She's taking notes. She's learning about the baby. It’s like she’s trying to make up for going to a college where you don’t have to study.
What am I doing? Reading about the new Verizon iPhone. Why? Because I’m not into it. I don't feel a strong connection yet. Dee feels the baby moving and kicking inside of her. I don't. I know that eventually she'll be able to kick hard enough that I'll be able to feel it through her belly but she can't do that yet. So I just sit there trying to imagine this thing that is still imaginary to me. I feel like I should be more into it but I'm not and I feel terrible. I try but it all comes out wrong. Dee concerns herself with the types of diapers we need and what we can and can't feed her. I say things like, "I'm not selling her Girl Scout Cookies for her. She needs to learn to work for herself,” or, “I’ve got a great idea for a science fair project!” That's the best I can do right now. I don't know how else to think. I love her — or I will love her. I just don’t know how to connect to this daughter who is still imaginary to me. In the meantime, I just take my guidance from Dee and help her try to solve the problems that she's worried about. Girl Scouts aren't something we'll have to deal with for a while. I don’t even know if science will still exist in ten years. Someday I'm sure that I'll feel more connected. It's just not today. Until then all I can do is try to help Dee and file away my theory on allowances until it becomes relevant.