The loss of Wendy Williams is bittersweet. She’s horribly annoying and a terrible dancer but she’s also really easy to make fun of. Somehow I think I’ll survive.
This week is Classical Week. They’ve decided to add an entire classical orchestra to cover for the worst band ever. It doesn’t matter, this show is like a bad haircut. No matter how you style it, it’s still terrible.
We then see clips of the pros telling the “stars” that they can’t let the orchestra take over the performance. One of the pros calls it “the best orchestra in town.” How many orchestras are in L.A.? They’ve also added the dude from the song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” so he could play his golden “rock ’n’ roll” fiddle.
Romeo — Paso Doble
We’re shown the clip of the old judge telling Romeo he took a step back last week and Romeo responds by saying, “I love when people stomp on me. It motivates me.” To do what? What do you do? His partner spends their practice time trying to get him to be passionate and aggressive. She seems to have forgotten he has no feelings. Instead of giving up on him (which I’m urging America to do) she takes him to the gym so we can see him play basketball. Makes complete sense, right?
ABC insists upon giving us two hours of this show regardless of the number of dancers which means that each dance is even longer. Plus, they have to give us a good ten seconds of the orchestra before the couples begin to dance. The old judge gets all huffy about Romeo taking off his shirt and rambles incoherently. The old judge has full-on Alzheimer’s, right?
My score: What’s a score?
Kendra Wilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Once Kendra discovers that the song she will be dancing to is sung in Italian, she is suddenly excited about dressing like a gangster. You know, because Italians are all in the mafia. I’m not being sarcastic. That’s a fact. Even Chef Boyardee is in the mafia. Then she freaks out about doing tricks. Dancing tricks, people. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Wow. They found a way to make it even more boring. They added an opera singer to a slow, boring dance. Kendra tries to hold back her tears after the dance. I can only assume that she was bored to death, too.
My score: Stereotypes!
Sugar Ray Leonard — Viennese Walz
While talking about grace and beauty, Sugar Ray and his partner crack heads while dancing. It’s a metaphor for their entire rehearsal process. Eventually, she takes Sugar Ray to a ballet class. He wears tights. This is the kind of shit that old people think is hilarious.
What, no featured oboe player? Where’s the rock ’n’ roll oboe player when you need him? Sugar Ray managed to look surprised through the entire dance. He can’t believe he’s still on this show. I can’t figure out exactly what it is, but it’s clear to me that he’s doing it wrong. Still, he gets his highest score yet.
My score: Boxers never know when to quit.
Petra Nemcova — Paso Doble
Petra struggles to make an angry face during rehearsal. How did she ever get to be a model? Isn’t it their job to look pissed all the time? I feel like the producers are trying to convince us that these “stars” can actually do something else besides suck at dancing.
They dance to that one classical song that they use for comical chase scenes. Her partner basically throws her around the dance floor while she clods around and furrows her brow. I know it’s the gay judge’s thing that he stands up and waves his arms and says ridiculous things. It’s great. I love it, but he can’t do it every single time. It loses its effectiveness. Plus, he’s got to be tired.
My score: Who is voting for this woman?
Ralph Macchio — Waltz
Ralph spends his practice time talking about how sexy everything needs to be. It’s kinda creepy. He also worries about his “creepy spatula hands.” I don’t know what that means, either.
As soon as the band hit its first note, I felt like someone had smacked me in the face with a boring stick. Then the dancing started and the air around me turned to boring. Of course, the crowd goes wild after the dance and the judges love it. I’m starting to figure this out, you clearly get points for being boring.
My score: It’s better than Ambien.
Hines Ward — Paso Doble
Hines struggles with the fact that there are no lyrics for his music. Plus, he’s traveling around or something that is supposed to make us think he’s at a disadvantage. How much longer before his partner makes him catch passes to prepare for the lift they are going to do? I feel like the producers half assed it on this one.
They dance to something that sounds a lot like the X-Men theme song. However, Kym is wearing less than what most female super heroes wear. Its my one moment of joy in this two hour entertainment desert. After the dance, a whole section of Hines’s teammates wave Terrible Towels and basically scare the judges into good reviews. Why didn’t Chad Ochocinco think of that?
My score: Can Kym be everyone’s partner? Especially Petra Nemcova’s?
Chelsea Kane — Viennese Walz
Chelsea decides that she really wants to be pushed this week. You know what that means. Just boring shots of the couple practicing hard.
They dance to the theme from Harry Potter, I think. Her partner is clearly trying to get himself an award for choreography. He knows that he’s got a good partner so he can get away with going all So You Think You Can Dance on us. When the old judge gets upset about all of the goofy choreography, the gay judge stands up and shouts “expelliarmus” over and over. Can we just give the guy clown makeup and call it a day?
My score: Everyone knows what “expelliarmus” is, right? Especially old people?
Chris Jericho — Paso Doble
Chris’s partner wants him to be arrogant and show aggression. Instead of pulling some crazy stunt and taking him to a wrestling ring, they just show clips of him from his wrestling days. (Does he still wrestle?) Is it strange that he seems like the most normal star of the group?
If you’re going to make a wrestler dance, you’d make him do this dance. He gets to throw his partner around and scowl and look as tough as anyone possibly can in gold lamé.
My score: Gold Lamé Aggression, my new favorite band.
Kirstie Alley — Waltz
I’m disappointed. Kirstie’s partner, Maks, is known for being an asshole to his partners. He seems to genuinely like Kirstie. It’s no fun at all. During practice, Kirstie suffers a hip injury but she’s determined to fight through it which means she’s faking it.
During the dance, she slides forward on the floor and one of her shoes comes off. She struggles to put it back on and doesn’t miss a beat. This lady is constant drama. What will happen next week that will have all the old people talking? She freaks out about it during the interview with Brooke “The Bad Interview Robot” Burke.
My score: Always end the show with whining.