Chris Jericho went home last week. They tried to call it a shocker but who the hell else was going to go home? Everyone else was better than him.
They don’t have a special name for this week, they are just bringing in three “ballroom legends.” Since no one knows the names of any ballroom legends, I guess we’ll just have to take their word for it. Plus, the stars will be doing both individual and team dances this week. They’ve even dressed them up in team colors.
We are introduced to the “ballroom legend” who will be our fourth judge tonight. We see some grainy video of him in his dancing days and they tout his credentials. Instead of an introduction, it feels like they’re trying to convince us.
Team Chelsea — Cha Cha
Chelsea and Hines are designated as team captains and they get to choose teams, kickball style. Chelsea chooses Romeo and Ralph. Since Ralph hasn’t yet done the Cha Cha, Romeo and Chelsea try to give him tips while the pros work on choreography. Eventually, they simply take turns threatening each other.
Team Chelsea is dressed in all black and they are clearly playing up their youth. They dance to “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. After the dance, Karina — who will soon appear in Playboy — fixes her top like she’s worried that her boob has popped out. Like it matters. Millions of people will see her boobs soon enough. The gay judge thought they weren’t in sync. The “legend” judge said, “I’ll buy it” which means absolutely nothing. Way to take a stand, Dance Legend.
My score: Even “legends” can waffle.
Team Hines — Cha Cha
Hines chooses Kirstie and Kendra for his team. The pros spend time working on choreography while the stars practice shaking their butts. When they split of to work on their individual dances, Kirstie and her partner fall way behind the rest of the team. Guys, this could be a total disaster. Could this be the first time all six dancers crash at the same time? I think so. Why would these practice clips lead us astray?
They dance to “We Are Who We Are” by Ke$ha. It’s a terrible choice for so many reasons, the least of which is that the band has no idea how to play the song. Hines screwed up by not choosing any pro women for his team. It’s the ladies that make the dance look good. The old judge makes another boob joke. He knows that’s seriously creepy, right?
Both teams end up with identical scores. Why did we do this again?
My score: At least Osama bin Laden is dead.
While the stars change into different outfits, they bring out undefeated latin dance pros to show everyone how it’s really done. You know how your soul shares absolutely nothing in common with broccoli? Well, your soul and broccoli have more in common than the stars’ dances have with this pro dance. Why would they deliberately show us that we’re watching awful dancing?
We are also introduced to Luca Baricchi and Shirley Ballas. They are dance pros who will be helping the stars with their routines this week. Shirley Ballas also happens to be the mother of Chelsea Kane’s partner.
Chelsea Kane — Paso Doble
Chelsea’s partner explains to her that she is the cape of the bullfighter for this dance. Shirley Ballas adds her insight by getting in Chelsea’s face for the entire practice session. She even head-butts Chelsea in that loving mother kind of way. Her point is that Chelsea needs to stop smiling.
Chelsea dances like she’s still reeling from the head-butt. The old judge is confused. Not because he’s old but because he wasn’t sure what the dance was supposed to be. The gay judge loved it because it was creative. The lady judge loved the modern spin on the dance. The “legend” judge didn’t really like it and called it “Hell’s Angels.” Is Andy Kaufman writing for the judges?
My score: Popsicle, tires, meat.
Kendra Wilkinson — Tango
Kendra’s partner decides to make the choreography hard for her. She immediately loses all confidence in herself. Sure, there’s not much to lose, but now it’s completely gone. When Luca Baricchi comes in to help her with the dance, his advice is simply an excuse to feel her up. Feeling comfortable again, she has a breakthrough.
The lady judge clearly still feels guilty about the “afraid of elegance” comment and says that she is “so proud of her.” The “legend” judge thought she did a great job with tough choreography. The old judge refrains from making a boob joke. They must have warned him at the break. As if to remind us that she’s still the worst co-host on TV, Brooke cuts Kendra and her partner off in mid-sentence during the post-dance interview. At least she’s consistent.
My score: I’m also more comfortable when I’m being felt up.
Kirstie Alley — Jive
Shirley Ballas comes in to help Kirstie practice. Kirstie loves her and I’m sure we’ll see them having tea together soon. Once Shirley leaves, Maks really turns on the asshole. Eventually, Kirstie breaks down. She even carefully throws a plant across the floor to express both her anger and concern about plant life.
They do a bit where they act like they can’t dance and then she kisses him and they start to dance for real. The problem is that her partner is the only one who decides to dance for real. The lady judge puts on her disappointed mommy voice and the old judge could “find very little to commend it.” Even the gay judge was bored. The “legend” judge loves it. The scores range from six to nine and everyone looks confused.
My score: All of them!
Ralph Macchio — Quickstep
Ralph spends the entire practice package complaining about how much pain he’s in. Suck it up, old man. Pain does not exist in this Dojo.
They dress up as gangsters from the prohibition era and it immediately feels like the kind of dance Ralph can nail. The “legend” judge makes a creepy sex reference that I didn’t really follow and the gay judge manages to stay seated for his entire assessment. The lady judge gives him a ten and I’ve stopped trying to pretend that they even speak English at all.
My score: Ocho.
Hines Ward — Tango
Luca Baricchi comes in to help Hines with his character. Basically, his advice always boils down to feeling the girl up. Baricchi clearly became a dancer for the sex. They continue to practice and then former Steeler Jerome Bettis comes in to watch him practice. I’m not sure how someone who was once called “The Bus” could have any real insight on dancing but he sits and watches anyway.
Kym’s dress exposes her entire right side and seems to be held together by a single rose at the hip. I was doing my best to burn that rose off with my mind the entire dance. The old judge says the dance was “sharp and crisp like a pickle.” The gay judge calls him a “panther on the prowl.” The lady judge says “command” a lot. The “legend” judge says that Hines “dances from his heart but uses his head.” It’s like they watched an overwritten porn flick.
My score: Is behind the green door.
Romeo — Samba
Romeo is now so cocky that he wants to incorporate his own dance moves. His partner is smart enough to veto that idea. When Shirley comes in to help him learn the dance, Romeo immediately takes the chance to feel her up. It’s become the theme of the night. They spend the rest of the time “shaking it.”
Maybe Romeo shouldn’t have spent all that time copping a feel because he looks stiff. The “legend” judge commends him on his progress but says that he “may have a party in his pants, but he has an earthquake in his shoes.” Zing! The old judge just complains about the campfire prop. When the “legend” judge holds up the wrong number paddle to show his score, Brooke is forced to do math in her head and everything comes to a screeching halt.
My score: Math is hard.