My faith in our country has been restored. You did it, America! You sent Romeo home. We are free of his enormous douchery.
They have to fill two hours so the dancers will perform three dances this week. The first two dances will be standard individual dances and the third will be a winner-takes-all Cha Cha competition for 15 extra points. You know, the points that mean absolutely nothing.
Ralph Macchio — Argentine Tango
Ralph’s knee is still sore, but he’s fighting through it and struggling more with shaking his ass. His partner decides that he’s going to have to wear underwear with extra butt padding so that he can have a booty to shake. Having a butt doesn’t mean you can shake it. Someone take her to a logic class.
They dance to what feels like the theme music to some sort of cop show. He looks a little stiff but his partner sells the hell out of it and he just kinda tosses her around the stage. I think they also gave him a new hairpiece. Old judge thought it lacked emotion but that could just be because he’s old and lonely. The gay judge didn’t feel like there was enough “Latin lover.” The lady judge asked for more emotion in his feet.
Instead of a second practice clip, we’re getting background info on each of the contestants. Ralph’s clip is pretty boring. He’s just a normal dude that got famous for a little while but didn’t get sucked into all of the trappings of fame. If it’s possible, it makes him seem like an even nicer guy than we already thought he was. Doesn’t that make you hate him more?
They dress Ralph as a pimp and his partner comes out in a leopard print body suit as his prostitution whore (as they would say in his home state of New Jersey). The old judge thought it was too wild. The gay judge said that he was, “Too rough with his pussy,” and is completely confused when the audience turns on him. Aren’t foreigners great? The lady judge liked it because his feet were so emotional.
My score: Smile with your feet, Ralph.
Kirstie Alley — Viennese Waltz
Kirstie is eating meals and sleeping this week. That’s big news, everyone. They cut straight to her partner telling her to stop being negative while he screams horrible things at her. She screams like a little child and storms out of the room. I could tell she was actually mad because I could see it in her feet.
For this dance, she was painted orange and wore a prom dress from the 1970s. I was waiting for Marty McFly to show up. I think the gay judge loved it but his crazy ranting was mostly drowned out by the crowd. The lady judge liked her performance — just like every week. The old judge thought she did a wonderful job. The reviews had the feel of three straight tens, but she only got nines.
Kirstie did a lot of cocaine when she was 24. They don’t mention if she ever really stopped doing cocaine. They hint at it, but I’m still not sure. She mentions that Cheers was the best time of her life. We know that.
The gay judge calls the dance an “erupting volcano.” The lady judge called her “the queen of the Paso Doble.” The old judge told her she got the two toughest dances and that she danced them well. Still no tens.
My score: Can she have Brooke’s job?
Chelsea Kane — Argentine Tango
Chelsea’s partner, Mark, is not going to put up with her joking around this week. He even calls her “dead weight.” You immediately see every insecurity she’s ever had show up on her face in that moment. I know you’re short, Mark, but that’s no reason to make others feel small. Leave that to me.
She tries so hard to be sexy, but she just can’t pull it off. She’s too cute to be sexy. The lady judge decided to be picky and actually give notes for once. The old judge thought her legs weren’t strong but it was still clean and precise. The gay judge loved it because he loves to hear the crowd cheer. Also, he feels up the old judge.
She grew up in Scottsdale, AZ and was a theater kid her whole life. She went to L.A. to meet with a sleazy, fake manager but she stayed there and got famous anyway. Her “fame” has something to do with the Jonas Brothers. I’m not sure anyone cares.
This is another one of those dances where her partner is trying to win an Emmy for choreography which means it’s weird. The lady judge loved it. The old judge said, “Tonight you have fulfilled your potential.” The gay judge called it “romantic and erotic.” Someone get this dude laid. She gets all tens. Brooke looks into the camera and says, “If you have haven’t yet voted this season then, you’re lame.”
My score: We may be lame, but we’re good at our jobs.
Hines Ward — Argentine Tango
Before they show the practice clip, they warn us that the injury Kym suffers during rehearsal is hard to watch. While practicing a trick Hines falls on top of her when her head is tucked under her. She loses feeling in her arms. As she’s laying on the stretcher in a neck brace she talks about how she’s worried that they’re not going to have enough time to practice. Hot and tough, I like this girl.
Despite the injury, Kym dances. Her tiny little dress makes it clear there is no damage to her body — which is the real concern here. After the dance, Hines cries. Probably because a Federal judge reinstated the lockout. The old judge said, “That is a Tango.” The gay judge stood up, did a strip tease and said, “It was like good sex, you never want it to end.” The lady judge cried. They were saving their tens for this.
Hines was born in Seoul, South Korea to black father and South Korean mother. He wasn’t accepted in South Korea because of his mixed race and they had to come to America where his mother raised him on his own. His family and friends laughed when they heard he was going to do the show. His mother said, “You know nothing about dance. Maybe you go one week, you fail.” I like this lady.
They decided to dress Kym as a Lifesaver candy. I’m not complaining. It was the strangest dance I’ve ever seen. The old judge loved it because he “danced for joy.” The gay judge said, “You’re just beautiful, man.” The lady judge gushes and tells him that she gets so much joy from him dancing. He gets three tens again.
My score: There’s no crying in football.
Winner-Takes-All Cha Cha
The winner-takes-all Cha Cha is like the NCAA Tournament. The couples are seeded based on their scores and paired against each other. The judges determine who gets the meaningless 15 points.
Round 1 — Hines Ward vs. Ralph Macchio
Hines and Kym dance first and Kym still looks great. Ralph’s partner decides that she’s going to do most of the dancing. All of the judges loved Hines. The lady judge thought Ralph stepped it up but that Hines was “in it to win it.” All three judges chose Hines to move on to the next round.
Chelsea Kane vs. Kirstie Alley
Chelsea is dressed like a slutty leprechaun. Her partner danced so hard that he made Chelsea look bad. Kirstie screws up at the very beginning of her song. All three judges choose Chelsea to move on. There was no doubt.
The Final — Hines Ward vs. Chelsea Kane
They are given their music before the break and they flip a coin to decide who dances first. Hines calls tails and when it lands on heads, Brooke offers Hines the first choice. Everyone is confused for a second and then Hines informs Brooke that Chelsea should get to choose. Eventually Chelsea says that she wants to go last. This will finally get Brooke fired, right? Right?!
Both dancers do the same choreography they did in the first round. Why did they even bother to dance again? The gay judge said it’s “like picking between diamonds and pearls or lemon and cream.” Lemon and cream? What about shoes and tacos? All three judges choose Chelsea to receive the 15 points. If only it meant something.