Thursday, July 14, 2011

Lightbulb Jokes

Yesterday, a friend of mine challenged his Facebook friends to come up with new lightbulb jokes.  I came up with several but didn’t want to be that guy that hijacks the thread so I thought I’d post them here instead.  Add your own in the comments and don’t be afraid to be the guy that hijacks the thread with twenty different jokes that make me slap my head and think, “I wish I had thought of that.”

How many comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They sit around waiting for someone else to do it so they can tell a joke about it.

How many black guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. They're just like anyone else.

How many Las Vegas prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but you'll pay extra for the swing.

How many people from Jersey does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they prefer spray tan.

How many people from Sun Chips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but they will only use fluorescents and it will be much louder than the previous bulb.

How many Internet commenters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
12: One to call you an asshole. One to tell you that lightbulbs are racist. One to say, "First!" One to link to the howto.com article on changing a lightbulb. One to promote his new online business. One to call the guy that called you an asshole an asshole. One to Rickroll everyone. One to reblog it on Tumblr. One to point out that we've gotten off topic. One to flame that guy for ruining the fun. One to seriously answer the question and one guy to actually change the damn bulb well before all these comments were left.

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Another Scene With My New Family

*Based loosely on real life events*

CHARACTERS
JEFF — new father, dog owner, loving husband.
DEE — new mother, dog owner, amazing wife.
SCARLETT — 8 week-old baby, super adorable.
RUTHIE — wiener dog, eater of anything stinky.

THE SCENE
SCARLETT is in DEE’s arms on the couch.  RUTHIE is on the couch next to DEE and SCARLETT.  JEFF is in the other room putting together a new mobile for SCARLETT’s crib.

(SCARLETT farts and/or poops loudly)
RUTHIE: What was that?  It smells fantastic.
DEE: Whoa.  I felt that.
JEFF: I felt that.
DEE: How’s it going in there?
JEFF: This thing is unnecessarily complicated.
SCARLETT: Aaahhh.  That’s nice and warm.
(RUTHIE sniffs SCARLETT’s butt)
RUTHIE: Can I eat whatever is in there?
DEE: Ruthie, leave your sister alone.
JEFF: Has Fisher Price ever heard of snap locks?  Why are there so many damn screws on a kid’s toy?
DEE: Who you talkin’ to babe?
JEFF: What?  Nothing.
DEE: (whispers) Scarlett, your daddy likes to argue with toys.  And the TV.
SCARLETT: Hmmm.  This one was kinda grainy.  Starting to get itchy.
RUTHIE: (licks SCARLETT’s feet) It’s not whatever is in her pants, but it’s still pretty good.
DEE: Ruthie, stop licking your sister.
RUTHIE: Give me what’s in her pants and I’ll stop licking.  Ooh, I found some lint.  Delicious.
DEE: Stop that.
SCARLETT: Seriously, Ruthie.  That tickles.
DEE: Hey, baby!  She’s smiling and laughing again!
JEFF: Wait until we introduce her to the real world.
DEE: Still having trouble with the mobile?
JEFF: She can only see black and white.  Can’t we just hang some socks over the crib?
(SCARLETT starts to cry)
RUTHIE: ALARM!  ALARM!  The poop machine is crying!  Also, I still want to eat her diaper.
DEE: Ruthie, no more.  Jeff, your daughter needs a diaper change.
JEFF: Do you want to finish the mobile?
DEE: Okay, I’ll change the diaper. (Takes SCARLETT to the changing table.)
RUTHIE: Dang, there goes my dinner.  Guess I’ll just have to take another nap.  (RUTHIE immediately falls asleep.)
JEFF: Are you kidding me?
DEE: Are you still struggling with the mobile?
JEFF: No, I figured it out but it’s the wrong size for the crib.
DEE: It won’t attach to the crib?
JEFF: It will, but it will fall and crush our baby’s skull.
DEE: That’s not good.
JEFF: She’s going to need her skull.
SCARLETT: Mommy, that wipe is really cold on my butt.  Wrap it up.
DEE: I know, Scarlett.  Hold still.
JEFF: Now what?
DEE: You should probably take it apart so we can return it.
JEFF: You said “break it apart” right?

****

Friday, July 08, 2011

The Friday Roundup

Let’s pretend for a few seconds that there’s nothing wrong in the world.  Wasn’t that nice?  Back to reality.  Enjoy the Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I wished everyone a happy Independence Day

Tuesday:
You got a peek inside life at my home

Thursday:
I shared some things I learned in the past week. 

Tweet of the Week
From Sarah Thyre
Today I watched a giraffe pee for three, four minutes straight. Don’t ever enter into a pissing contest with a giraffe. You’ll lose.
See it here

Video of the Week
Lion tries to eat a baby.

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

Things I've Learned

Here are some things I learned after last week’s post about having a baby:

1) Dee and I have some pretty great friends.  The reaction and support we got from everyone who read that post was amazing.  We are fortunate to have such good people around us.

2) We’re going to be just fine.  I knew this before that post, but the responses just confirmed it.  

3) Everyone should have a chance to share their story.  People don’t want to weigh other people down with their troubles and they don’t want to seem like the parent that isn’t grateful to have children.  If you tell me your story, I’ll listen (or read) and feel the pain with you.  I know we all know we’re not alone, but it’s important that we confirm that we are not alone.

4) I may have given the wrong impression.  Dee and I have our struggles but our little girl is definitely not a very challenging baby.  All babies are a challenge and I think that we’ve got it pretty good.  My main point was that the delivery and recovery was pretty damn hard on Dee physically.  It was hard for me to see her like that.

5) It does get better.  In the week since I posted about our struggles, our little girl has started sleeping for much longer stretches through the night.  She’s also smiling and laughing and doing all sorts of other wonderful things — like organizing our tax receipts.

Thanks, everyone.

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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

An Actual Conversation

The following is an actual conversation that Dee and I had last night.

Dee: I’m going to bed at 8:30 PM.
Jeff: Yes, you are.
Dee: I’m going to watch fireworks on TV.  This is pathetic.
Jeff: This is our life now.
Dee: You did this to me.
Jeff: You were the one who wanted a kid.  I just did it to save our crumbling marriage.
Dee: I love you.
Jeff: I love you, too.

****

Monday, July 04, 2011

Happy Independence Day

Enjoy the extra day off, America.  Celebrate the birth of our great nation however you damn well please because you may make any choice you like.

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Friday, July 01, 2011

The Friday Roundup

The Friday Roundup is back.  I’m sure you missed it.

Thank you to everyone who offered support after yesterday’s post.  Don’t worry too much about us.  We’re actually doing pretty well and I’m sure that what we are going through is nothing extraordinary when it comes to parenting challenges.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I managed to churn out some Random Thoughts

Tuesday:
I convinced you to join Twitter.  Why haven’t you joined Twitter yet? 

Thursday:
Having a baby isn’t all rainbows and sunshine

Tweet of the Week
From Alec Sulkin
Real Housewife Vicki is huge! She’s like O.C. Umenyiora
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archives
My train’s safety posters had been cleverly vandalized

Video of the Week
Splitscreen love story.


Splitscreen: A Love Story from JW Griffiths on Vimeo.