*Based loosely on real life events*
JEFF — new father, dog owner, loving husband.
DEE — new mother, dog owner, amazing wife.
SCARLETT — 8 week-old baby, super adorable.
RUTHIE — wiener dog, eater of anything stinky.
SCARLETT is in DEE’s arms on the couch. RUTHIE is on the couch next to DEE and SCARLETT. JEFF is in the other room putting together a new mobile for SCARLETT’s crib.
(SCARLETT farts and/or poops loudly)
RUTHIE: What was that? It smells fantastic.
DEE: Whoa. I felt that.
JEFF: I felt that.
DEE: How’s it going in there?
JEFF: This thing is unnecessarily complicated.
SCARLETT: Aaahhh. That’s nice and warm.
(RUTHIE sniffs SCARLETT’s butt)
RUTHIE: Can I eat whatever is in there?
DEE: Ruthie, leave your sister alone.
JEFF: Has Fisher Price ever heard of snap locks? Why are there so many damn screws on a kid’s toy?
DEE: Who you talkin’ to babe?
JEFF: What? Nothing.
DEE: (whispers) Scarlett, your daddy likes to argue with toys. And the TV.
SCARLETT: Hmmm. This one was kinda grainy. Starting to get itchy.
RUTHIE: (licks SCARLETT’s feet) It’s not whatever is in her pants, but it’s still pretty good.
DEE: Ruthie, stop licking your sister.
RUTHIE: Give me what’s in her pants and I’ll stop licking. Ooh, I found some lint. Delicious.
DEE: Stop that.
SCARLETT: Seriously, Ruthie. That tickles.
DEE: Hey, baby! She’s smiling and laughing again!
JEFF: Wait until we introduce her to the real world.
DEE: Still having trouble with the mobile?
JEFF: She can only see black and white. Can’t we just hang some socks over the crib?
(SCARLETT starts to cry)
RUTHIE: ALARM! ALARM! The poop machine is crying! Also, I still want to eat her diaper.
DEE: Ruthie, no more. Jeff, your daughter needs a diaper change.
JEFF: Do you want to finish the mobile?
DEE: Okay, I’ll change the diaper. (Takes SCARLETT to the changing table.)
RUTHIE: Dang, there goes my dinner. Guess I’ll just have to take another nap. (RUTHIE immediately falls asleep.)
JEFF: Are you kidding me?
DEE: Are you still struggling with the mobile?
JEFF: No, I figured it out but it’s the wrong size for the crib.
DEE: It won’t attach to the crib?
JEFF: It will, but it will fall and crush our baby’s skull.
DEE: That’s not good.
JEFF: She’s going to need her skull.
SCARLETT: Mommy, that wipe is really cold on my butt. Wrap it up.
DEE: I know, Scarlett. Hold still.
JEFF: Now what?
DEE: You should probably take it apart so we can return it.
JEFF: You said “break it apart” right?