How many times are we going to have to see the clip of Kasey threatening to punch Jake “for America?” We get it, Kasey and Vienna hate Jake and they think America gives a shit.
As is Bachelor Pad tradition, they open with the aftermath of the previous show’s rose ceremony. Kasey begins bragging about how “everything is going according to plan.” Really? After one elimination your sworn enemy is still on the show. Was that the plan?
The Challenge — Target On Your Back
They literally paint targets on the back of each contestant. The men are blindfolded and lined up shoulder to shoulder. The women then come up one at a time to chuck paint filled eggs at the men. Each woman is asked a question and they answer by hitting the man who they feel is the best answer to the question. In order to score a point, she must hit the intended target and the egg must break. They then flip the whole scenario for the men.
The first question posed to the women is: Who are you least attracted to? Gia goes first and hits her target, but I couldn’t tell who it was. Most women take aim at William, though Erica hits Kasey and Jackie hits Michael. Before throwing her first egg, Vienna brags about how she will be really good at this because she played softball. She misses everyone by a mile. You can guess who she was aiming for.
The second question is: Who do you feel least deserves the $250,000? Jackie hits Graham, Melissa hits Ames and Gia hits Kasey but the egg doesn’t break so it doesn’t count. I guess that 30 pounds of rock hard muscle that Kasey added isn’t enough to break an egg. Jackie and Melissa are tied for the lead.
The third question is: Who do you want to see go home this week? We get to see everyone pelt Jake. Everyone manages to find their aim and land an egg on Jake. Jake isn’t surprised, but he’s hurt that everyone seems to have the wrong impression of him. Melissa and Jackie must enter a tiebreaker.
The tiebreaker question is: Who is the dumbest? If only there was a way to hit them all at once. Jackie fires and misses William and Melissa nails Graham to win the rose.
Now it’s the men’s turn. Their first question is: Which of these women are most likely to cheat on you if you were dating? Jake goes first and rolls his eyes at the question. Then he fires and nails Vienna. She acts surprised when she gets hit. Really? Have you zero self-awareness, Vienna? We’ll find out the answer to this question later. (Spoiler alert: Yes.) Michael hits Erica and Kasey misses Ella.
The men’s second question is: Who do you want to go home this week? Blake and Michael hit Erica. Ames misses Erica and Jake once again targets and hits Vienna.
The final and most painful question is: Who are you least attracted to? We are then treated to a montage of dudes blasting Erica with eggs. Jake misses Erica which leaves the door open for Michael to win the competition. He winds up and wings an egg at Erica nearly as hard as he can. It splatters with serious force which only adds injury to the insult. He immediately regrets throwing it so hard. We are then treated to a paint covered Erica crying to the camera. Michael wins the rose.
The girls rally to try to comfort Erica. She says, “It was painful but emotionally it was more painful.” Then she goes on a rant about how she thinks Ella is the least attractive. Sorry, sister, you just lost all sympathy with that little rant. Also, you are clearly the least attractive. It’s not even close.
Chris Harrison reveals that Michael and Melissa each get to chose three people to go on the dates. Melissa is stoked. She says, “This is what it feels like to be the Bachelorette. I like this.” Then chills run down everyone’s spine.
Michael chooses, Erica, Michelle and Holly. Erica is a pity choice, he says he wants to get to know Michelle and he says that he had fun while dating Holly, but he’s really still in love with her.
They go to the abandoned and supposedly haunted Linda Vista Hospital. They are given a map, flashlights and video cameras and they have to make their way through the hospital. While Michael and Erica attempt to contact a deceased patient from a file they find, Michelle and Holly sit in a lit room and drink wine. Michelle tells Holly that she thinks that there is still something between her and Michael. Holly doesn’t really have an answer. I have a feeling that’s what happens any time she’s asked a question.
Michael and Michelle find a circle of candles set up in the chapel. Michelle asks him about Holly. He tells her the story of their broken engagement. Michelle seems bored at best. She seems to think that her role on this show is to dispense her infinite wisdom. She tells him to go talk to Holly. Genius!
Holly and Michael head to the roof where he gives Holly the rose. Holly breaks down, “I don’t know what happened between us. I don’t know why you broke up with me.” Michael responds, “I don’t know why you broke up with me.” When she says, “Don’t you feel like we’ve always been just best friends,” he says, “No, I knew I always wanted to marry you and love you.” Dude, you’re on a roof. Just jump already.
Did I just see Virgin Mobile run an attack ad on T-Mobile? That’s like Curtis Painter and Brian Hoyer talking trash before a Colts-Patriots game. If you don’t know, look it up.
Back at the House
Ames and Jackie are constantly making out. I’m not even sure they are aware a game is being played.
Vienna spends her time at the house talking trash about Jake, as usual. For someone who is “in love” with her boyfriend, she sure does spend a lot of time talking about some other dude she used to bone. I’m impressed by the number of different ways she’s figured out how call Jake an abuser without calling him an abuser.
Jake decides that his best option to save himself is to ask Vienna for help. She says that she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey. When Gia tells Vienna that she knows that Jake cares about her and that he’s never said anything bad about her, Vienna’s response is, “Because I’ve never done anything bad to him.” Surprise, surprise, she completely misses the point. Meanwhile, you can see the tide beginning to turn against Vienna and Jake is beginning to look like a genius (relatively speaking.)
She chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Blake says that he “doesn’t want any part of that (meaning Melissa), but there’s $250,000 at stake, sooooo….” She decides before the date that she will give Kasey the rose if he promises to save her next week. Blake is planning to turn on the charm and steal that rose.
It’s your standard three-on-one yacht date where the guys take of their shirts and jump off the railing.
Kasey is getting increasingly cocky in his solo interviews. He’s sold himself on the idea that he’s the mastermind of this show. While Melissa is off with Kirk, Blake and Kasey talk strategy. Kasey assures Blake that he has his back. Blake knows that Kasey is full of shit. When Melissa shows up and asks how they are doing, Kasey says, “We’re having a yacht of fun.” Instead of kicking him off the boat right then and there, she fist bumps him and says, “That was awesome!” Can we kill them both?
Blake takes Melissa away for some alone time and immediately makes out with her. He says that he has to “whore himself out to maintain friendships that wouldn’t otherwise be there.” Kasey is shocked when she gives the rose to Blake. He can’t believe that she would do such a thing. Beware the wrath of Kasey. Kasey and Kirk are sent away on a small motorboat. Blake stays behind to make out with Melissa. He says, “When Melissa leans in to kiss me, it’s pretty easy to kiss her back because… I’ve had a few drinks.” Yay! We have a new super-villain!
After the Dates
Gia tries to convince Graham that breaking up Vienna and Kasey is the best move. He tells her he’s on board with breaking up the power couples.
Blake runs off and hides with Holly. Melissa is frantically looking for him. She tells the camera, “Blake does have feelings for me and he does like me. We have so much in common.” It really sounds like she’s trying to convince someone. Cut to Blake saying, “I’m not really attracted to Melissa. Pretending a little attraction is there is definitely a good strategy.” Melissa walks in on Blake and Holly hanging out. Holly bails. Melissa is pissed and says to Blake, “I came back here to prove that I’m a fun, nice person and that I’m awesome.” Then she breaks down crying. That’s neither fun, nice nor awesome. You have failed.
Now that Kasey is there, Jake tries again to talk to Vienna. She agrees and several contestants are there to witness. Jake asks them for their help and they attack him. Kasey tells Jake that he doesn’t deserve to be there and that he is “a bad person.” Jake responds, “Everyone here knows I’m a great guy.” He’s unreasonably calm. As Jake walks away, Kasey shouts, “No one wants you here.” The witnesses (Kirk, Ella, some others) see this bullying for what it is. Vienna gets all wet over Kasey being a dick and they start making out. During his solo interview, he makes his tattoo throb by clinching his fist and stares at the camera and says, “It’s guard and protect time. Are you ready?” There are no words.
Chris Harrison shows up. When he asks about the mood, William says, “Awkward.” He is vague about who is making it awkward, but Jake pipes up and says, “Jake and Vienna.” Jake says he’s got full closure with Vienna. Chris asks Vienna, “How is that the hatchet can’t be buried and you can’t just move on?” Vienna says, “Just because the hatchet is buried doesn’t make it right that your ex-fiance is in the house. It makes everything very awkward for everyone…” Chris cuts her off and points out that Holly and Michael were once engaged and they are doing just fine. Vienna responds, “You guys already made us do a forced breakup on TV and I don’t think it’s right that you’re making us do this again.”
You may not know this but Chris has a secret agreement with all of the contestants. It goes something like this: “I will treat you witless meatbags like intelligent life forms if you agree not to lay bare your fame-seeking stupidity for all of America to see. Do that, and I’ll smack your ass down.”
Chris snaps, “Who’s making you be here? That door’s open, that door’s open. I’ll call you a cab right now if you’re not comfortable.” This conversation is over. He then announces that they will be voting off two women this week. All the men are safe. Both men and women will be voting for the women.
Do NOT fuck with Chris Harrison.
Vienna tries to organize a coup because “this is cheating.” Kasey is more than happy to go home if Vienna wants to go home. She refuses to leave and she believes that everyone in the house is on her side (zero self-awareness confirmed). Michelle tells Jake that he should just go home because he has no chance to win. When it’s pointed out that he can win the challenges to save himself, she looks baffled. Where’s that wisdom now?
Kasey tells Gia that Graham told him her plan. Gia freaks out, yells at both Graham and Kasey and packs her bags and leaves. Gia is more than happy to play the game herself, but when someone else tries to play, she takes her ball and goes home. And we thought Vienna Melissa Michelle was the crazy one.
Somehow these geniuses decide that either Ella or Jackie have to go. Really? Not a peep about Vienna? Ames gets Kasey to agree to keep Jackie but Michael convinces Kasey to keep Ella. When Jackie and Ames ask Kasey and Vienna how they voted, they lie about voting for Ella.
The Rose Ceremony
Thanks to Kasey and Vienna’s lies, Jackie goes home. Ames walks her to the car in his red pants. She says, “I’ll miss you.” He walks back towards the house, then turns and runs to catch her car and goes home with her. Ella says, “Oh my god, they are going to make babies and I’m going to love it.”