Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Bachelor Pad Episode #3 - A Review

Everyone returns to the house on a high from the super romantic exit of Jackie and Ames.  That doesn’t last long.  Blake tries to apologize to Melissa but instead he gets a face full of crazy.  Hard to say he doesn’t deserve it.

Because they think we need a reminder, we also see Kasey talking about how important it is that Jake doesn’t win the competition.

The Challenge — Synchronized Swimming
Prior to discovering what the challenge will be, Jake says, “There are a few things that I’m really blessed with. Mental endurance, physical strength and problem solving.  If it falls into any of those three categories, I think I’ll do well.”  Where does synchronized swimming fit into that trio, Jake?  Vienna is convinced she will win because she was on the swim team in high school.  Is there anything she didn’t do in high school?  Based on her performance in the challenges, her high school teams must have been awful.  The guys will perform together and the girls will perform together.  The best synchronized swimmer will be chosen from each team by judges looking for technical ability, effort and showmanship.  

A real live coach comes in to teach each team a routine.  Jake thinks he has an advantage from his stint on Dancing With the Stars and he probably does.  Who knew that Dancing With the Stars experience could actually be useful?  The guys are taking this very seriously.  The girls are a mess.  A hot, sticky, smelly mess.  

The ladies come out in bikinis and swim caps adorned with daisies.  The guys are clad in Speedos.  I believe they are also called banana hammocks.  The judges are some lady named Karen who is a gold medal winner in synchronized swimming and Dave and Natalie from last season’s Bachelor Pad.
The ladies go first and look like they are all trying to avoid floating pockets of urine.  Vienna is confident that she’s way better than any of the other girls.  That isn’t saying much.  The girls are awful.  Erica didn’t do anything.  At one point Natalie says, “This is god awful.”

The guys nail it.  Michael and Jake knock it out of the park and we’re treated to Emily mentioning Jake’s large package.  Chris Harrison rightfully apologizes to Karen (the gold medal judge) for what they just did to her sport.

The judges choose Michael and Michelle as the winners.  Vienna says, “I feel very cheated right now.”  Don’t worry, no one else feels your pain.

Michael and Michelle will each choose three people to go on their dates.

Pre-Date Scheming
Roseless, Jake sets his sights on sending Kasey out.  It’s his only chance.  He quickly befriends Erica who is looking to grab a piece of his sizable package.  They are now focused on sending Kasey home.  After the competition, Vienna is friendly to Jake and Kasey freaks out.  He asks Vienna why she’s so “cordial nice” to him.  Yes, “cordial nice.”  This nonsense quickly devolves into an all-out argument in front of everyone.  Everyone is finally getting sick of Kasey and Vienna’s fighting.  It’s finally beginning to dawn on Kasey that Vienna might be a crazy liar.  In his solo interview Kasey says, “It’s funny, she called Jake a fame whore but she’s more of a fame whore than he is,” and, “I hope the things she told me about Jake are true.”  They retire to the laundry room for more fighting but I don’t have the tolerance to deal with these retards any more.

Michelle’s Date
Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey and Blake.  Blake knows that he needs to turn on the charm and win the rose to save himself from Melissa’s wrath.  They are taken to a vineyard for dinner.  Michelle pulls Blake aside because she wants to let him know that he’s in trouble because she doesn’t think anyone else is smart enough to be able to grasp the obvious.  Kasey is happy to just get out of the house and get away from the drama.  Michelle has a crush on Graham and she “accidentally” tells him so.  Graham tells her he’s interested but that he’s still getting over a breakup.  The best part is when the editors screw up and show him wearing the rose before they show Michelle giving it to him (the rose).

Michael’s Date
Michael chooses Holly because he’s still in love with her and Vienna and Ella because they haven’t been out of the house yet.  The date card reads, “Every rose has its thorn.”  Vienna says, “It could have something to do with every rose has something bad that goes along with it.”  Guys!  Vienna just understood her first metaphor!  Michael decides there will be no talking strategy on the date.
They go horseback riding.  Vienna complains the entire ride.  First it’s the pollution, then it’s the heat, then it’s her helmet, then it’s anything at all.  I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job portraying how awful this girl is.  She is the worst human being on the planet.  She could go toe-to-toe in a psychopath contest with Cersei Lannister (you’re welcome, Game of Thrones fans). 

Holly and Michael take some time away and it plays out almost exactly like the last date.  Michael gets all weepy and she remains indifferent.  Thankfully, there is a cliff nearby so he has that option.  Am I the only one concerned for this guy’s safety?  Why do they keep taking him to perfect suicide spots?  
Michael gives the rose to Holly.  Surprise, surprise.  Vienna and Ella have to ride the horses back down the hill.  Poor Ella.  Meanwhile, Bret Michaels pulls up in his tour bus to greet Michael and Holly.  Bret asks them about their relationship and then breaks out his guitar and plays “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”  Uh oh, Vienna may never grasp a metaphor ever again.

Back at home, Blake apologizes to Melissa and agrees to be her partner again.  

Kasey talks about how hard this has been for him with Jake and Vienna.  Yes, reality TV is hard.  We really feel for you.

Jake resumes his scheming with Erica.  In order to lock down her loyalty he makes out with her which leads her to say, “I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months.”  If you have to maintain them, you don’t have good lips.  A car that is always in the shop is not a good car.  
Today happens to be Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary.  He presents her with a small box and she blurts out, “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.”  She left out, “Because this is all an act.”  Kasey responds, “Why would you say that?”  Much to Vienna’s relief, it’s just a promise ring.  Man, this dude is dumb.  He still hasn’t figured out that Vienna doesn’t have a soul.  Instead, he sings her a song.  I can only assume that he was making the song up on the spot because no one would be happy with that as their final draft.  Not even Kasey.

While Jake talks to Melissa, Erica creeps around and spies on them.  Erica then goes to Vienna and tells her about the conversation.  Vienna decides that Melissa is done.  Should it be that easy?  Melissa then tries to convince everyone that she’s telling the truth by going absolutely crazy.  It’s what works best for her.  Erica disappoints me by not doing the evil Mr. Burns hands.  

Blake decides that his partnership with Melissa is too stable so he tells her that he wants to be her platonic partner, not a romantic partner.  This drives her right into Jake’s arms.  Why?  I have no idea.  Maybe because Jake is an evil genius.  Melissa wants to give up and go home but Jake convinces her to stay.

Chris Harrison announces that all of the ladies are safe tonight, but one man will be voted off.  Everyone will vote for the one man they want to leave.  Vienna sprints to the room to vote for Jake.  We see a montage of the stalwarts of Vienna’s alliance (Michelle, Holly, Michael) voting for Jake.  Jake and Erica swing into action.  Erica convinces Melissa to vote for Kasey and during their conversation Melissa says, “Vienna is lying about Jake.”  Really?  Is the crazy broad the first one in the house to figure this out?  

Kasey is convinced that Jake is going home.  He toasts with “his crew” and thanks them for his loyalty.  Eventually Kasey figures out that Jake is trying to take Kasey out.  William flat out tells Kasey “you’re gone.”  When Kasey finds out that Erica is one of the leaders, he says he’s not worried about her because she’s dumb.  Didn’t Sun Tzu say something about never underestimating your opponents?  Oh wait, Kasey can’t read.  Vienna takes an opportunity to charm Erica by screaming at her.  In the end, it comes down to Kirk’s vote.  Erica and Jake both agree that he’s not very smart but he’s the only chance they have.  

The Rose Ceremony
Do they spray down the rose ceremony area?  Why is it always wet?

It’s the closest vote ever on Bachelor Pad.  It’s down to Jake and Kasey.  Cut to Kasey saying that he wants to punch Jake in the mouth “for America.”  Listen Kasey, America would rather see Vienna punched in the face.  Give Chris Brown a call.  Just before the announcement they show Jake saying, “If I leave tonight I’m going to do my absolute best to take some people out with me.”  As soon as Chris announces Kasey’s name to receive a rose it cuts to black.  Did Bachelor Pad just cliffhanger us?  This guarantees that next week’s episode will start with a whimper.



  1. Wait, so mathematically doesn't Jake have to be gone? What if it is a tie? Do they both stay? Thanks for watching this drivel for me and digesting it down to the reality TV equivalent of a box score.

  2. Yes, Jake has been voted out. I assume that they want to broadcast the drama of him leaving in next week's episode.